Even if where we're going we don't need roads, a roadmap would be great.

I feel like a lot of things have been lining up in my life lately. Maybe this will seem a very self-centred viewpoint, but I don't much care. From this very selfish ideology, I feel as though the cosmos has finally lined up for me. I'm geeked about schoolwork, for one. I'm not giving up on the job front with my fatalism, as I generally do. I'm more out-going and more easy-going with my adopted siblings. I'm generally more inspired.

I think God's been poking me for months now, but I'm just getting the message. I came to school this semester determined to do all I know I can do academically, to make my grades match my ability. I'll try out for plays and not worry about being judged for any of it, good or bad.

With faux-sibling rivalry, I'm a bit over it. I'm not trying to compete with my 'big sister' and confidante. Charlotte doesn't deserve putting up with my idiocy like that, and I shouldn't do that to her. I give that up.

I considered a lot this summer. I considered attempting to learn to cook. I considered giving painting another go. I tried four-needle knitting...well...I guess I'm just trying to broaden my horizons. As I get older, I see the horizon becoming smaller and smaller and one day, it's going to disappear altogether. I want to keep it within my sight for as long as I possibly can. I still question teaching as where I want to go in life. Clearly it's something I want to do, I've been pretending to do it for years, but is it what I want to be my end-all be-all career? I don't think so. There's too much other stuff I enjoy to shut it all out with something as constricting as a teacher's schedule. I don't want my career to define me, either.

There was a comedian here on campus last night - comedian/motivational speaker. He passed something on his college advisor had told him - Do your thing. It's your education. I want to claim my education, I want to do my thing. The usual questions still abound - can I do my thing? What is my thing? What he said resonated with me. Fulfill your dreams. I wish I knew how.

I guess the only thing for it is to improvise. I'll let you know how that works out.

平和

Remus

Some Ponderances

Some days, I feel like the normal rhythm I've followed all my life is spazzing out. Christmastime no longer feels like Christmastime...Homecoming is no longer the full-weekend event it once was to me...

Not that I mind, I suppose, but...in case you haven't noticed, change is not my favourite thing in the world. And considering that this is a major change in my nearly twenty years of existance, it's a tad bit off-putting. It makes me feel as though life isn't just business as usual, it's simply moseying along with no direction...

I don't know. It's just odd, I guess, and might take some time to work out and become the new norm.

In other news, I can't help but wonder how many essays I could write from some of these short-and-sweet entries. Maybe I'm just being my typical self-centred self, but I really do wonder.

平和
Remus