Ever feel like God's cheated you? You don't think about it, maybe once or twice a year, but never enough to make you stop and really reflect. But then comes that moment...You get an assignment that asks for your family tree and anecdotes from your family. People around you discuss the fathers in Disney movies and compare them to theirs.
For x-number of weeks, the conversations never stop. The assignments don't go away. The assault continues.
Eventually, defences will break. They *will*. It's part of human nature and psychology.
Well, kids. My defences have fallen.
It's not the first time, but that doesn't make it any easier. For one of my history classes this semester, we have to reconstruct our family trees and place the women in our families in their historical context. I imagine this would be a lot easier and considerably more enjoyable if I had any relatives beyond my mom's generation alive. I can't simply call them up and ask what they thought of the times they'd lived through. I know dates; they would be fascinating conversations. I have to use what my mom and her sisters remember, and what census documents can tell me. I'm a history major. I can't help but feel cheated of a source. The furthest into history I can reach with my own two hands is the late fifties.
Disney fathers have been discussed more times than I really think necessary for the last two and a half months. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but can we please stop discussing them for a while? It's the same conversation every time, it doesn't need to be rehashed. I've had very negative thoughts about this before. I've been sad, I've been upset, I've been non-committal, I've been so furious I wanted to punch something. The only positive thing I feel has come from this aspect of my life is how close I am with my mom. I would trade that for nothing. But I still wonder why I couldn't have had both.
As frustrating as these things are, it takes a certain combination of mood, hormones, time of day and recent events to make me turn my anger to God. Considering how quick to general frustration and anger I am, this is something of a miracle. I may shake my fist at God, but it's in good humour - God creates all good things, I consider my sense of humour good, therefore, if A then B. I don't mean it. When I'm in this kind of mood, though...I blame God. I get mad at God. That's not true. I get royally pissed at God. It's all His fault. He made my life this way for whatever the hell His purpose could be. He could have changed it.
Now I find this rant turning into territory somewhat covered by the sermon in church today. The pastor preached on Lazarus Rising and the attitudes and feelings of the involved parties (it tied into All Saints Day, but that's not prudent to this rant). I find myself having similar thoughts - 'If you'd been here, my brother would not have died'...I can't help but ask, why me. I realise I'm throwing this out of proportion, but in my circumstances, I've got more than enough on my plate.
I just...guh.
Now I'm tired, and I still have homework to do. I'll probably feel better in the morning. I'm sure God'll forgive me one bad night.
平和
Remus
