Is this an epiphany or a mini-bitchfest?

After all this bloody time I've finally worked out that I can't, in fact, write a paper the night before. So now I know for next semester. Fat lot of good that does me, as I now have a paper due at an immobile deadline this evening, and in the five hours since I've sat here at my computer, I might have written a paragraph. Most I can do at this point, I guess, is pray next semester is the turning point of my college career.

So now, before I go into a melancholy self-examination about my talents, doubts, and everything else, I'm gonna go attempt to finish this sucker.

平和
Remus

(I tried to sign with my name in Japanese. HAHAHAHAHAHA Nice try, internet stalkers that probably don't actually exist.)

Holding On for Dear Life

It was almost eleven, and she was almost late for church. The day was hinting at being beautiful, regardless of the cold wind - the sun was brighter than it had been all week. Campus was peaceful at this time on weekends, especially the last Sunday of the semester. The only sounds were the faint hum of cars on one of two busy streets in town and the rush of the wind. When she came to a tree, however, a new sound greeted her ears - a rustling. Her first thought was of two squirrels scampering up and down a trunk somewhere, but as her eyes followed the sound, she saw that the tree was too young and small for more than one squirrel at any one time. Instead, she found four or five leaves still rather tenaciously attached to the slight branches. They looked as though their time was coming soon, considering how brown they looked and how much noise they made. A few trees later, she heard the sound again - but this time, it really was two small black squirrels running along a great, old tree. She searched this tree for any remaining leaves, but found none. The only leaves to be found were on the ground.

Thinking back on it later, it occurred to her that those few unfallen leaves were representative of the students on campus. The semester was drawing to a close, final exams were imminent, and at this time of year, those students really had a deathgrip on life. In barely a week, they would let go and fly free and life would be grand.

(Never mind that that grand time would only be a few weeks.)

I'm blogging about something other than me? What?

New Hampshire, Connecticut, Vermont, Iowa, and Massachusetts all have legalised gay marriage. So...if the general geographic area originally settled by the Puritans can do that...why can't the rest of us?

Random Insanity

Isn't that pretty much this whole blog...?

For the first time in quite a while, I miss GJ. Stupid server failure.

I've got a giant history project due Monday. (You may remember it - I was ranting about it a while back...) I've pretty much got it outlined...actually doing it is so far proving to be another story. The PowerPoint's been open for a few hours now, and I've done a slide and a half. Progress! Only not really! Yeah!

It's the last leg of my teenage years this week...I haven't decided yet if that's good or bad.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALMOST THANKSGIVING. Where the fuck did this last year go? I distinctly remember posting last Thanksgiving, how can it have been a year?? According to all the adults I've ever talked to, the years don't slow down either...le sigh. Maybe rather than holding time in an unsuccessful death grip, I should just embrace it and go with the flow...

That's enough for now. I'm starting to feel guilty abandoning my project.

平和

Remus

Variation on a Theme

Why does the basket case in me stick around like no other?

Aw jeez.

Apparently I'm not where I thought I was...

Come Together

Why are the Beatles so timeless and so absolutely amazing?

I Wish It Was Sunny With a High of 75...Bloody Midwest.

We were talking together

I said, what's up with this weather

Don't know whether or not

How sad I just got

Was of my own volition

Or if I'm just missin' the sun

And tomorrow I know

Will be rainy at best

And the forecast I know

Is that I'll be depressed

But I'll wait outside

Hopin' that I catch sight of the sun

Because on and off

The clouds have fought

For control over the sky

And lately the weather

Has been so bipolar and

Consequently so have I

But now I'm sunny with a high of 75

Since you took my heavy heart and made it light

And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life

When you're happy to be alive

And the temperature is freezing

And then after dark

There's a cold front sweeping

In over my heart

And we might break up

If I don't catch sight of the sun

Because on and off

The clouds have fought

For control over the sky

And lately the weather

Has been so bipolar and

Consequently so have I

But now I'm sunny with a high of 75

Since you took my heavy heart and made it light

And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life

When you're happy to be alive

Relient K

'High of 75'

Mmhmm

To state the obvious, I'm feeling better about life again. I guess, when I go down, I go down hard.

平和

Remus

I'm Having an Angry At God Moment

Ever feel like God's cheated you? You don't think about it, maybe once or twice a year, but never enough to make you stop and really reflect. But then comes that moment...You get an assignment that asks for your family tree and anecdotes from your family. People around you discuss the fathers in Disney movies and compare them to theirs.

For x-number of weeks, the conversations never stop. The assignments don't go away. The assault continues.

Eventually, defences will break. They *will*. It's part of human nature and psychology.

Well, kids. My defences have fallen.

It's not the first time, but that doesn't make it any easier. For one of my history classes this semester, we have to reconstruct our family trees and place the women in our families in their historical context. I imagine this would be a lot easier and considerably more enjoyable if I had any relatives beyond my mom's generation alive. I can't simply call them up and ask what they thought of the times they'd lived through. I know dates; they would be fascinating conversations. I have to use what my mom and her sisters remember, and what census documents can tell me. I'm a history major. I can't help but feel cheated of a source. The furthest into history I can reach with my own two hands is the late fifties.

Disney fathers have been discussed more times than I really think necessary for the last two and a half months. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but can we please stop discussing them for a while? It's the same conversation every time, it doesn't need to be rehashed. I've had very negative thoughts about this before. I've been sad, I've been upset, I've been non-committal, I've been so furious I wanted to punch something. The only positive thing I feel has come from this aspect of my life is how close I am with my mom. I would trade that for nothing. But I still wonder why I couldn't have had both.

As frustrating as these things are, it takes a certain combination of mood, hormones, time of day and recent events to make me turn my anger to God. Considering how quick to general frustration and anger I am, this is something of a miracle. I may shake my fist at God, but it's in good humour - God creates all good things, I consider my sense of humour good, therefore, if A then B. I don't mean it. When I'm in this kind of mood, though...I blame God. I get mad at God. That's not true. I get royally pissed at God. It's all His fault. He made my life this way for whatever the hell His purpose could be. He could have changed it.

Now I find this rant turning into territory somewhat covered by the sermon in church today. The pastor preached on Lazarus Rising and the attitudes and feelings of the involved parties (it tied into All Saints Day, but that's not prudent to this rant). I find myself having similar thoughts - 'If you'd been here, my brother would not have died'...I can't help but ask, why me. I realise I'm throwing this out of proportion, but in my circumstances, I've got more than enough on my plate.

I just...guh.

Now I'm tired, and I still have homework to do. I'll probably feel better in the morning. I'm sure God'll forgive me one bad night.

平和
Remus

Random Thoughts

I really need to apply for that bloody loan.

I got mail today! Woo! It's the little things in life.

Hall activity tonight = carving pumpkins! Yes! If it comes out ok I'll post pics.

'Tis the season to work out schedules for next semester; mine looks pretty good, even if I don't get my first choices. I'm pretty geeked.

I dreamt of the house again last night...but you know what? That's ok.

Oh! Believe it or not I cleaned my room yesterday. O_O I know! I did - I swept, I cleared trash, the place looks quite spiffy. For now.

I've had a procrastination attack. I have a PowerPoint due Wednesday that I haven't started yet. Oops. I've got time. I will survive!

I considered being Velma from Scooby-Doo for Hallowe'en. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a long, orange, turtleneck sweater?? Never mind a maroon skirt! Guh! Ah well. Planning for next year commences...

My plant (which I haven't named yet, oddly enough...) seems to be coming back after some funky deformed leaves sprouted. It's now spawning happily again, so I guess all is well.

I miss my cat. =[

Must end on an up note! Um...ooh.

Christmas is coming. Slowly but surely...stalking in the distance...

Yay!!

I can't feel my heartbeat. Why haven't I keeled over? ^_^

平和

Remus

Writing, Part Deux

Here's the rest of it; this is a bit more...emotional. I think I actually accomplished what I set out to do - explore my mind to see what's what. Before you judge me, my ego showed its ugly face. Just so you're prepared.

2007年7月30日

4.20時ぐらい

So much for the 'let's create a story!' idea, I don't see a plot developing here, wanna muse on acting? Maybe if I got back into that lax, sensitive state of mind I can come up with some insights? Let's give it a try, even though my writing and spelling is still deteriorating, case in point, just in cases...anywho, Doc says anywho, too, it's not just a stupid family thing I picked up, there are others out there will wonders never cease? At any rate, I was gonna start on acting, y'know, on the other page, I was really in a kind of trance, just writing whatever without letting it become too dark in tone and just listening to the noises at the park interesting, raelly, but now that I'm trying, can I do it again? what do you think? Not at all, so let's start at acting again, maybe that'll let me sink into it. So about that just kidding, I think I should teach myself to write with my left hadn, if only so I can keep going when my right hand cramps up, it does that a lot, especially in class or if I'm writing a lot, kinda like I am now, so ADD much? I was gonna muse on acting. So right, acting - I know I can act, I'm sure you tire of hearing it, but really, I ca...although, I'll admit, I'm not very good. I can through the monologue I've known for years in the sanctuary a while back, just because I could, because it was empty and no one could hear me even though there were people downstairs (they were all the way in the youth room, so no worries there. I don't know why I have such a block about acting if people can see or hear me, but I get seriously impaired if people are around. So I took advantage of it, and it was GREAT fucking great. My hand hurts. I didn't project, but I think I was still pretty damn good. If I keep at it, at the whole thing, perhaps I could pull Hamlet off in a couple years? Or is that too presumptuous, too grand an idea with absolutely nothing nothing, no bullshit on my resume, the most impressive being I don't even know - I took classes under the [theatre prof. I like best]? Please, I need to prove myself, I need to find out what the plays are for this upcoming year I think I just got a papercut so I can read the plays and actually know what I'm doing, rather than going into an audition cold, you'd think I'd learn, and I could always ask [my cousin/godfather] if he'd be willing to go over a scene with me, just for practise, I don't know. I haven't found my niche yet, haven't found the one thing that comes so easily to me that I can simply do it and enjoy it - not violin, cello, piano, guitar, acting, writing, languages, history - NOTHING - although, maybe writing, even though I'm not so good with deadlines, I guess acting is there, but in order to improve I have to be willing to be open to the lessons, I should see what [the professor]'s teaching/directing next semester and see about working with him again, or trying yet again to sit in on his Shakespeare class because, dammit I know I can do it! I know it's there! I just have to loose the chains binding it and let myself go! Maybe that's part of it too, it's not just a matter of learning the lessons of how to do it, and of course applying them, it's also a matter of letting myself go. I can't go crazy on stage like I want to, I'm too afraid of being judged, of people disapproving of what I'm doing, of it not being 'right,' although in theatre, there is no right or wrong, there is only strong and weak, I'm afraid of making a weak choice, I hate being judged even if it's only in my mind, I hate the feeling, what was that bout keeping the tone light, I'm too judgemental, I have all these limits I've placed on myself for no clear reason, although I just got a flash of [an elementary schoolmate], maybe something clicked in that whole thing that's been there ever since, I don't know, I don't even remember half the shit that went down in that whole thing, I just remember hating her and wanter her to leave me alone - something about Play-doh, I don't even know - but maybe it was something with that, or maybe that's just the influence of the swimmeet across the street, she was on the swim team then, I just don't know - ADD - but I do know that I have alot of weight - a lot should be two words, I know - attached to letting myself out of the shell, I just wish I could either throw them off and let them become so much space junk, or failing that use them, 'throw the weight around', as it were SOMETHING to get rid of them, ignoring them doesn't work even, they're definitely always there, anyway. So I was talking about acting and stuff at some point - my writing gets even worse when there are crazy emotions affoot (I spelled that wrong too, get over it) but apparently I do have a lot of silly shit buried in my memory. I wonder if therapeutic hypnosis is anything like this? So yeah, if I can overcome these mysterious obstacles and be me around everybody, I'd be willing to bet that acting would come ten times easier. So yeah. I think my brain's petering out, I have to pee and my hand is really pushing for secession at the wrist so that being said, I'm done for the day. Thanks for reading.

4時51ぐらい

~~~~~

And there you have take two - four pages written and ginormous on here. So yeah. I'm sure Freud would have a field day with this sucker.

平和

Remus

This is What I Wrote, Here's the Very Note

This is the six-page monstrosity I wrote a few months back...Yup, finally typing it up. So here 'tis.

2009年7月30日

4時ぐらい

Because this is so unfamiliar a feeling - not really. I want to write, even if it's just some silliness that barely has a plot, or is characterization, or...what have you. I just need pen to paper in a non-depressing capacity. No really. I'm gonna try starting to free-associate, and see what comes of it. Maybe I'll get a non-depressing story out of it...?

I just tried to get rid of an inkblot by swatting at it. Isn't it ridiculous how the human mind will do that? See something that's not right and try to fix it, only to be proven wrong? Cats sure have it easy - sleep, eat, bathe, sleep, get high on catnip, sleep, play with the humans, sleep, eat, get high, repeat. Human lives are so complicated, and it's all our own fault, really. But that's getting into philosophical, psychological bullshit, isn't it? All of a sudden my writing's very large, maybe my hand snuck some Viagra? Oh no, it tells me now that it was Cialis. All Greek to me, a Greek kid graduated from [my school] this last year, no one knew how to say his name right two times in a row. It kinda sounded like chutzpah, or at least looked like it. I tried to find [one of my former teachers] on Facebook today, no luck, I think. He taught me chess, and the phrase 'incessant caterwauling.' I don't think I spell it right but that's ok, I don't usually write it, only say it. [That year] is also when I learned that ICP meant not 'I see pee' but 'Insane Clown Posse', I heard one of their songs later, 'The Dating Game', I liked it, haven't heard it in years. [My best friend at the time] first played it for me, she was probably my first best friend, not counting [two friends from where I grew up], I'd forgotten about them. Man it's been years since I saw them, not since [one of them] moved, wow. But back to [my best friend], I went to elementary school with her, I don't remember meeting her, but I don't remember meeting a lot of people, even as recently as [my fellow Mousquetaires], although apparently they remember meeting me, I guess I'm memorable or something, I don't know, memory's a weird thing, isn't it? I mean, some things sit right there, waiting to be seen and other things sink to the bottom, waiting to be dredged back up to the light of day. Supposedly free-associating can dredge up those 'lost' memories, but ten minutes in all I've got is [the two early friends] and some really sloppy writing to show for it. Ah well. Maybe I just don't have anything interesting that I can't remember at will. Someone's smoking outside, and I'm beginning to think that all the craving I've done these past few months has all been in my head, because since I've been home, I haven't really craved, even at school I haven't truly craved since probably January. Good thing I guess, between my lack of income and OCD I'd become addicted good and quick. My writing has gone from sloppy to downright appalling, my spelling's really beginning to suffer. Olga's...what do I usually get? I don't even know, it's been so long since I've been there I reckon it was November, how things will change. In case you couldn't tell my concentration was broken, let's try again in a few minutes, shall we?

~~~~~

That was the first try; only two pages written...The rest is four pages (two sheets front and back), I'll type that up for tomorrow. I figured breaking it up would make it easier to read, so...yeah. Part deux is on its way.

平和

Remus

How absurd.

Words cannot describe my love for a fictional boy-genius.

Seriously. There are no words in the English language.

That is all.

平和

Remus

Heaven is One Step Away

[It's stuck in my head, sorry...]

Walking into a hazy morning sun with a hood on my head and a mission in my feet makes me feel like a right badass.

Why is that?

That's Motivation, Baby

College has kicked my ass yet again.

But this time, I'm not going to lie there and wallow.

No.

I'm going to get up,

Dust myself off,

And meet it head on.

I'm not giving in.

Fyte on, Britons.

A Piece of My Mind

She lay there, wandering the Internet, being bored, ignoring her language homework casting ominous shadows on her bed. She didn't want to do schoolwork. She wanted to watch a movie. She wanted to listen to music. She wanted to write, for God's sake.

But what about? She never knew. She always just decided to write. But that decision can be a pain in the ass when you have no specific reason to write. No subject, no verb, no predicate. Nothing.

But she wanted to write, Goddammit!

There must be some story wanting to be written somewhere, she thought. But all she could think of was autobiography, and no one would be particularly interested in her autobiography. At least, she wouldn't be.

She had no new characters...but who said the story wanting to be spawned had to be new? Did the future fictional job seeker want their story to be heard? Maybe they did. Their story was still locked in the recesses of her mind. It would seem that particular story is not content with captivity...

Should she go ahead and write it? No, it's not developed enough, she thought. But who said it had to be developed? This could be called prewriting, couldn't it? Well, she thought, it could be, but she'd never done prewriting before. So? But it's not her style...wait. She has a style? Oh very well, then. She began to think how to start.

But as soon as she settled on a story, another one floated to the surface. As if she needed more cause to be indecisive. The story of a girl, and her love life, and the tragedy contained therein...That's a terrible tag line, she thought. Very Juliet. And the heroine is no Juliet. Still an apt summary, though. So after all that indecision she switched tracks and started pondering the turbulent world of relationships.

How ironic that she should write a story about those. She'd never had one, and here she was trying to write nearly a lifetime of experience! Was she ambitious or just stupid? Both, most likely. She sighed resignedly. The homework loomed closer than she would have liked. She sighed again.

After all that, both job seeker and Juliet would have to wait.

Even if where we're going we don't need roads, a roadmap would be great.

I feel like a lot of things have been lining up in my life lately. Maybe this will seem a very self-centred viewpoint, but I don't much care. From this very selfish ideology, I feel as though the cosmos has finally lined up for me. I'm geeked about schoolwork, for one. I'm not giving up on the job front with my fatalism, as I generally do. I'm more out-going and more easy-going with my adopted siblings. I'm generally more inspired.

I think God's been poking me for months now, but I'm just getting the message. I came to school this semester determined to do all I know I can do academically, to make my grades match my ability. I'll try out for plays and not worry about being judged for any of it, good or bad.

With faux-sibling rivalry, I'm a bit over it. I'm not trying to compete with my 'big sister' and confidante. Charlotte doesn't deserve putting up with my idiocy like that, and I shouldn't do that to her. I give that up.

I considered a lot this summer. I considered attempting to learn to cook. I considered giving painting another go. I tried four-needle knitting...well...I guess I'm just trying to broaden my horizons. As I get older, I see the horizon becoming smaller and smaller and one day, it's going to disappear altogether. I want to keep it within my sight for as long as I possibly can. I still question teaching as where I want to go in life. Clearly it's something I want to do, I've been pretending to do it for years, but is it what I want to be my end-all be-all career? I don't think so. There's too much other stuff I enjoy to shut it all out with something as constricting as a teacher's schedule. I don't want my career to define me, either.

There was a comedian here on campus last night - comedian/motivational speaker. He passed something on his college advisor had told him - Do your thing. It's your education. I want to claim my education, I want to do my thing. The usual questions still abound - can I do my thing? What is my thing? What he said resonated with me. Fulfill your dreams. I wish I knew how.

I guess the only thing for it is to improvise. I'll let you know how that works out.

平和

Remus

Some Ponderances

Some days, I feel like the normal rhythm I've followed all my life is spazzing out. Christmastime no longer feels like Christmastime...Homecoming is no longer the full-weekend event it once was to me...

Not that I mind, I suppose, but...in case you haven't noticed, change is not my favourite thing in the world. And considering that this is a major change in my nearly twenty years of existance, it's a tad bit off-putting. It makes me feel as though life isn't just business as usual, it's simply moseying along with no direction...

I don't know. It's just odd, I guess, and might take some time to work out and become the new norm.

In other news, I can't help but wonder how many essays I could write from some of these short-and-sweet entries. Maybe I'm just being my typical self-centred self, but I really do wonder.

平和
Remus

Good evening, chiclets

Just letting you lot know I'm still around.

Went camping a couple weeks back wiv me mum for a week up north, and 'twas wonderful. I didn't do a scrap of writing save recording dreams and I must confess, it was a far more peaceful week for it. Writing turns me introspective, as does the beach...so I held off going to the water until the last night. When we finally went, Mom commented that I wasn't bringing a notebook, and we had a grand old time playing on the beach. It really was a good week.

Um...yeah...

I had summat else to mention here, but as per usual, I've forgotten. If it springs to mind I'll let you know.

In the meantime I'll work on an entry proper.

Cheers, and thanks for sticking around.

平和

Remus

Thought You Ought to Know

I wrote six pages of bullshit the other day. When I get around to it (so in another, say, ten years) I'll type it up and share it with you lot. I only figured I'd warn you so you can start getting excited now.

平和
Remus

C'est moi

Why yes, yes I am an artist.

Best Shuffled-iTunes Moment Ever

Went from (the new) Sweeney Todd's Poor Thing to My Chemical Romance's Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough for the Two of Us.

Fucking brilliant if I do say so myself.


Edit: I feel the need to expound on this. Not sure why, but we all know I do what feels right at any given time, so...The two in the MCR title, to me, refers to Lucy and Mrs Lovett, and both were vying for Mr Todd's attention - both wanting to be the only one reflected in Mr T's eyes...OK this argument made ten times more sense when I first came up with it. I surrender to my brain drain...for now.

Tony Award Presentations, or What I'm Thinking Right Now

Why does the stage have an allure - an allure that even the best of Hollywood can never hope to achieve?

Keeping Everything Inside

Songs have a tendency to stir up sometimes-strong emotions and memories within us; surely you've noticed. Linkin Park's 'With You' is one of many songs that take me back to my senior year of high school. Every once in a while I would actually do schoolwork that year, and when I did, it was usually later in the evening and the world was drowned out by the noise of Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory. I'd put the CD into my personal CD player (even though, at that point, iPods were more in vogue, I was too cheap to have one), stick the earbuds in my ears, turn it up way too loud and jam while getting through homework. Homework was always accomplished this way. Even now, when I have iTunes on shuffle and a song from Hybrid Theory begins unexpectedly, I am transported - I am sitting on the couch in the living room at the house; it's reasonably dark as I have a thing about waiting as long as possible to turn the lights on; my backpack and a couple hundred other insundry things sit next to me; Minerva, my cat, is 'helping' me hold my books on the other side; said books are backlit by the streetlight just outside...No matter where I am when I hear the album, no matter what I'm doing, no matter what time of day, I'm taken back there. (Which of course takes me back to the house, and all the thoughts and feelings, new and old, resurface as well...but that, of course, is another story for another time.)

When 'With You' came up on shuffle earlier, I remembered another aspect of what was happening my senior year. I was angry. I was depressed. My only outlet - like so many angry, depressed teens before me - was overly loud and extremely expressive music. I was angry at myself, at my family, at school, at the world - nothing was right, nothing did right by me, especially myself. It is likely all this helped the depression along - I kept disappointing myself and my family where school was concerned, and that was all the world could see: the bad student. If the only face They could see was that, then what good was it to have any good facets backing it up? My self-confidence hit rock bottom, and on some level I just gave up. I've never much outwardly cared how I look, but inside I thought I looked terrible and was constantly on my own case about it. I tried to send out the signals that I didn't care about being a rotten student; unfortunately that mask was ripped off quite brutally quite often, simply because I cared so much. While it's true that, today, I'm more of a mind of laissez-faire, of take-life-as-it-comes, and I heartily believe in Gerard Way's advice to 'be yourself, don't take anyone's shit, and never let them take you alive', I'm still angry. I'm still depressed. The only thing that has changed is the degree. Even though it still tears me apart inside when grades come out or I think about changing, I've taken on a certain nonchalance, an attitude that 'that's the way it is.' Guess what, mate?

It doesn't have to be that way. But I'm the only one who can change it.


平和
Remus

It's My Blog and I'll Do What I Want To

Drumroll for my favourite Johnny Depp outfit in a movie:








The only thing that could improve it would be jeans.

平和

The Muses...

Falling away with you?

More like

Falling away from you.

And frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

A Thought

One of us is Hamlet, the other Laertes.

Which is which?

A Point of Interest

Brits who visit America complain of England's stiffness, its need for politeness and always saying Please and Thank you, and wish England was more like America.

Yanks who visit England complain of America's road rage, its quick-to-anger citizens, its political correctness, and wish Americans were more like Brits.

What the hell is up with that, folks?

Freee!

Yes!

With three Es!

I dropped all that moaping business. Can't have a fun and productive summer with me wearing it like a corset.

平和

Je ne sais plus...

I hate always feeling like I'm coming in second place. I'll be the first to say that there are plenty of ways I could change this, but please, let me rant. I've always felt second-best, if not further back. My cousins all know/knew what they want/ed to do in life - pastor, theatre management, film producer. All did/are doing well in school, if only well enough to get by. All have their own unique strong points. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, it changes with my mood and the time of day - history teacher, language teacher, even pastor on occasion, writer, actor (yes, I scoff too). I don't think I'm getting by anymore. My strong points end up overshadowed by everyone else's - even by my best mate's. She know where she's going - music teacher. She frets over not getting straight-four-points. Her voice is more trained than mine (even if I don't personally like the sound of it, I can appreciate the technique), she's acted in bigger and better parts than I, she can play guitar (and piano and stand-up bass and...), she speaks Japanese better than I, she takes expressions and gestures from me and gets the credit for them...! I am fully incapable of life, it would seem. Clearly I can survive - I eat, drink, and breathe - but am I living? Is it living if all you do is try to scrape by society's demands but don't enjoy the process? It's something of a theme I've harped on before, the competition/lack of acknowledgement. I'm big on easy solutions to problems, and the issue is that there is no easy fix. It's all a neverending cycle. Maybe if I'd speak up for myself...no, it would then seem I'm taking someone else's glory. Others have tried to push me into the spotlight, Lord knows, plenty of times - I fight it, though. I cannot be the centre of attention, I cannot abide getting due credit. And yet, when I don't, it stings. Something in me craves it; another part of me denies it. My optimism extends to the far reaches of the planet, but my pessimism is concentrated in a small cloud constantly over my head. I'm not sure how to get out from under it, but I feel confident that once I have achieved that, I can achieve anything. I'm staring in disbelief at a great solid wall...will it be easier to climb it, go around it, or shove my way through it?

Why does the acting bug only ever bite when I have no chance for an outlet?

Questions That Pop Into My Head

What must George McFly have thought when Star Trek - and Mr Spock - appeared in 1966?

Why do Catholic women find it necessary to become nuns after a certain age? Doesn't that go against the great commission of going forth and having as many little Catholics as possible?

Note: This post will likely be bumped and added to from time, so don't be surprised to see it again. 平和

The Last Hurrah

Something's up, doc.

Not sure what it is...

Anxiety attack?

Nerves?

Fatigue?

What?

The argument for a panic attack is strong - 

I just want to run.

I want to get away...

I wanna fly away.

What would I be nervous of?

I've had two days of repose.

Or...

Is it that I'm seeing something in someone I love

That I don't like?

How could that be the issue?

There are plenty of things I don't like about loved ones.

So why is this different?

Have I changed?

Or have you?

...I meant Gandhi.

Laundry day
See you there
Under things
Tumbling
Wanna say
Love your hair
Here I go
Mumbling

With my freeze ray I will stop the world
With my freeze ray I will
find the time to find the words to

Tell you how
How you make
Make me feel
What’s the phrase?
Like a fool
Kinda sick
Special needs
Anyways

With my freeze ray I will stop the pain
It’s not a death ray or an ice beam
That’s all Johnny Snow
I just think you need time to know
That I’m the guy to make it real
The feelings you don’t dare to feel
I’ll bend the world to our will
And we’ll make time stand still

That’s the plan
Rule the world
You and me
Any day
Love your hair

PENNY
What?

HORRIBLE
No - I... love the... air...
Anyway
With my freeze ray I will stop
~Neil Patrick Harris, My Freeze Ray, Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Yeah, more lyrics. Deal.

I get to pack later today, once my sleepover roomie leaves...such a daunting task. I think I'm just sick of packing, unpacking, and trying to locate stuff in boxes. Life might be like that for a while yet, don't know yet. I hate uncertainty. I create it for myself by second-guessing myself, then when I can finally get over that in some circumstance life throws it back at me. Some days I'm not sure how keen I am on this game called life, but don't let that fool you. I'll keep on truckin', even if I don't like it all that much. I'm too stubborn not too.

I finally saw Firefly and Serenity this week. Rocked my world, just so you know. Check it out. Tell your friends. Between that and Dr Horrible, Joss Whedon's pretty shiny.

I might have to kick my guest out if I want to accomplish anything today.

平和

Remus

An Epiphany and a Question

So...if I like actors because of the characters they play...why can't I find anyone like those characters in reality?

DONE.

Couple quick things

We have a brand-spanking-new-used van. Or we will when it comes up from Ohio this weekend.

I've already checked out for the semester. Not good.

I'm a bit slaphappy.

Stand back, everyone, nothing here to see...just imminent danger, and in the middle of it - ME!

Yeah.

平和 

Remus

PS My roomie and I've decided to rewatch Dr Horrible before buckling down on work...yes we're obsessed. What of it?

What a Crazy Random Happenstance

Here lies everything
The world I wanted at my feet
My victory’s complete
So hail to the king
(Everything you ever…)
Arise and sing

So your world’s benign
So you think justice has a voice
And we all have a choice
Well now your world is mine
(Everything you ever…)
And I am fine

Now the nightmare’s real
Now Dr. Horrible is here
To make you quake with fear
To make the whole world kneel
(Everything you ever…)
And I won’t feel
A thing
~Neil Patrick Harris, Everything You Ever, Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Just posting what's stuck in my head...

平和

Remus

You're Driving a Spork Into Your Leg

HORRIBLE
Any dolt with half a brain
Can see that humankind has gone insane
To the point where I don’t know
If I’ll upset the status quo
If I throw poison in the water main

Listen close to everybody’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s filled with filth and lies
But it’s plain to see
Evil inside of me is on the rise

PENNY
Look around
We’re living with the lost and found
Just when you feel you’ve almost drowned
You find yourself on solid ground
And you believe

There’s good in everybody’s heart
Keep it safe and sound
With hope, you can do your part
To turn a life around

I cannot believe my eyes
Is the world finally growing wise
‘Cause it seems to me
Some kind of harmony
Is on the rise

HORRIBLE (overlapping with Penny below)
Anyone with half a brain
Could spend their whole life howling in pain
‘Cause the dark is everywhere
And Penny doesn’t seem to care
That soon the dark in me is all that will remain

Listen close to everybody’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s filled with filth and lies
But it’s plain to see
Evil inside of me is on the rise

PENNY
Take it slow
He looks at me and seems to know
The things that I’m afraid to show
And suddenly I feel this glow
And I believe

There’s good in everybody’s heart
Keep it safe and sound
With hope, you can do your part
To turn a life around

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s finally growing wise
And it’s plain to see
Rapture inside of me is on the rise
~Neil Patrick Harris and Felicia Day, My Eyes, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Yeah. I've discovered the amazingness that is that sing-along blog. I'm only about a year behind the times this time, so I like to think that means I'm improving. If you've not seen it, find a way. I also like "Brand New Day". Just sayin'.

In other news, I'm either getting sick or allergies are just trying to kill me.

平和 (...but not literally.)

Remus

We're doing this in choir...and it is one of the most beautiful, haunting, devastating things I've ever heard. Give it a listen. If it doesn't move you, you're heartless.

Adventures

I just did two separate quizzes on Facebook about what element I am.

Your element is Air. You don't care much for rules or schedules and enjoy the freedom to live life your own way.

Air is the element of freedom. The people of air detach themselves to find happiness and freedom. Air is usually related to being adaptable, inquisitive, positive, energetic, restless, and clever.

I guess I'm just an airhead.

平和
Remus

Something of an admission/confession

I know I'm a terrible student. Yes, I'm well aware.

But I've never had it stare me in the face so bluntly.

I think this might be what it takes to get me motivated though...so this incident can't be all bad, can it?

平和
Remus

I've Been Better

I'm at one of those points...y'know, one I haven't been at in a while. For the first time in a very long time, a part of me just wants to curl up and cry. There are multiple factors at work in this, including current relationships, school, and the job marketplace. I fully realise that for the latter two, I've stuck my foot in my mouth about it. But the former...

A lot of the problems there lie in my own personality quirks (perhaps quirks is too benign a word). I realise this. But it neither makes it any easier to deal with or brings a quicker end to it.

I don't know. I don't want to pour the whole thing out here (go figure; normally I might have done) but just thought I'd throw this into the void.

平和 (I need it)
Remus

LMAO Facebook!

orange

Orange personalities are the creative adventurers in the color spectrum. They have an inner urge to be creative, active and enjoy life to its fullest. They are also individual and independent and integrate physical and mental qualities. They enjoy the challenge and excitement of forming and shaping physical reality. Orange personalities love to imagine and plan strategies for their next adventure or project and then put those plans into action. They need to be involved in the actual working process and want to physically shape and form their own ideas. They have difficulty sitting back and letting other people do things for them. They are always busy building, organizing and shaping their projects and physical reality. An Orange personality's motivation in life is based on how much pleasure and satisfaction they get out of their own adventures, challenges and creative projects. They want to be adventurous, creative and live out their own ideas.

I feel like I'm updating a lot lately

Too alarming now to talk about
Take your pictures down and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

Don't the best of them bleed it out
While the rest of them peter out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

Kudos my hero leaving all the best
You know my hero, the one that's on

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary
Foo Fighters, My Hero

There's a story waiting to be written here.
平和
Remus

Some thoughts I had in US History today

I feel like writing a blog entry. Or something. Let's see what happens today in history class!
We're watching a movie. It looks retarded. Well - only twelve minutes of a movie. It's called 'Wild Styles', from the early 80s, supposedly about hip hop culture. Some tagger is trying to decide whether to take his work commercial, but we're watching it for 'culture, scenery, blah blah blah'.
Watching the main character on the el trains reminds me of Spider-man 2...and my good old days. Some old habits and cravings die hard, apparently.
80s hip hop wasn't bad. It wasn't stupid like the rap and hip hop of today. Today it's all gangsta. The hip hop of the 80s was real, I guess.
Does that thing with the records scratch said records?
We're writing Ronald Reagan raps. I should try my hand later.
=====
Yeah, I wrote that in class. Bleah.

Also, I threw up a playlist at the bottom of the page, so if you're wondering where that music is coming from, it's probably there.

平和
Remus

Should you have been wondering what my current mood is...

I can't remember when it was good
moments of happiness elude
maybe I just misunderstood

all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find

so I'll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we've done
I think our lives have just begun
I think our lives have just begun

and I'll feel my world crumbling
I'll feel my life crumbling
I'll feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
falling away with you

staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you're breathing in
I know I won't forget a thing

promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same

all of the love we threw away
all of the hopes we cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again

I can feel my world crumbling
I can feel my life crumbling
I can feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
falling away with you

all of the love we've left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find
memories I will never find

~Muse, Falling Away With You

Yay Blogthings!

You Are a Yellow Light

You take life at a sustainable past. Fast enough to do a lot, but not fast enough to leave everyone behind. You are open to whatever may come your way in life. You're very receptive. You are quite thoughtful and knowledgeable. You have the perfect mix of reflection and experience. You think before you act. You like to know some of the facts before you make a decision.

What Color Traffic Light Are You?

You Are Vanilla

You are a delightful, friendly person. You are optimistic about life and people. You are enthusiastic and energetic. You enjoy everything you do. You are cooperative and flexible. You get along with people from many walks of life. You're not a show off. Instead, you're more likely to help other people shine.

Are You Chocolate or Vanilla?

You Are a Blueberry Muffin

You are a nurturing, domestic, homey person. Of all the types, you are the most likely to make your own muffins at home. You don't like to rock the boat, and you're most content when you're making everyone else happy. You are very loyal. You'll defend your family and friends, even if you secretly disapprove of what they're doing. You tend to be a bit shy and withdrawn. You don't make friends quickly or easily. But once you do make a good friend, the chances are high that you'll be friends for life.

What Kind of Muffin Are You?

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique soul like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

You Are Comic Sans

You are a nothing but a big goofball. You're quite playful and fun! You're widely known for your zany personality and your vivacious attitude. To say that you stand out in a crowd would be a definite understatement. Remember that you are overwhelming at times and that people appreciate you best in small doses.

What Font Are You?

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind. You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

You Are Play

Compared to most people, you are very active and energetic. You have a daring, challenging spirit. You're willing to go into something blind. You are playful, carefree, and optimistic. You are up for trying anything. If you dream it, you usually end up doing it. You're not one for putting your dreams on hold.

What Remote Button Are You?

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

Your Latte Says You Are Very Playful

You are easygoing and pretty simple to please. You don't put up a fuss... ever. You are a very frivolous person. You don't take anything too seriously. Why should you? Intense and energetic, you aren't completely happy unless you are bouncing off the walls. You're addicted to caffeine. There's no denying it. You are a child at heart, and you don't ever miss the opportunity to do something playful. You are honest and genuine, but you are never tactless.

What Does Your Latte Say About You?

You Are a Werewolf

You're unpredictable, moody, and downright freaky. You seem sweet and harmless, until you snap. Then you're a total monster. Very few people can predict if you're going to be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. But for you, all your transformations seem perfectly natural. Your greatest power: Your ability to tap into nature Your greatest weakness: Lack of self control You play well with: Vampires

What Kind of Monster Are You?

You Live in the Present

You take things one day at a time. And it turns out, that's a pretty great way to live. You aren't consumed by the past, and you're aren't obsessed with the future. You live in the now, and you enjoy each moment. While most people don't live in the present enough, make sure you don't live in it too much. It would be a mistake to forget your past or neglect to plan for the future.

Do You Live in the Past, Present, or Future?

You Should Light a Green Tea Candle

You are calm yet energetic. You take good care of yourself, and you have a lot of endurance. Like most people, you have a hectic life. But unlike others, you try to have as many moments of peace as possible. You're the type of person who's witty and insightful. You're secure with yourself, and you often have a hilarious take on life. You are expressive and apt to talk quite a bit. However, you're able to kick back and listen too.

What Scent Candle Should You Light?

You Are Low Key and Relaxed

You are a energetic, warm, optimistic person. You approach everything with a lot of enthusiasm. When you are happiest, you are calm. You appreciate tradition and family. You enjoy feeling cozy. You tend to be afraid of change. You are never ready for things to be different. You find solitude to be the most comforting thing in the world. Being alone with your thoughts feels very peaceful. Your ideal day is spontaneous and surprising. You like to play things by ear, and you always end up doing something interesting. You tend to live in the moment. You enjoy whatever is going on, and you don't obsess over the past or future.

The Autumn Test

I think the last two are closest to me...but that's just my opinion.
平和
Remus

I want to get away...I wanna fly away...

Yeah...

That is the only line of that song I know, and it's stuck in my head. All I know is that it's a good idea.

Maybe it's just one of my moods; I don't know. I only know that A right this second I'm tired of my roommate, B right this second I'm tired of staring at the same four walls, C right this second I'm tired of people treating my room like it's theirs too, D right this second I need someone to spend time with that is not in this group of people.

I'm with this same group of people day in and day out. We hang out here in my room. I need something different. Well - I will say this. I'm so far best myself and relaxed around Korea Comma S [we all have country nicknames now], and I don't mind him being around a lot. Even when I don't want people around, it doesn't annoy me to let him chill in here...I distract myself. Anyway.

There must be more than this provincial life...

Maybe not more, just...different.

平和
Remus

Another Playlist!

A Feeling Words Can't Describe

Don't ask me to be honest if you don't want to hear it.

Don't get stupid drunk because you don't like what you hear.

Don't judge me for drawing conclusions; I know you too well.

Don't ignore me because you don't like the answers I give.

Suck it up. Fight back.

Wonder why there's tension in our relationship?

We don't talk anymore.

We never have us time anymore.

Yes, part of that is my fault. I accept that.

But as you said nearly a year ago, this takes two.

I know I can be obnoxious, petty, competitive, overly-jealous.

But you knew this going in. In fact, it was that pettiness that first made me talk to you.

But you don't confide. You don't get over things.

There's no more support; or if there is, I can't see it.

I'm often told that love means loving everything about a person - faults included.

I'll be the first to admit I can't do this easily.

But I think it's coming back to me from your end as well.

I was going to blow a gasket on here, full of expletives and made-up words.

This is more calming though; allows me to put feelings down without anger.

Is it honest?

I thought you didn't like honesty.

I cannot tell a lie.

The future scares me shitless.

I've declared my history major, but...what does that mean for me in life? I don't want to be stuck in something - that's why it's taken me so long to declare. I love language, I love literature, I love history, I love theatre (even though I'm rotten at it) - how can I decide?

Every time I reconsider my options, I decide something new. Just earlier today I considered a religious studies minor - hadn't I decided on French/Japanese double minor (if I can swing Japanese)? There are so many possibilities that every time I settle on one, I feel as though I've denied the others.

Am I reading too much into this? Or being aware - and worried - that my future depends on this?

リマスの春休み、リマスのかぞく

私の春休みは3月9日から13日までだった。3月6日、私の友達とApplebee'sにばんごはんを食べに行った。後で、家に帰った。そうじしたり勉強したりした。一日だけデイアーボーンにかぞくのパーテイーにいった。とてもたのしかった。

私のかぞくはちょっとおもしろい。母と住んでいるが、父は私の家に住まない。母は二お姉さんと一妹がある。私は二男のいとこ、一女のいとこがある。

日曜日の午後、アルビオンに来た。少しかなしかったが、アルビオンが大好きだ。




＊＊＊If you come across this and cringe at the grammar, please:　手伝ってください。

I Regret to Inform You: We Really Did Just Have This Conversation.

Italics: me
Boldface: Charlotte-chan

dear ms former nazi:
i've decided this assignment sucks. so does the professor. i'm glad he's an adjunct.
sincerely,
an unsatisfied customer
ps. i think the assignment would have sucked even if i'd done most of the work ahead of time.

dear customer,
i've found most adjucts suck. their assignments also suck. we only have to suck it up for the rest of this semester, then it will all be over.
sincerely,
a formless void of useless information

dear void:
if adjuncts suck so, why do colleges hire them?
sincerely,
procrastinator extraordinaire

dear procrastinator,
the colleges hire adjuncts so as to avoid the need to blow unneccesary money out their asses. both have the same effect, except that the latter results in more paper cuts.
sincerely,
someone who pays ridiculously ludicrous amounts of money to go to a school that barely keeps up with state universities

dear ludicrous:
if they're blowing unnecessary money out their asses, why not blow it on decent adjuncts?
sincerely,
straw-grasper

dear grasper:
shit

dear failure...

dear grasper:
do such adjuncts exist? if so, please be so kind as to send them in a SASE a.s.a.p.
sincerely,
a non-believer (shuuuunnnnnnn)

dear shunned:
why must it be a sase if you're the one who wants them? and shouldn't i forward them to the school?
sincerely,
dazed and confused
ps. why are we still talking like this?

dear dazed:
you're the one who wanted them so fucking bad.
sincerely,
the board
p.s. because it kinda reminds me of monty python letters.... and it makes me laugh >_>

dear easily amused:
i only want good adjuncts if there need be adjuncts at all.
sincerely,
eric praline

dear ice cream:
take it up with someone who cares.
sincerely,
bitchy and apathetic

dear bitch:
*sniff* i thought you cared...
sincerely,
saddened by your indifference

dear pathetic lowling:
why would you think something like that? in fact, why bother trying to think at all?
not-so-sincerely,
CEO
p.s. in no way to be taken seriously.
sincerely,
charlotte who feels like a bitch even though it wasn't real.... *sigh*

dear whoever the fuck you are:
i like that you referenced you've got mail, even if you didn't mean it.
sincerely,
overthinking movie geek
ps. don't lose any sleep over it.

thanks
i didn't mean it
but now i wanna know what it is

toward the end when they become friends, he asks her if she's asked ny152 if he's married, so she does, and his response is all 'am i married? what kind of a question is that? don't you know me at all? oh wait - i get it. your friends are telling you the reason we haven't met is that i'm married. is that it?'
it brought that to mind is all

A Rant (Which Has Been Brewing for Quite Some Time)

Not for the first time, I just had another 'if I really tried, I could rock the world' moment.

There are so many areas of my life where this is applicable - if I got some proper training, I could have a great voice; if I got proper training of a different sort, I could become Broadway's next big thing; if I practised and worked at guitar, I could sing and play in a band; if I actually sat down and worked out just what it is I believe, I could rock the foundations of a couple major world religions (and piss some people off in the process).

No, really - I was reading the comments of this blog entry, and it occurred to me. My thoughts on the entire subject would appall some people. For instance: universalism and Christianity are not mutually exclusive. Christianity shows us a God who is infinitely loving and who desperately wants to know us, but, because He loves us, He gives us a choice of believing or not believing. It seems incredibly petty, therefore, for Him to condemn someone who chose not to believe when all He wants to do is know us. Wouldn't God take this opportunity to know us? Let's discuss the logic behind an all-knowing and all-loving God who willingly condemns His beloved children simply because they didn't believe in the right thing. It's almost as though He cares nothing for you except by what religion you call yourself. That logic I mentioned? Yeah. I'm not seeing it.

Point being - this is what's been floating through my mind for at least two years now. I cannot call myself a Christian because it implies I am a member of the organised religion. Will you accept the title of christian - emphasis on the lower-case 'c'? I believe that Christ is the right path for me, but it may not apply to everyone. You need to find your own way to God - if you decide you don't want to, ok. It's your perogative. I won't force my beliefs on anyone but I reserve the right to bring them up in debates - even if no one else agrees, I like to think they make an interesting counterpoint.

I think this might be the end of my search. I know what I believe, and I'm not likely to find somewhere this fits in completely. I reckon I'll just stomach the differences and save them for the debates.

In the meantime -

Shalom
Salaam
Pax Fiat
平和

Remus

I Can't Believe I Did That

I washed my spoon and measured out some chai latte instant mix while the water heated up. When it had I poured it into the mug while holding the spoon. I slid the spoon back into the latte to put the water heater back on its base, and when I looked back I couldn't find my spoon.

I lost my spoon to a chai fuckin' latte.

Did you want clever or smartass?

Using ONLY SONG TITLES from ONE artist, cleverly answer these questions:

1. Are you a male or female?
Dude Looks Like a Lady

2. Describe yourself:
Butterflies and Hurricanes

3. How do you feel about yourself?
It's My Job to Keep Punk Rock Elite

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend:
Too Young to Fall in Love

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation:
Dead!

6. Describe your current location:
Somewhere I Belong

7. Describe where you want to be:
Wherever I May Roam

8. Your best friend is:
Life Support

9. Your favorite color is:
Rhapsody in Blue

10. You know that:
All You Need is Love

11. What’s the weather like?
Moon Dance

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called?
Everything's Just Wonderful

13. What is life to you?
Time Bomb Town.

14. What is the best advice you have to give?
Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

15. If you could change your name what would it be?
Whatsername.


平和
Remus

Suspendies and a Bra

I miss mah internetz at home. Ah well. Life goes on, dunnit?

It's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood - bit windy, but nice. Ok by 'bit windy' I mean it's pretty gusty, which is making it feel cooler out than it is, but it's all kosher. It's beautiful.

Spring break FTW. Unfortunately, though, there doesn't seem to be much time for everything - rebooting the system, hanging out with people I haven't seen in ages, generally acting retarded...it's hard to fit all that in a week.

Um...yeah. I'm really good at lame updates, am I not? ^_^

Last but not least, enjoy this bit here. If you don't like it take it elsewhere - it's my favourite sketch/es.




平和
Remus

A Wee Li'le Update

Aye, just a wee 'un.

I went to church today. Hadn't been since returning to school in January. I think I'll go back after spring break.

I just might have a laptop again after spring break. Heads will roll if I don't.

I picked up some story starters offline a couple days ago. One of them fit nicely with a story I've been working on for a few years now, so I'm actually working on said story again. Nice change. I've missed it.

I use the word 'I' far too much.

I lent my suitemate a textbook for the semester. Even after what's happened, I better get it back. After all, I kept it for a reason and that reason wasn't her.

I might be going to both Applebee's and Olive Garden this week. Real food!

I think that's it.

平和
Remus

I'm At It Again

...I think.

I'm searching again (still?)...if you know what I'm talking about and have any ideas, please step forward and lemme know, eh? I'll figure it out for myself, but I'll take all the help I can get.

Thanks
平和
Remus

Dusty Footprints

are creepy as hell.

Aw Jeez

The shit just might be going down. Excuse me while I grab a poncho.

I could go into it all right now, but frankly, I just don't feel like it.

Instead I'll only say: in this moment, it's giving me butterflies; later tonight, I'll likely be relieved; by the weekend, I'll be thrilled that Porthos is finally coming up. By then, I should need a break from the crazy storm that's wreaking I-House as I type.

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions; I don't know. I mean, I think I know how it's gonna go, and I know how I kinda want it to go...but maybe I'm not right. It happens decently often, y'know, so...or is that just me not wanting to face the now-inevitable hurricane of insanity?

I don't know.

Other than that I'm golden. Relaxed, life is good...there just happens to be a nasty storm looming.

平和
Remus

Update: 2009年 2月 19日 Yes, the shit hit the fan. And frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

In Case You Were Wondering - My Current Fave Film

Why Do I Only Have to Pee When I'm at the Computer? Really.

Yet again, I sit here wanting to write.

But can I?

No.

Alas, alack, I have nothing to write about. I wish I did. Really, I do. But I don't.

In completely non-related news, Porthos may be joining us this weekend. It'll be the first time les Trois Mousquetaires are together since that crazy thing a couple days after Christmas. And I'm excited. It'll be good. ...so long as he can come out here. Guh, variables in equations are obnoxious.

In more non-related news, I really really really wanna watch JC Superstar. I haven't seen it in ages, and frankly, I miss it too. It's not one I watch around people though - that bugs me for some reason. Maybe I'll bite the bullet and watch it this weekend as part of the Musical Extravaganza of les Trois Mousquetaires. Man I hope that works out.

Who has a canker sore on the inside of her lip? Three guesses. Betcha can't figure it out.

It occurred to me what a waste of blogspace this thing is. I'm not actually making really astute observations or anything, and a lot of what I say doesn't make sense (gee, kinda like this entry here...). So what's the point? Ah, fear not, constant reader, I shan't take it down. Oh no. There are worse than this out there.

I wanna watch Sweeneh again too.

I'll shut up now.

平和
Remus

Tell Me Where Is Gandalf For I Much Desire To Speak With Him

Who is someone you wish you could fix things with?
I'm not sure how badly I want to fix things, frankly.

What's​ one thing​ you'​ve learn​ed from a good relat​ionsh​ip gone bad?
Set your bounderies with how much you take early on. After a while, it's a bitch to try to establish them.

Is there​ anyth​ing in your past that you'​d like to try again​?​
Not have been so socially awkward. No, really. And maybe not have procrastinated so long with certain things.

Who do you like to spend your nights with?
Myself, usually. But sometimes friends. (Roommates are a given. =P)

Are you an emoti​onal perso​n?​
Not in the slightest. *cough*

Are you self-​consc​ious?​
See 'emotional'.

What's something that can always make you feel better?
Marypants, or just alone time in general with a movie and some tea.

Why did your last relationship end?
None to speak of.

Do you miss it?
Next.

Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
Don't think so.

Who do you feel the most comfo​rtabl​e aroun​d?​
My Marypants. And mom.

Favorite flavor of Vitamin Water​?
The one that looks like piss. (But no ink.)

One thing​ you'​re looki​ng forwa​rd to?
Marypants returns tomorrow! With a chess set I hope! And spring break - 'cause then I get to go home!

Hones​tly,​ what do you smell​ like right​ now?
Clean clothes and deoderant.

How do you feel about change?
Meh. If I don't like something, bring the change on. If I do, I'll let it die with difficulty.

What are you not looki​ng forwa​rd to?
Trying to get alone time with Marypants next weekend.

What are your plans​ for your next birth​day?​
Too far off, so fuck if I know.

Do you even care about​ your birth​day?​
Meh. I'm pretty bipolar about it.

Do you think​ anyon​e in gener​al out there​ loves​ you?
Family and friends do, but other than that? Good question. And right now, I couldn't give two flying fucks.

Do you still​ talk to the perso​n you LAST kisse​d?​
Still none to speak of.

Have you ever seen your best frien​d cry and how do you feel about​ it?
Yeah, I have. AWKWARD. If anyone cries around me, it's just...well...awkward.

Who's the secon​d perso​n on your misse​d call list?​
No idea. And too lazy to check.

What is your favor​ite ring tone on your phone​?​
Badinerie. Woo monophonic ring tones!

What were you doing​ at midni​ght last night​ ?
Wondering why I was still up.

What did your last text messa​ge you recei​ved on your mobil​e say?
Probably my mom letting know where I could reach her if I needed her.

Do you belie​ve that every​thing​ happe​ns for a reaso​n?​
Yeah, but sometimes it's a bitch to accept.

What color​ are the curta​ins of your room?​
At school, it's a red shower curtain. Classy, I know.

If you could​ push one perso​n off of a mount​ain,​ who would​ it be?
^_^

Where​ did you get the shirt​ youre​ weari​ng and what is it?
Mah mommeh got it for me for Christmas - and it's purply goodness.

Is anyth​ing bothe​ring you right​ now?
Mum's the word.

Whats​ the weird​est thing​ you'​ve ever heate​d up in a micro​wave?​
Soap. But it was in class, so it probably doesn't really count.

Are you a cuddl​er?​
Depends.

Does anyth​ing hurt on your body right​ now?
My feet aren't too happy with me.

Have you ever liked​ someo​ne who treat​ed you like crap?​
LMFAO Yes.

Have you ever seen a zebra​?​
Probably a bajillion years ago at the zoo.

Are you offen​ded by dumb blonde​ jokes​?​
No. They're hysterical.

If you could​ go back and chang​e somet​hing,​ would​ you?
Deja vu...

What does your hair look like right​ now?
Pulled back, and something resembling crap. I'm so ready for it to grow out again.

Has anyon​e disap​point​ed you recen​tly?​
Recently? No. I don't think...no.

Will this weeke​nd be a good one?
So far it's been a tad 'meh', but who knows what tomorrow will bring.

How did you get the idea for your profi​le name?​
The nickname I dubbed myself, then my name as far as my fellow musketeers are concerned.

Look to your right​,​ what do you see?
A wall with a wad of gum on.

Have you ever done somet​hing to insti​gate troub​le?​
I don't think so, no. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

Your relationship status?
Very single. And very happy.

Have you ever felt replaced?
Not so much anymore, but yeah.

Where do you wish you were right now?
Here isn't bad - it's some of the people that are the problem. Well, only one. But we won't get into that.

Have a crazy side?
Spend a day on my floor and see if you really want to ask that again.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Ma mere.

Do you trust anyone right now?
Oh yes. I know I can trust her more, too, I...just don't.

Have you done anything you regret in 2009 so far?
Don't think so.

Last person to text you?
Mommeh.

What should you be doing right now?
Reading.

What are you listening to?
The drone of some machine somewhere in the building.

And now for something completely different. A ridiculous video that most of the world has seen before.





平和
Remus

The "Disjointed Thoughts" Panel is Now Closed.

Yes...more...

Every summer, for one week only, I counsel at the camp I used to attend. Some would say (me included, on some days) that I'm not especially suited to the job - the form of Christianity I "practise" is rather far from what they'd likely prefer (but they keep asking me back so whatever). But I keep doing it, because I want to and I figure it's something I ought to do. One of my campers from this past summer wrote to me in December. And let me tell you - that letter was full of difficult stuff. The terrible person in me hasn't replied yet - I haven't yet figured out how. I don't know what to say. I need to write her back though, for both our peace of mind. I need to feel like I've at least tried to do something. I don't know.

A kid I knew at church before I graduated went to NY to try his hand on stage and screen. As far as I can tell, he's been busy, but not a blockbuster. But I worry about him; where he's at, how he is, what life's throwing at him. I miss him.

I had my dorm room to myself this weekend, as did my suitemate. Our roommates had gone to an anime convention for the weekend, and let me tell you, silence has never been so golden. I was finally able to vent my many frustrations about my suitemate with my best friend...and we realised, through thick and thin, we're stuck with each other. There's been plenty of internal turmoil in the relationship recently, but we're still tight. I like that. It's good to know that even when one of us *cough*usuallyme*cough* starts shit, we muck through it and fling it at whoever tries to follow. Anyway, my room's again full of people. I need to start a curfew - after such-and-such a time, exuent omnes, I need down time, yo.

So far, keeping up with homework's going decently. It's beginning to be a half-assed job, but I think a lot of that is my current mood. With any luck it'll change this week and I'll actually do what I'm supposed to. What a concept.

Did I already throw the gist of my new story-idea-thing up here? I don't remember. *checks* Yup, there it is. Down there.

I'm pretty much obsessed now with The Mentalist. I need a life outside of TV, movies, and literature, I think. Make my human interactions a bit more interesting.

As far as guys are concerned...I'm as pathetic as ever.

I'm running out of things to say, so I'm surrendering.

平和
Remus

Yes, We Are Mature

I wish I could write entries like this.

In other news, it's become a recent pastime of ours to play MASH when we're bored, or in the car, or being retarded...so pretty much all the time...anyway. We've regressed to the second grade and are playing again. My roomie taught B1 and I how to do it with a deck of cards (it's slightly more painful, yet infinitely more hilarious). My turn came about, and I chose four guys from Hollywood: Michael J Fox, Simon Baker, Kenneth Branagh, and Johnny Depp. Frankly, the results were hilarious - and now I'm formulating a story to go with them

Hey - I gotta write something while my standbys are lost.

平和
Remus

Argh

So, you know that whole house thing I had going? And then it went bye-bye and life was good again?

Yeah, that.

Perchance that perturbed spirit rests not.

I'm so over it hanging around. It's not truly bothering me like it was before, but the fact that it's so omnipresent right now is starting to wear.

Anyway, I saw Hamlet last night. I died kind of a lot on the inside. In a good way. That show introduced me to the Bard, and is tied for first place (with Othello) for my favourite play (it just depends on my mood and the day). I thought it was beautiful, and for those two and a half hours, life could not have been better.

I have reading I need to do. So I should probably go do that.

平和
Remus

Nothing

Having finished with the computer, I clicked the Start button with the intention of logging off. However, as the cursor hung over "Log Off," I felt a pull to begin typing - something - anything -

With little consent from my conscious mind, I pulled up the Notepad function and let the words flow through my mind.

Gaby...the kitchen...the hallway...no...

Bryen...the train...the office...no...

Bryen...the shadows...the cell...no...

...nothing...

So here I sit, wishing desperately to write, allowing the unusually minor panic attack to take me over, envelope me...and yet...

...nothing...

~~~

I threw this together earlier this afternoon 'cause, frankly, it really happened. Then I slapped it up here 'cause, hey, it's kinda sorta interesting.

Well, that, and I'm a closeted attention whore.

Disjointed Thoughts (Because There Aren't Enough of Those Here Already)

My computer is, for all intents and purposes, dead. That means every story update since...oh...I bought it a year and a half ago. That's a lot of stuff. It's really starting to bum me out. Part of me is optimistic and says it'll be no problem for them to just start it up...but my rational bit says that's not likely - they'd have to wipe it to even get it to come up. I dunno. I hope, but I don't.

I'm really going to attempt to do well this semester. I know I can do it...I just have to prove it to the world. Aye...there's the rub. Damn rub.

Something not depressing...petty drama aside, I've missed being here. I know I've said otherwise in plenty of ways and places, but I truly miss it. I don't know what 'it' is, but even when I get that down time over break, a little Benedict Arnold part of me doesn't know what to do without it.

That moment there...that was confusing. Where I live on campus...is kinda convoluted. It's the foreign language unit, and up until recently it was just French, German, and Spanish. Well, now the incredibly loud (I can say that - I'm in it) Japanese contingency has invaded, and we're in the bottom floor of the German wing. I just call it the Axis House, but there it is. At any rate, some of the German kids decided they didn't much fancy us taking over (just because they can't admit we're cooler than they are...) and said as much on the maintenance log. Once - ok, you're dumb, we can laugh. Twice - wow, you are retarded. Thrice - we can play games too, so quit 'harassing' us. It was absurd. Rumour, at one point, had it it was one specific person, and that said person strongly disliked us for ridiculous reasons, and said person has given us no reason to think otherwise. Well, just now, said person came through, saw me sitting here, and not only acknowledged me, but waved. To me, this is out of character. I thought he didn't like us. Maybe it's not us as individuals, but as a collective idiot...?

At this exact moment (it's subject to change) I'm not bothered by the whole single thing. To a certain extent, I reckon I'm relishing it. I'm not sure why, but it's not phasing me right now.

Why did the inaugeration of the nation's first black president almost move me to tears? I'm a white woman too young to remember segregation...B1 believes it's because America's now on the route to change...I don't know. Could be that...but...I'm not sold...anyway...

I need a job.

And if I expect to pwn this semester, I need to start out on top of things, if not ahead...(read: I'm peacin' out, I have four chapters to read for tomorrow >.<)

And so, dear reader, I bid you Adieu, and I'll work on something to throw up here that I've already promised...or maybe I won't. Heh. I love having complete control over this thing.

Je te souhaite du paix (yes, I know that's not right.)
平和
peace
Remus