So. Brandon.
After some consideration, thought, and conversation, I declare myself perfectly happy with remaining friends -- and nothing more. Knowing both his reasons and mine, they're really very similar in places, so I figure it'd be for the best.
Whoo! I can move on! Man, I'm lame. I was really holding out, too. But now I don't have to. Now I can see whomever I want and not worry about what I may have missed, because now I'm not missing anything.
Peace out from the basket case.
3.7.07
More Cursive!
Mmkay. So. Gaby.
Earlier today, watching Mary and Nick play NightFire, they were in the Snow Blind (naturally), and there're these two caverns in there, with armor, ammo, and slight shelter. They're slightly maze-like, and only have one exit. As I watched Nick beat Mary's ass, she kept respawning in one of the caverns, and she could barely ever get out before Nick found her and shot her again. Through the entire game, I'd commented how creepy it'd be fore the three of us to really be running around there shooting each other -- creepy because I can hear Nick's psychotic laughter every time he fires a shot. The more I thought about that aspect, the more I thought of the caverns, and the creepier it became. I kept joking about Mary getting lost in there, but I really would get lost in there, no problem. That scared me. Not even creeped me out, it really scared me. Put it all together -- Nick with a Golden Gun and no injuries, me with the standard-issue PP7; Nick knowing exactly where I am, me lost in a cavern; me hobbling around with several bulletholes and little stamina left. He'd come right after me, I'd run frantically trying to get armor and another weapon, then get lost because I didn't know which of the caverns I was in, and just as I'd find the exit, he'd be coming in with his fully-loaded Golden Gun pointed in my face. I'd run backwards, fumbling for my Delta Repeater (which I'd have picked up in my frantic running), he'd watch me, I'd pull it out at last, just get it aimed, and he'd blast me in the head with a Golden Bullet. Then it'd start all over again, because I'd respawn, and the hunt would begin. He'd find me, and then I'd be gone again. As this occurred to me, I actually wanted to stop watching them play when they ended up in the caverns, just because I couldn't gt the thought out of my mind...and the fear of the circumstance out of my gut. It was almost like a coming panic attack, so I asked for paper, because lately, if I write it down I can pre-empt it. But to no avail. So I quit watching for a while, until I felt better.
Then, a couple hours ago, Mary and I left Nick's and ended up at Meijer so I could get a new pair of flip-flops. As we were coming out, in the place between the two doors, I got a huge whiff of alcohol, mostly beer. I almost stopped, but my head snapped up (I watch the floor when I walk) and looked both ways for Dave. I only found the Bottle Return. But my first thought was Dave -- I smell alcohol (kind of) a lot, and I like it and I love the taste, but I don't think I've ever smelt it and immediately thought Dave before. so that got me thinking. I don't realise it, apparently, but I'm far too vested in Gaby's story for my own good. I didn't realise hwo easily it pops up until tonight, and it both scared me and got me thinking. Scared because it means I'm uber paranoid and don't realise how much I live in the story. Pensive because it's got to mean that there's something in my past that I don't know about, be it abuse to me by an alcoholic someone, or to someone I loved deeply so I've blocked it out, or it could have been me in a past life that's trying to resurface (perhaps because my soul recognises the abusive soul, and that soul is in one of my friends, and it's trying to warn me but can't be explicit...??). I don't know. All I know is I almost wish I hadn't met Gaby four years ago. If I hadn't done, I wouldn't have so many problems, nor would I be writing this novel. I'm almost afraid to write any more of the story, simply because I haven't looked at it in over a month, and yet the smallest thing brings it to mind -- not as a story, mind you, but in recall; like you know how someone can block something mentally completely, but with the right trigger can go into total recall? That's what I feel's happening everytime something triggers Gaby. Hm. I really want to know, so I can do something about it if I am...and yet, I'm afraid of what I might learn. I'm afraid there really will be something, and if there is, I'm not sure I want to know.
Earlier today, watching Mary and Nick play NightFire, they were in the Snow Blind (naturally), and there're these two caverns in there, with armor, ammo, and slight shelter. They're slightly maze-like, and only have one exit. As I watched Nick beat Mary's ass, she kept respawning in one of the caverns, and she could barely ever get out before Nick found her and shot her again. Through the entire game, I'd commented how creepy it'd be fore the three of us to really be running around there shooting each other -- creepy because I can hear Nick's psychotic laughter every time he fires a shot. The more I thought about that aspect, the more I thought of the caverns, and the creepier it became. I kept joking about Mary getting lost in there, but I really would get lost in there, no problem. That scared me. Not even creeped me out, it really scared me. Put it all together -- Nick with a Golden Gun and no injuries, me with the standard-issue PP7; Nick knowing exactly where I am, me lost in a cavern; me hobbling around with several bulletholes and little stamina left. He'd come right after me, I'd run frantically trying to get armor and another weapon, then get lost because I didn't know which of the caverns I was in, and just as I'd find the exit, he'd be coming in with his fully-loaded Golden Gun pointed in my face. I'd run backwards, fumbling for my Delta Repeater (which I'd have picked up in my frantic running), he'd watch me, I'd pull it out at last, just get it aimed, and he'd blast me in the head with a Golden Bullet. Then it'd start all over again, because I'd respawn, and the hunt would begin. He'd find me, and then I'd be gone again. As this occurred to me, I actually wanted to stop watching them play when they ended up in the caverns, just because I couldn't gt the thought out of my mind...and the fear of the circumstance out of my gut. It was almost like a coming panic attack, so I asked for paper, because lately, if I write it down I can pre-empt it. But to no avail. So I quit watching for a while, until I felt better.
Then, a couple hours ago, Mary and I left Nick's and ended up at Meijer so I could get a new pair of flip-flops. As we were coming out, in the place between the two doors, I got a huge whiff of alcohol, mostly beer. I almost stopped, but my head snapped up (I watch the floor when I walk) and looked both ways for Dave. I only found the Bottle Return. But my first thought was Dave -- I smell alcohol (kind of) a lot, and I like it and I love the taste, but I don't think I've ever smelt it and immediately thought Dave before. so that got me thinking. I don't realise it, apparently, but I'm far too vested in Gaby's story for my own good. I didn't realise hwo easily it pops up until tonight, and it both scared me and got me thinking. Scared because it means I'm uber paranoid and don't realise how much I live in the story. Pensive because it's got to mean that there's something in my past that I don't know about, be it abuse to me by an alcoholic someone, or to someone I loved deeply so I've blocked it out, or it could have been me in a past life that's trying to resurface (perhaps because my soul recognises the abusive soul, and that soul is in one of my friends, and it's trying to warn me but can't be explicit...??). I don't know. All I know is I almost wish I hadn't met Gaby four years ago. If I hadn't done, I wouldn't have so many problems, nor would I be writing this novel. I'm almost afraid to write any more of the story, simply because I haven't looked at it in over a month, and yet the smallest thing brings it to mind -- not as a story, mind you, but in recall; like you know how someone can block something mentally completely, but with the right trigger can go into total recall? That's what I feel's happening everytime something triggers Gaby. Hm. I really want to know, so I can do something about it if I am...and yet, I'm afraid of what I might learn. I'm afraid there really will be something, and if there is, I'm not sure I want to know.
I Fail at Cursive.
Ok. So.
Reasons I like Brandon:
- nice
- sweet
- said yes to prom
- would be willing to go out with me
- family likes him
Reasons I don't like Brandon:
- flirt
- neither Alexis, Mary, nor Nick are too keen on him as a boyfriend
- cheated on Jordan three times over the course of two years...
- I say I do, but I'm not sure I really trust him
God. I hate me. I love him so much I'd rather see him with someone else then with me if it'd make him happy (even Martha, believe it or not). And I should probably trust him, I think I can. But I'm not sure, I keep second-guessing myself, and I hate that. He tellse me I can trust him, but I keep thinking about how he cheated on Jordan so many times in the course of so little time. I don't want to let him go at all, either -- if nothing else, I want to stay friends with him. I mean, he's not my best friend, I've already got two of those, but he's still a good friend, considering I know a lot of his shit. The more I talk to him, and the more I think about it, the more I think he's right: he's not a good first boyfriend for me. I don't know why -- I should message him about that. I'd like to know his reasons for thinking taht. Granted, I don't know mine, but I'd like to know his. I hate being like this, it makes me feel obsessed, adn after a while I hate consulting even my best friends becaseu I neither want to bore them, nor have them get tired of me talking about it. I don't know. Help!
Oh. And I was just thinking that your dad's a creeper.
*runs away*
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