I Should Be Studying Kanji.

Dear Mom:

I feel like there are some things that need to be said.

You mentioned the other night (or whenever it was, it was fairly recently) that my style has changed dramatically over the past few years. I've been churning this over mentally, and come to the conclusion that that's not entirely correct. Yes, I have gone more for black, for red eyeliner, for Hot Topic, for louder music, for heavier music, just since sophomore year. Seems like a dramatic change just from my freshman year of high school, eh? Not really. Sure, I've changed my outward style. But I've always been this way on the inside. It's only been recently that I've grown the balls to let that style be known. The attitude, the immaturity, the darkness...it's all been there this whole time. I was just too afraid of what the world (and you) would say, would think. While I come off (hopefully) as nonchalant or uncaring when someone openly disapproves, it hits deep. Anytime I do something that I know someone disapproves of, all I can think is, I hope I don't see them while I'm like this. It stays with me. For years, and even now, I've been afraid of that. Why don't I share half the thoughts that go through my brain? Why don't I share details of conversations I've had? Why don't I share the stuff I've written? Why didn't I let on when I started listening to WRIF? I was afraid you'd disapprove. The first time we ventured into Hot Topic, I probably seemed a little tense, or uncomfortable. That was more because I was afraid of what your reaction to the store was than what was in it. I felt perfectly at home. (Well, perhaps perfectly isn't the right word, but you get my point.) Now, however, I see that that fear was misplaced. (Is that the right word?) And that's allowed my metaphorical balls to grow and become what they are today - bigger than most men. At least I'd like to think so.

Another random tidbit. (We're going into debt so I can have some quality introspective time, you'll notice.) You've been right for years. Really. About (almost) everything. I'm just a prideful dorkwad who won't admit when she's wrong. But we knew that. I've known you were right. So it's not some big revelation that every person has when they get to college, or after for some people. I just figured I should share this and explain.

And now for an exercise in trust. It's nothing to do with you, I promise. I'm about to send you the link to this on AIM. I realise that that shouldn't be a big deal, that I should have no qualms in sharing this, that that's a chickenshit way to deal with what's ultimately my complex (or whatever the term'd be). You want to read some of the crap I've written? Click the link under "Who Am I?" and from there, click on "Camelot." There you are. There's the insanity and stuff that I'm not necessarily proud came out of my mind. It's not everything, far from it. But it's a start. But I ask one thing: if you disapprove, don't let on. You know I love to write (and it's not all that dark, I promise - that's just what's been typed up) and I'd hate to have that poisoned too. But I will talk about it, 'cause I like talking it out. Works better than mental brainstorming, anyway.

Good God this is a downer.

Snow needs to bugger off.

Love ya, and thanks for putting up with me for eighteen years. You deserve a fecking metal.
Remus

PS I'd have signed with my name, but for the anonymity issue...My apologies for that.