How Remuck Spends Her Breaks

I'm at my pastor's house utilising teh internetz. Mom and PK are downstairs talking about Lord only knows what. I've gone through and checked Facebook, MySpace, PoC, MCR...y'know, most of my normal internet hangouts. Now, bored, I turn to SeeSquared to rant about something that is worthy of notice simply for it's ludicrousy. (Is that a word?)

For the last minute, I watched the minute hand on the clock move.

I wish I could say I was kidding. I have other things I could be doing without the computer - reading about acting Shakespeare, for one, or solving crossword puzzles (a spontaneous craving continuing from last night) - and yet, here I sit, marveling over the fact that every single second the minute hand twitches ever so stealthily toward its next marker. Once I was slightly over this observation, I made another one. The hour hand twitches too! It's nearly imperceptible, and yet, if you keep your eyes on it and make careful notes about its position at any given time, you can see the slow but steady phenomenon that is the hour hand moving. Incredible.

Yes, I really did just wax deep about the movement of clock hands.

Maybe I should go work on a crossword...

OMFG

HT to Brant.

One Hundred Things I've Mostly Not Done

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person (from both sides)
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (I think contributing to a devotional book counts)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury (almost, but not quite)
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

HT to Coffeepastor.

I Should Talk to Dinah.

More brooding about death...

I watched a Heath Ledger movie earlier tonight. It made me wonder how long it will be before I can simply watch and enjoy without mourning the loss of such talent. I didn't even know him - barely really knew of him - and yet, here I sit, pensive, retreating from suitemates...

Heath...I know you're there...I didn't, and now never will, know you until I move on too. What was going on that made you resort to drugs? The Joker? Your recent divorce? What? Couldn't there have been some other fix? Call me the motherly, help-me-fix-you type, but...anything? I wish I'd known you - even if you'd been an asshole, just to feel the talent roll off of you in droves, and I'll be frank. I am very much that hormonal young woman. Even just being near such looks would have been nice. I didn't know you personally - not even professionally...but you are very missed. You will be for a long time.

I'm gonna go finish printing, watch some more movies and gorge myself on pizza.

Enjoy your night, and don't get too stressed - it is finals week now, after all.

Peace.

Dedicated to the One I Love.

1. If someone says, “Is this Okay?” you say…
"I Never Told You What I Do for a Living." (MCR)

2. What would best describe your personality?
"Cornish Pixies." (John Williams, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?
"Headfirst for Halos." (MCR)

4. How do you feel today?
"Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?" (Fall Out Boy)

5.What is your life’s purpose?
"God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen." (Mannheim Steamroller)

6. What is your motto?
"My Favourite Things." (Julie Andrews, The Sound of Music)

7. What do you think of your parents?
"Written on the Wind." (Yanni)

8. What do you think about very often?
"Shameful." (Atreyu)

9. What is 2+2?
"Smile." (Lily Allen)

10. What do you think of your best friend?
"The Bird and the Worm." (The Used)

11. What do you think of the person you like?
"Belle." (Beauty and the Beast)

12. What is your life’s story?
"Love Letter." (Gackt)

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Captain Hook's Pirate Ship." (Kingdom Hearts)

14. What do you think when you see the person you like?
"Morning has Broken." (Cat Stevens)

15. What do your parents think of you?
"Bang the Doldrums." (Fall Out Boy)

16. What will you dance to at your wedding?
"Casting a Spell." (Danny Elfman, Corpse Bride)

17. What will they play at your funeral?
"A Very Small Wish." (Kingdom Hearts)

18. What is your hobby/interest?
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town." (Frank Sinatra)

19. What is your biggest secret?
"Astral Observatory." (Koji Kondo, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)

20. What do you think of your friends?
"Linus and Lucy." (Vince Guaraldi, A Charlie Brown Christmas)

21. What’s the worst thing that could happen?
"Any Other World." (Mika)

22. How will you die?
"Papercut." (Linkin Park)

23. Does anyone like you?
"Nyappy in the World." (An Cafe)

24. If you could go back in time, what would you change?
"Welcome to Wonderland." (Kingdom Hearts)

25. What hurts right now?
"The Downeaster 'Alexa'." (Billy Joel)

26. What will you post this as?
"Dedicated to the One I Love." (Mamas and the Papas)

Remember how I said I wouldn't change it again? Yeah. I lied.

Change is good. Shut up.

The only really new thing here is the second quote. It too is an MCR quote, this time from "Disenchanted" off of The Black Parade. Good song. Oh hell, I'll even post the lyrics for you, should you be curious. If you're not, tough - just grit your teeth and bear it.

Well I was there on the day
They sold the cause for the queen
And when the lights all went out
We watched our lives on the screen
I hate the ending myself
But it started with an alright scene

It was the roar of the crowd
That gave me heartache to sing
It was a lie when they smiled
And said, "You won't feel a thing"
And as we ran from the cops
We laughed so hard, it would sting

If I'm so wrong
How can you listen all night long
Now will it matter after I'm gone
Because you never learned a goddamned thing

You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to you

I spent my high school career
Spit on and shoved to agree
So I could watch all my heroes
Sell a car on TV
Bring out the old guillotine
We'll show 'em what we all mean

If I'm so wrong
How can you listen all night long
Now will it matter long after I'm gone
Because you never learned a goddamned thing

You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to ya

So go away
Just go, run away
But where did you run to?
And where did you hide?
Go find another way
Price you pay


You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to ya
Come on

You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to you

At all
At all
At all
At all

Well that will do it.

Cheers and peace
Remus

The Joys of Being Home for Break

I uncovered a couple gems this week at home.

In elementary school, my then-best friend and I decided we should spy on the boys at recess and record our findings. Well, I found them and re-read them and...wow. Most definitely written by a fourth grader. Well no, I take that back. It's pretty bad for a fourth grader. Writing seems to be the only area I've really improved and excelled in fairly consistently. Sad when you consider how bad it all still is.

I also rediscovered my journal from the South Dakota trip. Most of what it did was remind me of some things we did and said. But it also made me realise just how much one's thoughts and feelings can change in a short time.

So, dear reader, you tell me. Should I go ahead and type them up and post them? Or are they better left to your imagination (and my file cabinet)?

My Chemical Romance yet again sum me up. I knew I loved them for a reason.

I Don't Love You
My Chemical Romance

Well when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way

When after all this time that you still owe
You're still, the good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow

So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whooa

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Well come on, come on

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday"

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

Happy Thanksgiving Back

Today has so far been a day of movie quotes, stupid floats, and other family idiocy. The local Turkey Day parade was meh - a Macy's wannabe and epic failure. My mom and I have been trading movie quotes all day, even going so far as to do an entire scene from You've Got Mail this morning. We managed to bugger up my aunt's garbage disposal in the process of preparing dinner, and in this family, that is an awfully big adventure.

We started with just trying the disposal again, figuring the inner workings could straighten everything out. After all, that's what In-Sink-Erators are for, right? Apparently not. The water went everywhere and looked something like watery vomit. So we tried next door looking for a plunger. Great plan, shit execution. The rubber was no spring chicken. My other aunt happened to call, and as she doesn't live too far away the third aunt ran over to grab another better plunger. Glory be, she had one. It worked to a certain extent, but a seal was pretty unattainable. After a few more spewings things seemed to move through. Adventures.

The turkey's cooking. Casseroles are waiting to be popped into the oven. The upstairs is being "organised." We're lamenting the pitiful football performance (why we had any hope is beyond me). Not a bad day, really.

May your day of giving thanks for what you've got be as adventure- and fun-filled as this. After all, it is a holiday.

Peace.

A Thought for this Blustery Day

Adults say "no" because there're too many risks. Kids do what they do because of the risks.

What brought this to mind? Sardines. Not the nasty little fish, the game. (For those who don't know, sardines is something like reverse hide-and-seek: one or two people hide, then the rest of the group looks for them. When they find the person hiding, they join them in the spot. The last person to the spot gets to hide next.) Apparently sardines is now unfit for kids to play because guys and girls may get together in the course of a game. Yes, it may have happened. But to the majority of us, that thought didn't even occur to us as we played. We were too busy looking for who was hiding and hoping not to be last. If someone wants to leave for alone time, let 'em - on the basis that they let someone know. They're gonna leave anyway, obviously, so why make it a big deal?

Sorry...just thought I'd throw that out there. If anyone wants to argue it, comment.

Oh the Weather Outside is Frightful...

The first sticking snow of the season came last night. When I woke up, I couldn't figure out what the globs of white on the grass were until I really looked. I keep telling you - I'm a genius.

Now, as I stare out my window, watching the flakes fall and begin to stick, I look forward to the inevitable snowball fights and shenanigans that accompany Midwest winters. Eventually, those of us on the Japanese floor will try to get sensei to enjoy the snow and not worry about the cold so much.

Baby, it's cold outside. But here inside the res hall, it's pleasantly warm - especially in the kitchen. We're celebrating an early Thanksgiving. Simply because we can. We invited sensei - her first Thanksgiving. How exciting. Wonder if there'll be a prayer...

The flakes are falling harder and thicker now, but not enough yet for the powdered-sugar effect. Perhaps tomorrow morning. How beautiful would that be.

Alright, alright

I'll actually post an entry proper.

Ankle update: it's nasty swollen and feels all jammed. Don't worry, I won't mess it up more - my lovely personal nurse Charlotte's stopping me doing much of anything. I need more ice packs though. =/

I started watching Family Ties today - me like. My main qualm is the laugh track which, unfortunately, isn't a track. I just don't like being told when to laugh, y'know? It's a good show though.

Also checked out The Hard Way on YouTube - a Michael J Fox-James Woods movie about a movie star who follows a cop for research for a role. Highly entertaining, and Fox and Woods are a good combo. I'd watch it again, but I'd rather not have to search for each ensuing part.

As far as books are concerned, I've not been reading much. Mostly stuff for school. Gunslinger still hasn't been touched.

Speaking of school, it's not going too badly. Finals are a little over a month away - wow. Hard to believe I'm already almost halfway through my sophomore year of college. (Yes, I probably will say this at every semester-end.) But now I know what I want to do: history. British, to be precise. I'll probably end up taking classes on other countries/regions later, but for now, that's my focus. Eventually I'll get an education cert and teach...somewhere. Hey, at least I have a major.

Don't remember if I mentioned this on here before, but I started getting therapy a month ago for depression, and let me just say - it rocks. Lots of stuff has come up that I've never really given a lot of thought to and how it's all related. In a nutshell, it seems that every route in my mind has a wall in the way, and I think I've started the process of chipping away at them.

Wow English dubs of anime are bad.

And I'm beginning to realise that this blog seems to be an outlet for my dormant narcissism. I'll try to work on more meaningful entries, like the one about the seasons.

I need sleep.

Peace out.

How much is that genius in the corner...

Yup. Pure genius. I fell down the stairs today. I had just been thinking to myself how ridiculously narrow the stairs in the building were, when the ball of my foot didn't quite make it onto the next stair and then I was at the bottom of the flight. Still had one more to go, so once I caught my breath I hobbled down it, only to come within inches of fainting a few seconds later. I somehow managed to pull myself out of that one, and hobbled my way out to a waiting golfcart to head to Health Services, where I got droogs and a wrap. Not broken, thank the Lord, but nicely sprained and twisted. According to Yume-san, there were a couple of buggered-up ligaments on the outside of my foot. I haven't looked at it since it was wrapped, but I'm sure it's nicely swollen and bruised. Still throbs every once and a while, but I can gingerly put my weight on it so far. Stairs, surprisingly enough, aren't really an issue.

I am so awesome.

And so recommences the downward climb...

Yeah, I said "downward climb," get over it.

And now for something completely different. The lyrics to Hair's "Going Down." It was stuck in my head and seemed to fit my mood, so here it is.


Me and Lucifer
Lucifer and me
Just like the angel that fell
Banished forever to Hell
Today have I been expelled
From high school heaven

Elevator going down
Going down

This is my doom, my humiliation
October, not June
And it's summer vacation
Such a disgrace
How can i face the nation?
Why should this pain
Bring me such strange elation?

Emancipation proclamation
Oh Dr. Lincoln
My head needs shrinkin'
Lu lu lu lu lu lu Lucifer and me
Doomed from here
To e-ter-ni-ty!

Everybody going down down down
Going down

Forgive me if I don't cry
It's like the Fourth of July
Thank God that angels can fly
Going down down down

Peace out.

How now? What do you here alone?

In my appointment Tuesday, we mostly talked about Hair and acting. We decided that I need to tackle that block; maybe my next semester will be good like that.

I have to write a paper about conceptions of time for Anthropology. It's not going too badly, in fact, I'm kinda rockin' it all things considered. The only problem will be length. I can only say so much...Well, unless it's a blog entry.

B3 and I had a blast down at the library tonight. I grabbed a couple plays, an angel dictionary, and a Lakota language book. That's gonna be rather difficult to learn, but I want to, so I'm pretty willing to stick it out.

I'm still flying high. Sorry about the random/short entry; I've been trying to update all day, and now I'm doing it right before bed. I'm a tad braindead. Apologies.

I feel like there was something else I was going to say...ah well. This wasn't it, but I don't remember the last time I touched Gunslinger.

The Hair talkback was good - entertaining and insightful. I like Hair.

Well I don't remember. My eyes are half closed.

Good night.

Peace.

Weekend Update - Tina Fey Not Included

Friday ended up mostly kinda poopy, can't recall why. But when it actually ended, like at night, it was beautiful. Mike's is good stuff.

Saturday was poopy. Ish. It started kinda meh, went up a little, then started a slow yet sudden descent after being denied Mr T. But then it recovered - I went down to Herrick to see the production of Hair. The word I keep using for the show is "phenomenal." Brilliant too. If you've ever seen Hair, you know, but it's just such a powerful show. If you leave with dry eyes you're heartless. Or something. It struck a chord and I loved it. Then I came back and talked to Mike again. Just for a few minutes though, I was tired - it was bloody two thirty when I got back from the show after all.

Sunday started out mostly meh. (Mostly because my mind was still on Hair.) My roomie, Char, her roomie, B1 and I headed out to the nearest civilisation for thrifting, and on the car ride we jammed to Mulan. It was pretty sweet. They got me a shirt and a bloody pink skirt. I coulda shot 'em for that. And I'll probably be wearing one of the two pieces tomorrow. *sigh* Ah well. On the way back we jammed to Pocahontas. Yes, we are the epitome of mature.

And today's been fun. Hair talkback tonight. w00t!

Peace kids.

I really wish both bathrooms weren't in use.

I have a couple of hours to kill before class, so I flipped on the tube and came across cartoons. Yay! I prefer the original, but when it's the only version on, A Pup Named Scooby-Doo is dandy.

Life is still good. Yeah.

There's a video contest on campus this month - admissions wants more admissions and figure the students are the best way to get them. Go figure. I brought back an old-school camcorder when I came back this weekend. I figure, why not? I like playing paparazzi around the suite anyway. Even if it doesn't work out that I can enter the tape, I can still make summat cool about the craziness that goes on 'round these parts.

Still working my way through The Gunslinger. It's clearly holding my interest.

Sorry for that hiatus there, I finally got in the shower. Woohoo! I'm sure the world will thank me.

I need to head out to class now - je viens a la classe de francais. Et puis, apres ca, je mangerais! w00t! Et je venireais a japonais (yes, I know I didn't conjugate that right). Et finalement, je retournerais ici! Je sais qu'on vous rend tres heureuse.

I fail at practical applications of French.

Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride

Good Lord, you certainly can tell when I get to a low point, can't ye?

Clearly, I'm off that low point. I'm hoping to stay here for a while. Life is good from up here, after all, and who doesn't want life to be good?

That's not to say that shit has ceased to hit the fan. Oh no. That will probably never end. But at least the sprayed shit is not covering me or bogging me down quite so bad as it's done in the past.

In other news - one more midterm to get through. I can't believe we're already at midterms. I don't feel like we've been here that long. Ah well. Just one more, and I'm free...until I start working on those papers due right after fall break. *sigh*

I finally gave in to Papaer and have started reading the Dark Tower series. Barely. I'm still working through The Gunslinger (Book 1) but begun I have. I read The Eyes of the Dragon a while back, but hadn't been a big fan of it - I prefer Stephen King at his dark and creepy best. In general I'm not a fantasy person, not of the likes of Tolkien at least. I just don't get into it quite so much. If I don't give it a go, though, he'll be even more obnoxious, so what's the harm?

One last tidbit, and I'll really get back to studying. My Chemical Romance has recently swept me up again. They're always there, inside my mind, but I'm not really always like "OMG i can connect this to mcr! liek, omg!" Just once in a while, and not quite so bad as that first summer. But they're back from their mental hiatus. Just be warned about that, I'm sure it'll come up in an entry or two.

Ok. I need to reread about anthropology. Peace out.

Thinking and Feeling

What is the difference between
Thinking and
Feeling?
Feeling is what you get from
Thinking the way you do.

No wonder I feel like such shit then.

(HT to Charlotte's father for that deep quote)

It Seems I've Graduated from Realising to Observing

I went back into my archive just now (literally, just now) for shits and grins, and observed that my writing style has changed drastically. I usually write how I speak, so I guess that's changed too. Huh. Looking back, I was a tad obnoxious. That's not to say I'm not still obnoxious...but I like to think I'm less so now than I was.

Yeah, just thought I'd share.

That is all.

I'm Not Okay

I Promise.

Things I Cannot Say

There are so many things I want to tell you...but I can't. I know how you are, and because of that, there is a wall. As much as it may kill me mentally and emotionally, I'm not going to hinder you anymore. Let it be said about me that whatever else I am, I am never selfish. Egotistical and self-absorbed? Probably. A martyr in my own mind? Most definitely. But I'm not going to fuck you over like I've been known to do. I may not have realised it at the time, but you and I both know it's true. It's in my nature and we've seen it time and time again. I'm not giving in to that anymore. Even though we both know who I'm talking to, I won't say here. And chances are good you know what I'm talking about. But I won't embellish it anymore. I just wanted to explain myself, should any distance be felt. I don't even know if it is felt, so it was just a precaution. Ask if you want, but you'll not get anything. You know how stubborn I can be.

But I still need to tell you that thought from the other night. At this point, I don't even know if you'll care or be interested - I've just about lost interest myself - but if I know you well, and I think I do, you just might be curious. It relates to conversations past, from months ago...from the beginnings of this blog even. And if that doesn't pique your curiousity, nothing will.

In the meantime...maybe I'll write.

Should any of you non-existant readers have been curious...

Desert Song
My Chemical Romance

We hold in our hearts the sword and the faith
Swelled up from the rain, clouds move like a wraith
Well after all, we'll lie another day
And through it all, we'll find some other way
To carry on through cartilage and fluid
And did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

Well tonight, well tonight
Will it ever come?
Spend the rest of your days rocking out
Just for the dead
Well tonight
Will it ever come?
I can see you awake anytime, in my head

Did we all fall down?
Did we all fall down?
Did we all fall down?
Did we all fall down?
From the lights to the pavement
From the van to the floor
From backstage to the doctor
From the Earth to the morgue, morgue, morgue, morgue

Well tonight
Will it ever come?
Spend the rest of your days rocking out
Just for the dead
Well tonight
Will it ever come?
I can see you awake anytime in my head

All fall down
Well after all...

This made me laugh.

The joys of BlogThings... The results crack me up.

That is all.

I obviously *don't* own the graphic...but it was appropriate...so HT to Google for that one.

At dinner earlier, the discussion turned to the seasons and which was our favourite. I spent the entire time in thought about it rather than blabbering about it, and came up with some interesting insights. Well, I find it interesting at least.

First off, might I just say that my absolute favourite time of year is Autumn. I love that the temperature drops from the oppressive heat of Summer to pleasantly cool, breezy days. I love the bright reds and golds that spring forth from the trees and cover the ground. I love the sound of the fallen leaves crunching underfoot. I am such a bleedin' writer. I love the enticement of hot cider and caramel machiatto and apple orchards and pumpkin pie. Autumn is a beautiful time to be alive. A combination of all these things manages to keep me at peace with myself and the world, even when I am depressed or in one of my bizarre funks. The breeze plays in my hair and spreads the scent of dried leaves and the pleasant smoky-smell from chimneys. It's my favourite time to be outside and actually enjoy nature.

That being said, the conversation of the table also brought up what I enjoy of the other seasons. I think Winter has its charms, in the soft hush that newfallen snow creates. Everything looks like it's been dipped in powdered sugar on many mornings, even if the dusting is gone within a few hours - it was beautiful while it lasted. The icicles that form as the season goes somehow look elegant, even against a backdrop of telephone poles and wires. Walking through the crisp snow at night as it's falling is incredible, between the hush and the sense of contentment that while quiet is almost tangible. Winter does strange things to people, putting them in the giving mood and encouraging them to spend time with those they may not normally do. Spring is also a beautiful time of year, with its lush greens and bright colours of reborn flowers gracing the earth once more with their presence. The air is becoming more mild and enjoyable, and a fifty degree day is an occasion to break out the shorts once more. Everything is alive, and everything is visible after months under cover of snow. The trees and flowers don't merely bloom; they bud, bringing hope of things to come and the first tantalising smell that isn't manmade. It's a feeling and a smell man simply cannot recreate, no matter how many candles are sold. Summer is also a season of smells, of fires of a different variety and freshly mown grass, of grills and chlorine. It is the season of vacation, as all children and teenagers are on summer holiday and many adults take off work to go on road trips with friends and family. It is the season of celebrations and fireworks and parades. It is the season of simply getting away from the insanity of life and creating your own insanity. Even the heat of Summer requires creative measures; sprinklers are set out both to water the grass and cool the humans, rain dancers appear from seemingly nowhere at the first peal of thunder, children become bikers to rival those in the Tour de France. It changes people.

After some breakdown of why the seasons were so loved, the table topic turned to the order of the seasons. If you could change it, would you?

Short form of my answer? No.

Taking aside the biological and scientific reasons and purposes to the order being as it is, for me personally, and I'm sure others as well, the rotations of Spring to Summer to Autumn to Winter and back again are well suited to both my general temperament and my battle against depression. In its simplest form, Spring is rebirth after the death of Winter, Summer is the life of those born in Spring, Autumn is the last years of the life of Summer, Winter is the ultimate end of the joys of Autumn, Spring is rebirth...a never-ending cycle, which, regardless of how dead everything becomes, it gets better. Though life ends in death, in the seasons, nothing truly ends. Winter begins for me as pleasant, different. Colour is washed out of the landscape in favour of bright whites and blues and an entirely new world is created. The world becomes a darker place as the days draw in and nights grow in length. As a depressive, no matter how I try to deny it, darkness increases the depths of depression. After a few months of Winter, that depression can grow very deep indeed. Then, however, Spring begins to burst forth and break the cold, dark spell Winter had become. Life is rejuvenated as the plants and animals who hibernated through reawaken and stir again. Warmth begins to spread and thaw the world out, and the days embrace this and begin to grow long again. The new-found light helps pull me out of the depths, and I begin to thaw as well. The days become more active as Spring fades into Summer and there are tasks to be accomplished outside that have been neglected in the cold, dank months. All is well in the land, until the heat begins to affect moods, and peace is hard to come by once August finally rolls around. The heat and tempers flare, and the hole is slowly opened up again to swallow up those who aren't careful where or how they tread. Then Autumn begins a new approach, with days becoming shorter and as the air cools to temperatures more easily lived with, so do tempers, and peace is quickly made both with one's self and with others. As Autumn continues its march, which inevitably leads to Winter, the days grow short again, and though the light does not last as long, the atmosphere and the bright colours of the trees give the light an ability to permeate like no other season. This light fills everyone, regardless of whether they choose to admit it, allowing a sense of peace as well as a proper peace among people. The coolness of the season allows me to keep my head more readily, and is there to pull me out of Summer's void. Without fail, however, the temperature continues dropping, and Winter makes its move to hold the world in its freezing grip once more. The days continue to shorten, and even before the last vestiges of Autumn can have their say, snow begins to fall, enforcing in the minds and hearts that Winter has fully arrived, and the world has come full circle.

Amazing how much soul-searching can go into a simple, five-minute period, ne?

What your Idiot Webmistress is Trying to Say...

Hey! I'm Remus, I'm eighteen, I'm a sophomore in college. So blogging in Japanese is rather difficult...and I reckon my idea is a crock of shit. And I apologise to those of you in the studio audience who speak either language - I know I'm rotten at it, hence the practise...[and if you want to correct/help me, please do - I clearly need it]. I speak Japanese pretty rottenly, and please try not to hate me, dear Frenchmen...

Um...that's it. This makes me sick. See ya.

Yeah, I'm good...not...

Bonjour ! Je m’appelle Remus, j’ai 18 ans, et je suis une étudiante à l’université – dans ma deuxième année. Je crois que mon grande idée est très stupide et difficile…et je suis désolée, si vous êtes français et vous lire mon blog, essayez de ne pas me détester…s’il vous plait…

Euh…c’est tout. Ca me rend malade.

So who's genius idea was this??

こんいちは！私はリーマスだ。十八歳だ。アルビオン大学の二年祭だ。 日本語のブロッグはむずかしいね…　何もわかる！ あの、日本人　ごめんあさい！　私は日本語をはなしてとても上手ない！！　ごめん！

あの…じゃあね！

Another attempt.

So now I have two serious blogging experiments underway, starting today.

The first is the one that spawned the tag "Attempts at Serious Blogging" - I'm actually trying to keep this up to date by updating once or twice a week. So far, not bad. I need to update though - I don't reckon the MySpace survey counts, eh?

The second is an idea I thought up in class earlier today. It so happens that this year, I'm taking two languages - French and Japanese. Now, those of you in the studio audience that have actually talked to me know that I can barely speak English, and adding two completely different languages to the mix is getting a wee bit confusing. So - in order to practise, I'm gonna blog in three languages each week. Yup. That's right. So two entries in English, one in French, and one in Japanese. For those of you who don't speak either, one of the two entries in English will be in the same vein as the French and Japanese, and they'll both be the same entry too. So really, I'm only blogging twice, but I'm getting in some good practise. I'm geeked for it. You should be too.

Now, if you don't mind...I'm gonna get to work on me first trilingual entry.

Oi Fella

Just a survey I picked up off of MySpace and figured, why not post here? The mood needed to be alleviated, it's rather depressing now.

And so, without further ado...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

89 Facts About You

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT Ring?
Nope.

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
Almost eightteen years...with my mom.

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
Twenty bucks from my aunt (but my mom tried to tell me it was because I was hooking again. I love my mom).

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
Yup. Hasn't busted open yet though. *knocks on bedframe*

5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
Kendo last night was a workout, yo.

6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
Food and books.

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
Glazed chicken from Baldwin. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Hair and eyes.

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
Um...it's not one that I'd normally think of, but it gets me every time, so I guess it counts, eh? "Welcome to the Black Parade."

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
In an apartment. Well, when I'm home. When I'm at school I'm in the I-House.

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
Edsel.

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
T-Mobile.

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
I'm gonna go cliche and say Hot Topic. But Borders Express/Waldenbooks is always made of win too.

14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
Never.

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
Yeah, but I've not got one here...sorry.

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?
Only to excess.

17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
Ryan and Carolyn's, I think...

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
Mary. Then Alexis, then Nick...etc...

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
Like half an hour ago.

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
McDonald's.

21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
Whenever someone says "I'm ok."

22. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
Holiday Grill or Olga's.

23. CAN YOU COOK?
I can cook ramen and easy mac...

24. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:
I don't.

25. BEST KISSER:
Wouldn't know.

26. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
Almost this past weekend. But I actually can't remember the last time I did.

27. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
Easy mac, funnily enough.

28. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
Um...maybe...fuck I don't.

29. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
Pretty much everything.

30. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:
I've not

31. FAVORITE MOVIE?
Oh man...uh...right now? Um...The Dark Knight.

32. CAN YOU SING?
That's what they tell me.

33. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
MCR! w00t!

34. LAST KISS?
...never.

35. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
Um...The Prestige. One of three movies to kick my ass.

36. ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
My bag. No it's not a purse.

37. FAVORITE vacation spot
Either Chicago or South Dakota, or anywhere out in the middle of nowhere really.

38. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
Laptop.

39. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?:
Probably Dane Cook. But Jen Kober's pretty great too.

40. DO YOU SMOKE?
Second hand.

41. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
With, you creeper.

42. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:
Me...?

43. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:
They can.

44. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
Personally, never.

45. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
Do y'like waffles? Yeah we like waffles! Do y'like pancakes? Yeah we like pancakes! Do y'like French toast? Yeah we like French toast! Doot do do doot can't wait to get a mouthful!

46. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
It's only the nectar of the gods.

47. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Over hard. 'Cause then the yoke ain't broke. Nor is it breakable...

48. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
Eh.

49. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
Probably Kristen.

50. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
Campus Safety.

51. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:
I couldn't tell you the last time I text someone.

52. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
Like a jillion.

53. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?
Jeans and a Blue Lake polo. Yeah, I'm snazzy.

54. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
If it looks like I'm laughing, I'm really just asking to leave.

55. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:
That sort of thing's not my bag, baby, but if I have to choose, grape.

56. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
I fail at it, but it's fun.

57. CAN YOU SWIM?
Ish. Compared to Michael Phelps? No.

58. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:
Vanilla.

59. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?:
I don't use them, too confusing.

60. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
I'm addicted to iced tea. Or rather, the caffeine therein.

61. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?
Maybe? I honestly couldn't tell you, my memory is that shitty.

62. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Autumn.

63. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
Earlier on AIM.

64. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
Like quarter to eight.

65. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:
Snowball fights. And walking to 7-Eleven at midnight in the freezing cold.

66. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:
Never.

67. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?
Shamus.

68. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?:
They can be overrated, but Cap'n Jack Sparrow is the shit.

69. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??
Hopefully nothing.

70. BIRTHDATE:
November 30.

71. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:
A history teacher. Only I'd be cool.

Ish.

72. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
Deja vu...

73. ARE YOU SMILING?:
Not at the moment.

74. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
Kinda, yeah.

75. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
Hokkaido or southern France. Or London. Yeah.

76. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:
Nope, I'm done with that crock of shit.

77. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:
Dude when don't I?

78. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
That's classified, ma'am.

79. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:
Black.

80. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
Yup.

81. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:
Nope.

82. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:
Nope.

83. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?
Half o'one.

84. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:
No, I'm in the level just above the basement.

85. ARE YOU IN LOVE?:
No.

86. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?
Just once in like first grade. But it was no biggie.

87. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
Kinda, but I'm clearly good without.

88. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?
Three earrings, eight rings, and eight bracelets. But don't get the wrong idea, I hate jewelry.

...

89. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?
Close the window, it's friggin freezing in here, Mr Bigglesworth.

Ours Not to Reason Why

This is why I wanted to find him sooner. I'd chalked it up to my imagination - hearing all those stories of people who drift from their fathers at a young age, only to reconcile years later (usually at about sixteen or so) and lose him within a few more years - these are not good things for an imagination like mine to hear. My imagination runs rampant with things like this. This time, though, I was afraid it would happen to me.

In my junior year of high school, I began taking steps to find Dad. I figured maybe he'd like to see me graduate. I gleaned what I could of where he was last known to be and what information could be gotten off my birth certificate and what Mom remembered. They all kept pointing to the same place, but nothing definite could be gotten - no contact info.

The search continued through senior year, though not as earnest - I searched the internet when it tickled my fancy, often getting the same results. Graduation came and went. No luck.

Freshman year of college, I'd just about put up the cause to lost. I had a new environment to take in, new people to meet from all over, several classes to keep up with. He got pushed to the back of my mind, and because it seemed pointless to even try anymore, I didn't. That summer, however...

That summer, I searched his surname only. Instead of the usual city, though, I found one several hours away. It so happened that I knew someone in this city, and I contacted them, asking them to search the name in the phonebook. The guy was good enough to not act too creeped out, and gave me the information. After some hemming and hawing (and some pushing from a friend) I contacted him again, this time asking for the area code. I called the number that seemed most promising, got voicemail, and left a message something to the effect of

Um, hi, uh, this is going to be a slightly awkward message,
but...uh...there is a good possibility that you might be
my half-sister.
Yeah.
Um...If that's possible, here's my number, let me know if
I'm right, and if not, feel free to call back and tell me not
to leave odd messages like this randomly.
Uh...yeah.
Thanks.

That night, I recieved a phone call from her. I was right. She was my half-sister. We talked until I ran out of time on my phone, and the next night, we chatted it up for over an hour. Eventually the talk turned to why I got in contact with them, and I told her about my attempts to find Dad. She said she'd do what she could to have him call me, and that she appreciated my calling her and actually leaving a message.

As the summer went on, we stayed in contact, and our devious plans began unfolding - she was coming for a conference in the area and figured we could get Dad roped into a lunch somewhere. It was a great plan I thought. No way for his fiancee to know (that's a whole other deal) that I was involved. I got up on the day, started trying to figure out something decentish to wear instead of my usual t-shirt, and in the middle of all this, the phone rang.

Hey, Brie? Lunch won't be happening today...

Oh, it won't? Why?

Well...Dad was taken to
ER
this morning with symptoms of what looks
like a stroke.
They're still doing
tests on him, but so far they can't figure out
what's wrong.
He's asleep right now, and
everyone's here, all the aunts and uncles...
Brie? Are you ok?

I think so...

Yeah, me too. I'll keep you up to date
as I know, ok?

Ok...

Take care and God bless.

Yeah...you too...

Luckily she, Mom, and I got together that weekend still for lunch, and I finally got to meet her and hear the latest on Dad. Maybe an hour after we parted ways my phone vibrated - Dad had been released earlier in the day, and they were pretty sure they knew the cause. Relief at last for all involved.

Then school started up again, and here I sit.

My phone was off and charging last night, so I missed Mom's call. She left a message, though.

Hey hon, it's me, gimme a call if you
get the chance, ok? Thanks,
talk to you later...Bye.

So I called her back this morning.

Well, I was kinda hoping you'd call last night...

Sorry, phone was off and charging...

Well yeah. Um...your dad's
back in the hospital. He's had
six strokes since he's been there.

...

And here I sit, those stories of fathers and children racing through my head.

Will mine be one of them?

Why So Serious?

Y’know, we’re all really fucked up, even if we don’t think of ourselves that way. We all somehow come from a broken home – broken emotionally, broken physically, broken mentally, broken financially. Everyone can fit into one of those categories. I wouldn’t have considered myself to have come from one – in fact, if I’d been asked twenty minutes ago, I’d tell you I came from one of the best homes I’d seen. Only child, single mother, it all works out. It’s a close relationship, I didn’t have to deal with idiots growing up (except myself). Twenty minutes ago I would have said Charlotte came from an in-tact home as well. But now, under this new realization…wow. It’s all pretty messed up. I grew up with a depressed mother, with financial problems, and no dad to speak of. All these factors and more have created the mess that is typing this – I myself am depressed, as I’m eighteen and in need of a first job I’d say that’s financial problems, I have a hard time communicating with guys properly for the first time because I’ve never had any kind of contact with them. (I’d say I got lucky with Papaer and Sir.) As for Charlotte, she and her siblings got along famously (not), especially her and her brother, which in my humble opinion might have something to do with her status. A subconscious revolt against her parents may also be at the heart of it – they are constantly pressuring her to bring home a guy to have lots of sex and babies. I don’t think she’s well-suited to her family dynamic. I know she loves them, and I know they love her, but…It’s almost a mismatch. I’m not saying that any little rift in any familial relationship should automatically be construed as broken, but that once we begin to get more objective, we might see little bits of brokenness.

Next week on SeeSquared, we examine why these epiphanies only happen in the middle of homework.

A Realisation

It continues to haunt me.

In my dreams

In my few alone moments

In the simplest recollections of the past

It's there.

Will it never leave me?

Am I forever scarred?

All I can do is pray not.

It should not still be with me

It should be dead and gone

And yet

And yet -

There it is

In everything I say and do

It weighs upon me

It invades my life

How have I not killed it?

How does it continue to thrive?

Easy.

I let it.

I keep it dangling by one small thread of life

And it continues to torment me

And haunt me.

I refuse to let it die.

Some small part of me never wants to forget

But some small part of me never wants to remember.

It's too painful

It's too much

It's there.

Even if some day I do kill it

And allow it to stay dead

It will linger

Because it has affected me

In ways I cannot yet fathom.

Like a scar that refuses to go away -

Like a wound kept open -

It will stay.

The injury may stop throbbing

But the pain will never fade away.

If I Could Travel Back in Time...

I'd visit...

~1773-1800 - American Colonies/US I'm enough of a history geek that I'd want to visit a war. That's right. I think it'd be fascinating to see where today's history textbooks got it wrong - I for one have issues with Paul Revere's ride. It feels too much like an American legend than revolutionary history. That, and I need to research.

~1600 - London, England Not for the plague, you silly persons. Shakespeare's Hamlet should have opened around then, and I'd like to see how it was done with the Bard's own input. He was my first Shakespearean love, and I have a feeling Burbage did him justice. Dare I say, maybe more so than Kenneth Branagh...?

~1971 - backlot of 20th Century Fox Just because MASH (the movie) was filming there, and I'd love to ruin shots by cracking up off-screen.

~1969 - my hometown I, like most people I would assume, wonder what my parents were like when they were my age. While at this point, I'd be three or four years older than my mom, I wouldn't care, it's close enough. This way I get to see all the idiots she hung out with too (sorry dudes).

~1998 - Leavesden Studios/English countryside Yeah, that's right, I'm travelling back to when I was eight years old. Just to see how *cough*badly*cough* well a fanfic of mine would work out, and to get more technical information on the world I'm writing in. Sleepy Hollow was being filmed around this time, and it's in Tim Burton's world I'm writing, not Washington Irving's. I'm sure that would have been just as fun, but since I'm more familiar with Burton's, I'll go with that.

When would you go?

Fuck Anthropology, I Need to Blog

The reading can wait, says I.

Just as an FYI to you non-existent readers, I'm going to try to update this once or twice a week. I can't promise, because quite frankly, I don't think my life is that interesting to people outside of who's mentioned here, and I wouldn't like to bore you at all, so...yeah. Wish me luck, yo.

I've noticed lately that when I sit down to write - not journal, but write stories and imaginary people's life events - the thoughts don't go where intended. I started to write prose-in-poem-form with the working title of "Champagne and Chardonnay" but it ended up somewhere I find stupid and nonsensical. It just...kinda...goes. Same with Gaby. She's not going where I thought she was, nor is Cat and nor is Bryen (either of them). Not just does the actual plot change, but the style does too. Suffice to say, I don't get it.

As for life, I had a spectacular weekend. Went South for the holiday, because my chunk of a second cousin was baptised Sunday. Also meant I got to see family I've not seen in a good four years. Well, "family" - my cousin's in-laws. I was introduced to the world of cornhole, and as a n00b with beginner's luck, my mother and I pwned my godfather/cousin and aunt, because we are just that amazing. Ish. Apparently I wasn't used to using my muscles in that manner, because my back and shoulder are still pretty stiff. That aside, the weekend was well-spent and those are the best weekends.

That was almost deep.

I recently got into a JPop group, Sukima Switch (スキマスイッチ), introduced to my Japanese class by our new sensei. (On an unrelated note, I've decided that that position is our version of the DADA post.) I'm not usually one for pop, but I love the melodies and instrumentation. I have no idea what the words say, because I've had little to no luck finding the lyrics in translation. Bleah. I'm willing to bet I'll love the lyrics as well. Should you find them, let me know, eh?

And last but not least, I'm going to list five random facts that reveal little to nothing about me.
~I'm addicted to iced tea.
~I picked a sucky schedule this semester.
~I can't decide if I prefer Firefox or Internet Explorer.
~I wear a lot of mismatched jewellry.
~I can't think of a fifth thing.

One More Day, woot woot.

Randomness about the local changes...

~I changed the colour again because the blue just wasn't doing it for me, y'know? So I changed it to this. Then I realised I needed a title...

~"Champagne and Chardonnay" is something I said at Kroger a while ago, as I passed various wines, and both Mom and I were like, Whoa, that could be cool. So I wrote it down and kept it in mind. So I wanted some sweet subtitle to go...

~...and I looked in various My Chemical Romance songs to find a good one-liner. And I found "We hold in our hearts the sword and the faith." I liked it. So up it went.

I think that covers it...Yeah. I think I feel a blog entry proper coming on, when it becomes more developed it'll appear here. In the meantime,

For us, and for our tragedy,
Here stooping to your clemency,
We beg your hearing patiently.

I love random references.

Yeah...

I changed the look again.

I'll try to keep it this time...

My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention

Is it possible to be too cautious? If a person is afraid to let another person know of their feelings because of all the possible ramifications - a changed perception of the person, loss of friendship with the person, whatever - might they never find love? They can't take that first step, which is probably the most critical.

I'm not sure what else I have to say about this; it just hit me that I should send it out into the void, so I did. It might get updated from time to time...who am I kidding?

PS I wish I could take credit for the title, but alas, I am not that clever. It's a quote from the movie "Blazing Saddles," and if you've not seen it, you've barely begun to live.

Few Quick Things

Sorry about the vehemence in the last post. That was more me ranting about my inadequate ability to find desirable guys. I do like the guy as a friend though, even though he does piss me off rather a lot. Um...yeah. Sorry 'bout that.

Also, I believe it's time to mess with the layout. I regret to inform you that this may mean a change in title. *shockawe* Yeah. That means I have to actually attempt to be clever. Good luck me.

Oh - those of you in the know (and those I may not have told, 'cause I can't remember who I told) about recent familial developments, I have more to tell you. Just so you're aware.

I reckon that's it...*skips off to redo the layout*

~~~Hey Look Here! Post-layout change Update!
I've decided this piece of insanity should still be called £7 even with the new heading. Just because I like the ring of it. So there.

That is all.

...for now...muwahahahaHaHaHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

...I don't understand it either.

How the hell - pan left

Recently, I've come to wonder how I ever liked you, dude. I mean, yeah, I had a reason to when I met you. But lately...ever since a couple years ago. Someone decided to freak me out and come at me with a rock. Yeah. You did. It went downhill from there. Now you're ditching for someone else. What's wrong with me? I like better people than you - I'll persue them now, fuck you very much. Not that they'll take me, I certainly wouldn't. But at least they won't try to stone me.

Asshole.

Reasons Remuck Hearts MySpace

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1.Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2.Put it on shuffle
3.Press play
4.For every question, type the song that's playing
5.When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool... and a lot of the songs fit with the setting

Opening Credits:
"Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time" - Paul McCartney

Waking Up:
"I've Just Seen a Face" - Jim Sturgess, Across the Universe

First Day At School:
"I Have Confidence" - Julie Andrews, The Sound of Music

Falling In Love:
"Be My Escape" - Relient K

Fight Song:
"Sharp's Curse" - Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

Breaking Up:
"St Jimmy" - Green Day

Prom:
"La Vie Boheme" - Ensemble, RENT

Life:
"Bremen March" - Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

Mental Breakdown:
"House of the Rising Sun" - Muse (cover of the Animals)

Driving:
"Waking Up with Wolves" - The Black Maria

Flashback:
"Swingin' Uptown" - Jimmie Lunceford and his Orchestra

Getting back together:
"Pirate's Fortress" - Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

Wedding
Shop" - Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

Birth of Child:
"Out Tonight" - Rosario Dawson, RENT

Final Battle:
"Scared" - Three Days Grace

Death Scene:
"Death Comes Ripping" - The Misfits

Funeral Song:
"Sing for Absolution" - Muse

End Credits:
"Take the 'A'-Train" - Duke Ellington and his Orchestra

Alright

So maybe I like this guy more than I give myself credit for.

Just What This Blog Needs - More Bloginess!

1. So how did you come up with your blogging name? And/or the name of your blog?
The blogging name says (in what is likely bad Japanese grammar) CoffeeCousin, as a nod to CoffeePastor over on Philosophy over Coffee. The rest of my "About Me" are my various other monikers, depending on the situation (or, in the case of Remuck, bad typing ability). As for the URL for this page (remusrantsandraves), I meant this to be the place where I could complain and not worry about anyone coming across it. But, me being me, I shared the link and then, after my first blog went kaput, this became the main one. The title up there (and subtitle) is a quote from Sweeney Todd, which I used because the background here looks like wallpaper and it seemed appropriate.

2. Are there any code names or secret identities in your blog? Any stories there?
Oh man, this blog's got codenames coming out every orifice. Charlotte, Meddy, l.c.h. and others are all the same person. Masbeth, Arty, Maureen, dead babies and sasparilla, and others are another person. Dave, Cornholio, and "him" are a third person. There are stories behind them, yes, but too long for a meme.

3. What are some blog titles that you just love? For their cleverness, drama, or sheer, crazy fun?
Letters from Kamp Krusty, simply because of the Kamp Krusty reference.

4. What three blogs are you devoted to?
Letters from Kamp Krusty, The Secret Confessions of Lady Charlotte Hargreaves and Philosophy over Coffee. Yup.

5. Who introduced you to the world of blogging and why?
No one actually said, "OMG blog!!1!!!!one!!" But I knew of a couple people with blogs, and I liked the idea, so I started one.

Bonus question: Have you ever met any of your blogging friends? Where are some of the places you've met these fun folks?
Not technically a friend, I just lurk on his blog, but Brant would probably be pretty sweet. Everyone else I knew pre-blog, so they don't count. Sorry kids.

iTunes Quiz - My Chemical Romance Style!

Open iTunes or put your music library on shuffle. For each question, write the name of the song that plays.
NO CHEATING!

What do i think of my mother?
Give 'Em Hell, Kid.

What do i think of my father?
Interlude.

What describes my siblings?
Famous Last Words.

Did I have a happy childhood?
I Don't Love You.

High School
What was high school like?
Cubicles.

Was I a good student?
Demolition Lovers.

Did I party a lot?
Teenagers.

Love
what describes my first love?
Cancer.

Do I have a boyfriend/Girlfriend?
Romance.

Do I like someone?
All I Want for Christmas is You.

Life
What was today like?
You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us in Prison.

What are most days like?
I'm Not Okay (I Promise).

Whats my life like?
Early Sunsets Over Monroeville.

What is in store for this weekend?
I Never Told You What I Do for a Living.

What song describes my parents?
Helena.

How is my life going?
Jack the Ripper.

Do i act my age?
Dead!

What song will they play at my funeral?
Disenchanted.

Wedding?
Blood.

How does the world see me?
This is the Best Day Ever.

Will I have a happy life?
Skylines and Turnstiles.

What do my friends really think of me?
Thank You For the Venom.

Do people secretly lust after me?
The Ghost of You.

How can I make myself happy?
Bury Me in Black.

Whats my family think of me?
Hang 'Em High.

What should I do with my life?
Our Lady of Sorrows.

What is my signature dancing song?
Sleep.

What do I think my current theme song is?
The Sharpest Lives.

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Mama.

What is my life theme song?
Cemetery Drive.

What best describes my life?
House of Wolves.

What best describes my friends?
This is How I Disappear.

What best describes the person i like?
Desert Song.

Have you had sex?
Kill All Your Friends.

How will you die?
Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough for the Two of Us.

What describes my worst enemy?
To The End.

Do i enjoy life?
Vampires Will Never Hurt You.

Am i a good person?
Welcome to the Black Parade.

Do i make others happy?
Headfirst for Halos.

When I Think About You, I Impress Myself...

The only line I know from that song. More than enough, I'd say.

Anywho.

For those foolish people who don't know, I'm a writer. *shockawe* Yup. Only I've never finished anything. On my old laptop, I started some thirty-odd documents with ideas. Granted, some were the actual documents of writing, but others were just seeds that needed to be planted just right. In the great Technological Revolution, transferance of files became impossible. (When I say old laptop, I mean...old. Like Windows 3.1 compatible motherboard.) So now I must retype them all here and save them on a flash drive for safekeeping. In so doing, I'm revisiting bits of my mind that I'd forgotten about and allowed to grow stagnant...and at every turn, I find an incomplete convo I'd worked on. This kills me. I know all these conversations, I know how they'll end up...and yet, when I read them, I find myself wanting to read more. My reaction to realising that one didn't continue earlier led to my mother asking what the hell was wrong with me. (Perfectly normal way of saying "What's the matter", don't worry.) And in that way, I impress myself. It probably has much to do with my miserable memory and not so much with my incredible writing skills *cough*lies*cough* but still. Wow. I actually want to read my stuff.

And now that I sound incredibly pompous and arrogant and full of myself, I'll end this.

After a Year at College...Not Much has Changed.

Heh.

I did this survey-thing on MySpace (and my original blog) in October, and decided to see what had changed after my freshman year. I reckon it might become an annual thing, y'know? Maybe not. We'll see.

Original: 63%


Ok, Here's the deal... Start with 100% and subtract 1% for everything that you've done. Then repost as your __% Virgin.

1. Smoked
2. Drank alcohol
3. Cried when someone died
4. Been drunk.
5. Had sex.
6. Been to a concert.
7. gotten/given a handjob.
8. gotten/given a blowjob.
9. Been verbally/sexually harassed.
10. Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 95% virgin

11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
15. Been to prom.
16. Cried at school.
17. Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
18. Went streaking.
19. Given or received a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 90% virgin

21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house.
23. Kissed a stranger.
24. Hugged a stranger.
25. Went scuba diving.
26. Driven a car.
27. Gotten an x-ray.
28. Hit by a car.
29. Had a party
30. Done serious drugs.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 88% virgin

31. Played strip poker/darts/or any strip game.
32. Got paid to strip for someone.
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi.
36. Bought porn.
37. Watched porn.
38. Made porn.
39. Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
40. Been in love.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 85% virgin

41. Frenched kissed.
42. Laughed so hard you cried.
43. Cried yourself to sleep.
44. Laughed yourself to sleep
45. Stabbed yourself.
46. Shot a gun
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 81% virgin

51. Watched a person die.
52. Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody
54. Put somebody in the hospital.
55. Snuck into someones room and/or your own room after being out.
56. Kissed somebody of the same sex.
57. Dressed punk.
58. Dressed goth.
59. Dressed preppy.
60. Been to a motocross race.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 80% virgin

61. Avoided somebody.
62. Been stalked.
63. Stalked someone.
64. Met a celebrity.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse.
67. Cut yourself.
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 74% virgin

71. Got caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friend's crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat.
78. Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 73% virgin

81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by.
83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over or 3 months.
85. Sat on your butt all day.
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a whore.
90. Danced like a whore.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR:68% virgin

91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes.
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody.
96. Danced in the rain.
97. Been rejected.
98. Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
100. Been raped
TOTAL PERCENTAGE: 64%

Well...there it is.



Wait...how the hell does that work?! Ohhhhhhhhhhh, I counted one last time that didn't happen...but then I ate sushi so that should cancel out! I hate maths.

On a Considerably Lighter Note

Just copy-and-pasted from a bulletin on MySpace about birthmonths. I disagree with this whole-heartedly.

----------------NOVEMBER---------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say? Sure, I can stand there and be supportive! Just don't ask advice! I can't give it! I'm not bitter, really, I just don't know! I don't know what you want from me!!

どうして。

*rubs temples* Me thinking about how pissed off he is pisses me off even more. I feel like he's put way too much into this one small thing, and it may not be the last time in his life. I'm sorry. I know it hurts. But moving on is a part of life. One of these days he's gonna have to learn that.

I Can't Believe It

This shouldn't hurt this bad. They've gone up to the Hill without me before. I've known that. So why does it hurt this time? Why do I feel like I've been stabbed in the back and left for dead? "We are forgetting about you now, and we will be going to the hill with Christian Kim and Court" is what he said. I know him, I can hear him saying it, requiring a mop for the sarcasm...so why does it hurt this time? You're not making the move any easier. If anything, the distance has been doubled since I read that.

Why?

You Know Something?

I really think I love him.

More Awesome Playlistyness

Don't try to hide your excitement, I know you're geeked.

1.) The Hand That Feeds - Nine Inch Nails
2.) Kill All Your Friends - My Chemical Romance
3.) My Way Home is Through You - My Chemical Romance
4.) Poison - Alice Cooper
5.) Lay Down My Pride - Jeremy Camp
6.) Another Brick in the Wall - Pink Floyd
7.) Even Flow - Pearl Jam
8.) Killing Lonliness - HIM
9.) Suavemente - Elvis Crespo
10.) Desert Song - My Chemical Romance
11.) Born Free - Andy Williams
12.) The Adventure - Angels & Airwaves
13.) Piano Man - Billy Joel
14.) It's My Life - Bon Jovi
15.) Sooner or Later - Breaking Benjamin
16.) Vitamin R (Leading Us Along) - Chevelle
17.) 25 or 6 to 4 - Chicago
18.) Clocks - Coldplay

Heh. Enjoy.

Or something.

I seem to have this thing for eighteen tracks. Huh.

You know me, bright ideas just pop into me head and I keep thinkin'...

Seems a downright shame how short life can be, and how unexpected the end often is. I'm not sure why, but this has been bouncing around my head lately. It kind of began with the passing of Heath Ledger - I hadn't seen Brokeback until a couple monthes after his death, and the whole time I was watching, I kept thinking how great this loss was, so much talent...and it had just begun to hit its stride; he hadn't been in a great number of films, but he was finally getting the recognition he deserved, he had so far to go. A dear friend of mine recently lost someone, and while I didn't know him, it's odd to think that my friend will never see him again, never call, never talk to him, because he simply isn't there anymore. It hit me again in full force, and brought on this blog, a few minutes ago - a local actor passed away two years ago of Crohn's disease (it flared up and he was gone), and he was similar to Heath; he was a budding actor here in town, and was in the process of moving to either Chicago or New York, I forget which, to persue acting full time, because he was brilliant at it - I'd seen him in several productions locally, and had wanted to work with him, or at least meet him - but that won't be happening any longer, because he's not here, he will never again grace the stage with his superb ability.

I guess, my point kind of is, carpe diem, kids. If you want to meet someone (or go as far as work with them) make it happen, don't wait. Maybe that's not really my point at all. Carpe diem is, to be sure, but...make life happen, because if you just wait for it to come, you may find your wait cut short. One of my favourite sayings is Shit Happens. Yeah, it does. But sometimes, if you really want shit to happen, you have to give it a kick. And what of it if you get called a shitkicker? At least you had fun doing it. Don't worry about having to clean your shoe at the end of the day. Just seize it before it slips away for good.

What if I

called you Maureen?

Why Not?

Name five places that fall into the following categories:

1) Favorite Destination -- someplace you've visited once or often and would gladly go again South Dakota, either Custer or Rapid City. There is absolutely nothing in any direction if you just go a few minutes outside either city, and I love it. Beautiful. And yet, if one feels like being un-hermity, town is just a short drive away. Perfect. Chicago would be good too =]

2) Unfavorite Destination -- someplace you wish you had never been (and why) I honestly don't have an answer for this. Um...I mean, I bitch about a lot of places kinda a lot, but I don't wish I'd never been somewhere. But if I think of something, I'll edit.

3) Fantasy Destination -- someplace to visit if cost and/or time did not matter Southern France, anywhere in Japan, California (specifically in the next few days *jealous*), Forks, Fleet Street...Right now, I want to be in Dbo.

4) Fictional Destination -- someplace from a book or movie or other art or media form you would love to visit, although it exists only in imagination Bahahaha Hogwarts, Hogsmeade, Castle Rock (ME), Narnia (don't Arty, don't even touch it).

5) Funny Destination -- the funniest place name you've ever visited or want to visit Menominee's up there, but I think I might have been. I'm sure there're more, I'm a tad brain-fried. Again, if I think of some, I'll update.

This looks so much better in my journal.

It was a dark and stormy night...

I love clichés.

It wasn't dark, it wasn't stormy; hell, it wasn't even night. But it makes it more dramatic, doesn't it?

It was a dark and stormy night. The phone line had been mysteriously cut dead, and there was now a mysterious scratching sound on the front door...

Just kidding. Sorry. I've read too many cheap books for my own good.

Well, that's not true either. No book is cheap, even at the dollar store. I meant "not good."

But that can't be. There is no such thing as a "not good" book. Only books that I don't like. But I didn't not like those dollar store books. They just...weren't my favourites. Yeah.

Oh! I'm supposed to be telling a story.

Anyway. It was just after lunchtime, on a partly cloudy day when the phone rang. It was my friend Arty (though she wouldn't like me calling her that) asking what was up. Nothing, I told her. So she asked if I could come over. Sure. So I did. Then we sat around, playing musical soundtracks and singing along. And it was fun.

That's it. That's my story.

Seems rather ridiculous when it comes right down to it, doesn't it? That's why I tried to embellish it with clichés. That sorta failed.

But yeah. That's it.


Oh! The moral is -

I love my friends.

They make me happy.

They get me through life.

Even when I fail at it.


But it's all good.

Because
I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

I Just Made

An uber-amazing playlist. (Sorry Masbeth.)

1.) Miss Murder - AFI
2.) Nothing Comes Easy but You - The Black Maria
3.) Ex's and Oh's - Atreyu
4.) Copa Cabana - Barry Manilow
5.) Barbara Ann - Beach Boys
6.) Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy - Big & Rich
7.) Piano Man - Billy Joel
8.) Cold - Crossfade
9.) Waking Up with Wolves - The Black Maria
10.) Old Time Rock and Roll - Bob Seager
11.) Hate Me - Blue October
12.) Move Along - All-American Rejects
13.) Shameful - Atreyu
14.) Sooner or Later - Breaking Benjamin
15.) Cats in the Cradle - Cat Stevens
16.) Vitamin R - Chevelle
17.) Clocks - Coldplay
18.) The Adventure - Angels and Airwaves


Oh yeah.

So Far, and Yet So Close

This is the second time today I've had the urge to update this silly thing, so I figured I should.

But what to talk about...How 'bout life?

In six days' time, I will be done with my freshman year of college. o_O Talk about intense. Granted, I've got to get through my finals first...*twitch* I'm not talking about this anymore, it's depressing.

Took a walk into town. Hm, let me amend that to say "hike" - the walk lasted a good forty minutes. And it poured on us for most of the trip. I think my jeans might be dry, dunno about my "purse." Doubt it. We went just to wander the Goodwill in town, and that was mildly worth it. I picked up the original Sims and the Livin' Large expansion pack. But lo! the new phenomena that is Windows Vista does not like the lowly Sims. >.< I also picked up Ecstasy: Three Tales of Chemical Romance. I've read it before, and figured, why not? It was fifty nine cents. (Everything total cost me under five dollars. Yay Goodwill!)

I have a shit ton of packing to do. Ew.

Stress is getting to me. This has been one of my worst semesters ever. Depression's set in, only in (likely) clinical form this time...um...yeah. That's actually all I'm willing to say about it here. Let's just say May 7 can't come soon enough. Insha'allah, next year will be ten times better.

I also keep having these random-ass dreams. I won't detail them on here, mostly because I can't remember all the details, but I'm beginning to notice a trend. Masbeth...?

Reckon that's all for now. If I think of summat else, I'll update again.

i can haz sleep?

*sigh*

How long can we wait here
To say goodbye?
The words once they're spoken
Are words that we can't take

Back to where we were, before
Things got in the way
Life gets so confusing
When you know what you're loosing

You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you

We'll both regret the hurting
That we will do
You'll learn to forget me
And I'll try I'll try to forget...

You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best

If you ever need a place that you can run to
I'll be here, I'll be here

You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you



Look. I know I'm a bitch. I'm my own worst enemy. I can only imagine what I do to you. I'm miserable to live with. But...Even though it's mostly my fault, I feel like we should know each other better than this, hell, we should love each other more than this. Or differently...not that way. (Sorry, had to alleviate the tension - you know how I am.) We shouldn't be this way. I'm the guilty party. But...I don't know. I guess all I want to say is, I don't want to live this song. Because it wouldn't work. Not on my part, anyway. We'd finally decide to part ways for a while, because we need time or what have you, but just as we start to walk away from each other, I wouldn't be able to help but stop, spin around, run up behind you and hold you. Cliche, yes. Lover-ish, yes. But...I do. I love you. I mean...shit. You were my first sister. I can't not love you. No matter how much I bitch, no matter what I do or say or whatever, I always feel guilty. Sure, I'm outwardly pissed, but that's not what's deep down. Deep down I'm kicking myself - for being bitchy, for not believing my mom (and others) when they said we shouldn't do this, for...well. For being my styngy self. I hate it. Don't go maternal and tell me not to. This is one instance where, if you don't let me hate myself, it'll run unchecked, and who knows where I'll end up. I need to. Let me. Oh. And while it may not seem like it now, I'm almost fairly maybe confident that it'll all work out. And who knows? Maybe I'll kick my cliche habit.

Oh Joy

I gotted my schedule. Yay.

Intro to Anthropology, Intermediate Japanese, French, and Egyptian Art.

Oh yeah.

I think Imma die next semester. *nods*

More Musing on Moving

I liked having a house. No one was on any side, I could play music as loudly as I wanted, I had a porch with a wide-enough rail that I could sit on, we had a swing. Now...

I'm in an apartment. There's someone on all but one side, I have to take them into consideration with my music, I have a balcony with a small rail, no more room for a swing.

These may seem like little things. They probably are. But to me - who blares music at every opportunity, who sits on front porches, who swings - and writes. Music is one of the most important things in my writing method. Certain songs make me think of certain stories, or certain times at a certain place. Times and places I thought would always be there.

Maybe I've just got hardcore seperation anxiety. This is, most likely, true. I hate being seperated from things I love - people, things, places. It tears me up inside. And now I'm leaving what's been my home for eleven years. There are memories in that place that only songs can bring back, maybe a few smells. And when these songs come up in iTunes, I almost want to cry. I'm leaving home, and I'll miss it greatly.

Sure, the apartment will eventually become home, but when you've lived somewhere for the majority of your life, it's hard to replace it. There have been many great (and many not-so-great) memories in that place. I lived in two places prior to The House - but none of those memories from either of those places are as strong as the ones I've gathered these past eleven years.

I'm leaving home...for home.




[What a lame, hokey ending.]

I Want A Weekend.

I'm tired of carrying boxes.
I'm tired of not having anything in my room.
I'm tired of driving back and forth.
I'm tired of moving.
I'm tired.

Leave me alone.

An Extremely Short Treatise on PotO

As in Phantom of the Opera.

I hate Christine. There, it's out. At first, sure, she's all well and good...but then, after seeing the Phantom's face, she's all superficial and "Ew, he's ugly! Bleah!" Well, ok, so he was a tad harsh and pissed off, but who wouldn't be if someone you loved saw your true appearance and hated you for it? She just bugs the shit out of me.

In case you couldn't tell, the Phantom is my favourite character. Even with his mildly bad temper (heh) he's got good reason for it. Most people don't. (Well done Monsieur Leroux.) I won't go too deeply into why, but I love him.

And then...there's the poorest bastard of the lot. Raoul. All he does is go after the woman he loves, and still gets the shit end of the stick. In my humble opinion, he's the best character. Not my favourite, but a good man.

I told you it was short.

Moving

is a bitch.

That is all.

I Should Be Studying Kanji.

Dear Mom:

I feel like there are some things that need to be said.

You mentioned the other night (or whenever it was, it was fairly recently) that my style has changed dramatically over the past few years. I've been churning this over mentally, and come to the conclusion that that's not entirely correct. Yes, I have gone more for black, for red eyeliner, for Hot Topic, for louder music, for heavier music, just since sophomore year. Seems like a dramatic change just from my freshman year of high school, eh? Not really. Sure, I've changed my outward style. But I've always been this way on the inside. It's only been recently that I've grown the balls to let that style be known. The attitude, the immaturity, the darkness...it's all been there this whole time. I was just too afraid of what the world (and you) would say, would think. While I come off (hopefully) as nonchalant or uncaring when someone openly disapproves, it hits deep. Anytime I do something that I know someone disapproves of, all I can think is, I hope I don't see them while I'm like this. It stays with me. For years, and even now, I've been afraid of that. Why don't I share half the thoughts that go through my brain? Why don't I share details of conversations I've had? Why don't I share the stuff I've written? Why didn't I let on when I started listening to WRIF? I was afraid you'd disapprove. The first time we ventured into Hot Topic, I probably seemed a little tense, or uncomfortable. That was more because I was afraid of what your reaction to the store was than what was in it. I felt perfectly at home. (Well, perhaps perfectly isn't the right word, but you get my point.) Now, however, I see that that fear was misplaced. (Is that the right word?) And that's allowed my metaphorical balls to grow and become what they are today - bigger than most men. At least I'd like to think so.

Another random tidbit. (We're going into debt so I can have some quality introspective time, you'll notice.) You've been right for years. Really. About (almost) everything. I'm just a prideful dorkwad who won't admit when she's wrong. But we knew that. I've known you were right. So it's not some big revelation that every person has when they get to college, or after for some people. I just figured I should share this and explain.

And now for an exercise in trust. It's nothing to do with you, I promise. I'm about to send you the link to this on AIM. I realise that that shouldn't be a big deal, that I should have no qualms in sharing this, that that's a chickenshit way to deal with what's ultimately my complex (or whatever the term'd be). You want to read some of the crap I've written? Click the link under "Who Am I?" and from there, click on "Camelot." There you are. There's the insanity and stuff that I'm not necessarily proud came out of my mind. It's not everything, far from it. But it's a start. But I ask one thing: if you disapprove, don't let on. You know I love to write (and it's not all that dark, I promise - that's just what's been typed up) and I'd hate to have that poisoned too. But I will talk about it, 'cause I like talking it out. Works better than mental brainstorming, anyway.

Good God this is a downer.

Snow needs to bugger off.

Love ya, and thanks for putting up with me for eighteen years. You deserve a fecking metal.
Remus

PS I'd have signed with my name, but for the anonymity issue...My apologies for that.

Oh Jesus Christ Almighty, Do I Feel Alright, No - Not Slightly

I hate me.

Heat Wave, a Tropical Heat Wave...

A little bit of sun'll do a Michigander good.

Kendo was last night. Didn't go - no way in hell was I doing a hundred and twenty repititions with a headache. Oh no.

So instead I ventured to the library. I'd put a hold on the Sweeney Todd music book and wanted to go grab it before I forgot and it was put back on the shelf. While I was there, I browsed the movie section - we've got a pretty kick-ass movie collection. Good thing, because the nearest Blockbuster's Jackson. I picked up 2004's The Aviator. And I loved it. I'm sorry I missed this when it came out, 'cause now no one'll want to talk about it as much. Whatever. At least I saw it at all. I also realised something. I don't care what people say (rock and roll is here to stay) but I love Leonardo diCaprio. His acting ability kills me. Sorry LeoHaters, it does. I love it. End of story.

The ice is turning more to slush than ice! Lord be praised! 'Course, that means it'll probably freeze over night, but hey, it's melting right now. The melting also means it's warmer, all of sixteen degrees! Improvement from three.

It's summer in my rooooooom. I got this sweet candle at Bath and Body Works over break, and finally brought it back this weekend. Called "Sun and Sand." Smells like Coppertone Sunscreen! And when the scent gets stronger, it's like citronella! So it goes from Day At The Beach to Night 'Round The Fire! Amazing!!

Heat wave, a tropical heat wave...I need a life.