Je ne sais plus...

I hate always feeling like I'm coming in second place. I'll be the first to say that there are plenty of ways I could change this, but please, let me rant. I've always felt second-best, if not further back. My cousins all know/knew what they want/ed to do in life - pastor, theatre management, film producer. All did/are doing well in school, if only well enough to get by. All have their own unique strong points. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, it changes with my mood and the time of day - history teacher, language teacher, even pastor on occasion, writer, actor (yes, I scoff too). I don't think I'm getting by anymore. My strong points end up overshadowed by everyone else's - even by my best mate's. She know where she's going - music teacher. She frets over not getting straight-four-points. Her voice is more trained than mine (even if I don't personally like the sound of it, I can appreciate the technique), she's acted in bigger and better parts than I, she can play guitar (and piano and stand-up bass and...), she speaks Japanese better than I, she takes expressions and gestures from me and gets the credit for them...! I am fully incapable of life, it would seem. Clearly I can survive - I eat, drink, and breathe - but am I living? Is it living if all you do is try to scrape by society's demands but don't enjoy the process? It's something of a theme I've harped on before, the competition/lack of acknowledgement. I'm big on easy solutions to problems, and the issue is that there is no easy fix. It's all a neverending cycle. Maybe if I'd speak up for myself...no, it would then seem I'm taking someone else's glory. Others have tried to push me into the spotlight, Lord knows, plenty of times - I fight it, though. I cannot be the centre of attention, I cannot abide getting due credit. And yet, when I don't, it stings. Something in me craves it; another part of me denies it. My optimism extends to the far reaches of the planet, but my pessimism is concentrated in a small cloud constantly over my head. I'm not sure how to get out from under it, but I feel confident that once I have achieved that, I can achieve anything. I'm staring in disbelief at a great solid wall...will it be easier to climb it, go around it, or shove my way through it?