I Should Be Studying Kanji.

Dear Mom:

I feel like there are some things that need to be said.

You mentioned the other night (or whenever it was, it was fairly recently) that my style has changed dramatically over the past few years. I've been churning this over mentally, and come to the conclusion that that's not entirely correct. Yes, I have gone more for black, for red eyeliner, for Hot Topic, for louder music, for heavier music, just since sophomore year. Seems like a dramatic change just from my freshman year of high school, eh? Not really. Sure, I've changed my outward style. But I've always been this way on the inside. It's only been recently that I've grown the balls to let that style be known. The attitude, the immaturity, the darkness...it's all been there this whole time. I was just too afraid of what the world (and you) would say, would think. While I come off (hopefully) as nonchalant or uncaring when someone openly disapproves, it hits deep. Anytime I do something that I know someone disapproves of, all I can think is, I hope I don't see them while I'm like this. It stays with me. For years, and even now, I've been afraid of that. Why don't I share half the thoughts that go through my brain? Why don't I share details of conversations I've had? Why don't I share the stuff I've written? Why didn't I let on when I started listening to WRIF? I was afraid you'd disapprove. The first time we ventured into Hot Topic, I probably seemed a little tense, or uncomfortable. That was more because I was afraid of what your reaction to the store was than what was in it. I felt perfectly at home. (Well, perhaps perfectly isn't the right word, but you get my point.) Now, however, I see that that fear was misplaced. (Is that the right word?) And that's allowed my metaphorical balls to grow and become what they are today - bigger than most men. At least I'd like to think so.

Another random tidbit. (We're going into debt so I can have some quality introspective time, you'll notice.) You've been right for years. Really. About (almost) everything. I'm just a prideful dorkwad who won't admit when she's wrong. But we knew that. I've known you were right. So it's not some big revelation that every person has when they get to college, or after for some people. I just figured I should share this and explain.

And now for an exercise in trust. It's nothing to do with you, I promise. I'm about to send you the link to this on AIM. I realise that that shouldn't be a big deal, that I should have no qualms in sharing this, that that's a chickenshit way to deal with what's ultimately my complex (or whatever the term'd be). You want to read some of the crap I've written? Click the link under "Who Am I?" and from there, click on "Camelot." There you are. There's the insanity and stuff that I'm not necessarily proud came out of my mind. It's not everything, far from it. But it's a start. But I ask one thing: if you disapprove, don't let on. You know I love to write (and it's not all that dark, I promise - that's just what's been typed up) and I'd hate to have that poisoned too. But I will talk about it, 'cause I like talking it out. Works better than mental brainstorming, anyway.

Good God this is a downer.

Snow needs to bugger off.

Love ya, and thanks for putting up with me for eighteen years. You deserve a fecking metal.
Remus

PS I'd have signed with my name, but for the anonymity issue...My apologies for that.

Oh Jesus Christ Almighty, Do I Feel Alright, No - Not Slightly

I hate me.

Heat Wave, a Tropical Heat Wave...

A little bit of sun'll do a Michigander good.

Kendo was last night. Didn't go - no way in hell was I doing a hundred and twenty repititions with a headache. Oh no.

So instead I ventured to the library. I'd put a hold on the Sweeney Todd music book and wanted to go grab it before I forgot and it was put back on the shelf. While I was there, I browsed the movie section - we've got a pretty kick-ass movie collection. Good thing, because the nearest Blockbuster's Jackson. I picked up 2004's The Aviator. And I loved it. I'm sorry I missed this when it came out, 'cause now no one'll want to talk about it as much. Whatever. At least I saw it at all. I also realised something. I don't care what people say (rock and roll is here to stay) but I love Leonardo diCaprio. His acting ability kills me. Sorry LeoHaters, it does. I love it. End of story.

The ice is turning more to slush than ice! Lord be praised! 'Course, that means it'll probably freeze over night, but hey, it's melting right now. The melting also means it's warmer, all of sixteen degrees! Improvement from three.

It's summer in my rooooooom. I got this sweet candle at Bath and Body Works over break, and finally brought it back this weekend. Called "Sun and Sand." Smells like Coppertone Sunscreen! And when the scent gets stronger, it's like citronella! So it goes from Day At The Beach to Night 'Round The Fire! Amazing!!

Heat wave, a tropical heat wave...I need a life.

Why Can't I Write Like This for Class?

Playlist Title: Iago (as in the ancient)
1.) Another One Bites the Dust - Queen
2.) Stupid Girl - Cold (I promise, it makes sense. You just don't know it.)
3.) We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
4.) This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race - Fall Out Boy
5.) Burn - Three Days Grace
6.) Master of Puppets - Metallica
7.) The Pretender - Foo Fighters
8.) House of Wolves - My Chemical Romance
9.) Shameful - Atreyu
10.) I So Hate Consequences - Relient K
11.) You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us in Prison - My Chemical Romance

Now, I expect you'd fancy an explanation on most of these. Sorry, #2 is staying in my mind, don't even bother asking.

Another One Bites The Dust - I'm not sure if this is the reason I chose to include this song; however, it could be argued that this is how Iago feels about not getting his promotion, albeit a bit over the top. "You took me for everything that I had, and kicked me out on my own! Are you happy? Are you satisfied?...There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man and bring him to the ground - you can beat him, you can cheat him, you can treat him bad and leave him when he's down. But I'm ready. Yes, I'm ready for you." You took me down. Oh no. Bring it on, Othello. Bring it on.

We're Not Gonna Take It - Iago was passed over for a promotion, and he wasn't gonna take that lying down. There are few lines in this song that, to me, embody Iago. "You're so condescending, your gall is neverending." In my mind, he hates that Othello presumes nothing to be wrong. Of course, we all know that if Iago and Othello were as close as the former makes it out to be, he would realise, but...Anyway, it fit in my mind.

This Ain't a Scene... - The first line is "I am an arms dealer, fitting you with weapons in the form of words...And the lies I weave are oh so intricate." Iago manipulates words so well and so easily that this just seemed perfect. He also has this ability to - well - act. On the one hand, toward Roderigo, he hates the Moor, but as soon as anyone else happens upon them, he's loyal and "honest." As we, the readers and audience know, however, he has everyone duped. And the lies woven are so intricate that they cannot be unwoven until most parties involved are killed (or, in the case of Cassio, maimed).

Burn - "I'll tell you now - you can't win this...I won't let it show that I'm not always flying." While it doesn't end up happening, in Iago's mind, his plan is failsafe. He can't lose. Because of his duplicity, he cannot let his guard down and show his true colours ("wear his heart upon his sleeve," as he says in the first scene), nor does he care to. What good could be gained that way?

Master of Puppets - While I'm sure this speaks to your common sense, I'll explain it anyway. "I'm your source of self-destruction...Leading on your death's construction." Iago in a nutshell. He's the direct cause of Othello's downward spiral, and whether or not he planned it, he does indeed construct Othello's death.

The Pretender - I'm noticing a trend here...but the lyrics work as well as the title. Mostly this part: "I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear; I'm the face that you have to face mirrored in your stare; I'm what's left, I'm what's right - I'm the enemy; I'm the hand that will take you down, bring you to your knees." Again it could be directed toward both Othello and Cassio...poor bastards. They get the rotten end of the stick.

House of Wolves - One could argue that the lyrics of this song are written from Iago's point of view and directed at either Cassio or Othello. "You haven't got a prayer...Well I think I'm gonna burn in hell...Tell me I'm a bad man...It's a compliment, I swear..." In my mind, anyway, it lends itself to Iago's mental state.

Shameful - The title works well here, but this is my favourite part: " If you knew what I know, would you move like you do? With malicious discontent, you went about hell-bent to destroy - but did you have a reason why?" I love it. If Othello knew what Iago knew, which is that Desdemona is innocent, would he still try to catch her? No. While it's true he was acting under Iago's influence, he was still not being a very nice guy. And he was hellbent to destroy her without cause. I also love this bit: "Now, it's time to see what you don't mean to me."

I So Hate Consequences - "I got to get away...I so hate consequences, and running from you is what my best defense is...Don’t make me face up to this." In my mind, Iago was hoping to get off scott-free from all of this. He didn't get a promotion, so he was determined to take down as many people as possible. And when he gets caught, well... "It just now hit me this is more than just a set back." He's fucked.

You Know... - There's no skirting the issue - this song is about prison rape. While there are no specific lyrics in this one to apply directly to Iago or his motives, we know that Iago likely ends up in prison. Considering his decent standing in the military, chances are that he's responsible for more than one or two of the inmates' incarcerations. Chances are they aren't too thrilled about that. Chances are, they want some semblance of revenge.

Well...there it is.

A Nifty Playlist I Made Last Night.

1.) Rasputin - Boney M
2.) The Worst Pies in London - Angela Lansbury (Stephen Sondheim)
3.) The Adventure - Angels and Airwaves
4.) Wagamama Koushinkyouku - An Cafe
5.) The Legend of Zelda Theme - Apocalyptica
6.) Hall of the Mountain King - Apocalyptica
7.) Epiphany - Len Cariou (Stephen Sondheim)
8.) Spice Up Your Life - Spice Girls
9.) Tribute - Tenacious D
10.) Jambi - Tool
11.) Do You Wanna Dance? - Beach Boys
12.) Barbara Ann - Beach Boys
13.) Sing Sing Sing - Benny Goodman
14.) December 1963 - Billy Joel
15.) Hate Me - Blue October
16.) Everytime We Touch - Cascada
17.) Cat's in the Cradle - Cat Stevens
18.) Clocks - Coldplay

...

Yeah. I think I was drunk, too.