Isn't that just what you wanted to read this fine noontime.
Anyhoodles, I just figured I'd post something happy. This blog somehow got bogged down with all me emoness. (Yes, emoness is a word. Well, it is now.) I hope to remedy that, at least temporarily.
Well...that's all I've got. Heh. And you foolish people were expecting more. Tsk, tsk. Silly people.
15.10.07
Cursive, If You Count "Freestyle Script" As Cursive...
Basically, this is me going off about whatever I fancy. I originally started typing in an attempt to write a story, but it all came out as follows. And actually, it's subject to change as I plan to continue working on it.
=====================
I’ve got this insane urge to write. It’d be friggin’ amazing if, for once, when I felt like this, if I knew what to write. I hate feeling like this. All I want to do is put pen to paper and let the ink flow. But can it ever be that easy? Of course not! God forbid anything be simple! I suppose it makes sense, though, because life in general isn’t exactly simple. But still. Why can’t it be? Maybe I can write a story line for my little green army men. I bought a fifty-pack at Target the last time I was home. They were only a dollar, so why not? I think they’ll be arranged on my shelf, the one above my dresser. It’s reasonably empty now. Well, it’s only empty because I thought about putting them there. But actually arranging them is proving to be a pain in the ass! There’s about ten guys shooting bazookas, and that’s eight too many. There’s an overabundance of guys talking to each other on walkie talkies, and only one guy hailing another with binoculars. One guy is lunging, some are shooting, two or three are chucking grenades. Now let’s be honest. If our military operated like that, it would fail. Oh wait. It does. Never mind. Ever wanted to live in a movie? I have. In just about every movie I’ve ever seen. But as of right now, mostly Back to the Future, any part. I think it’d be fun to be like “kid sidekick” to any of the characters in any movie. I mean, how different would Back to the Future (the original) have turned out if Marty had had a sidekick his age from his time? What would have occurred? Perhaps I should think on this some more and write it. Or in part three, how would it change? Add to the mix that the sidekick would have been a tomboy. In all the parts this would have been interesting. She’d be expected to wear a dress or skirt in the fifties, and a long dress in 1885. That would kill me! I’d rather run around in jeans and a leather jacket, or a suit and hat. Women have always been gyped out of cool outfits in history. Even now I wonder about them. I also wonder why guys who dress as girls are called transvestites, but girls who dress like guys are just normal? Why can’t guys dress like girls if they want? Is it that whole macho thing? If so, that’s pretty lame. Guys need to get the hell over themselves and be who they are, never mind what other guys think. Guys are always going on about how they don’t understand why girls can be such bitches, but in reality they’re the same way! They’re such hypocrites. Speaking of guys and girls, what is love? No, really. What is it? Why do we feel the way we do? How can we feel such an attraction to people we’ve never seen before? Even people we don’t think we have anything in common with, how do we grow to love them? I genuinely want to know. I know that physically it’s to do with hormones, but what about mentally, emotionally? Is it true that if we become attached to someone sexually, we somehow build up in our minds that they’re the only one for us and no one else will do? How can we be that restrictive? I truly don’t understand. Going back to the movie thing, how fun would it be to live in a video game? Maybe not “fun” for such games as Halo or the arcade games of James Bond, but how thoroughly amusing would that be? Run around shooting people and grappling…or what about Zelda? That would be incredible, especially Twilight Princess, run around, then change into a wolf, use your cohort’s hair to dispatch an enemy, or ride a horse through the fields of Hyrule and take enemies out even as you run away. How cool would that be? Speaking of video games though, it is such a pain in the ass to watch someone who’s playing for the first time. They look around randomly, and someone who’s seasoned in the game watches, completely bewildered. Or they just stand there, don’t zoom in or anything, and you want to yell “Move already! Standing there does no good! What the hell are you waiting for!?” It’s rather annoying. I drew a superhero a few weeks ago. I think I drew a variant of him back when I first started drawing these guys. All I know for sure is that I called a lot of them “Spike.” I need some new names I reckon. And I wish I could remember how we drew the hands, because those hands are very sorry looking. I think maybe we just drew simple boxes as fists. I don’t remember. As for the boots, I know I drew boots like that before. I also wish I could remember how we did the mouths. Maybe they were just straight lines? I might have to ask Jeff, because I simply can’t remember. Maybe I should get my memory checked, because it’s pretty bad. Considering how bad my memory is, it’s amazing that I have déjà vu so much. I love Japan. It’s that simple. I love learning the language and learning about the culture. I want to go to Japan for at least a semester, if not more. I’m studying it with Mary, she’s in my class. But I get the distinct feeling that she’ll end up doing better on tests, she’ll get the hang of it sooner, she’ll remember all the hiragana and katakana no matter what, she’ll correct me on grammar and vocabulary, she’ll somehow get the money to go before me. I’ve got this giant passion about it but I feel like I’ll never get to do anything with it while she goes off and manages to make a career of it or something. It seems to me that if it hadn’t been for me, she wouldn’t have gotten into manga or Japanese culture or anything, and yet here she is probably getting ahead of me. It’s like that with My Chemical Romance too. She’d heard them before I got her obsessed, sure. But then I came along and she basically can’t get them out of her mind. I told her that Gerard was married and she almost burst out crying. Good Lord woman, you really expected to meet him and he’d fall madly in love with you? Are you insane? Because I think you are! Besides, I saw him first! I’m very possessive. And if anyone – anyone, even my best friend – gets in the way of that…it’s not especially pretty. I hate myself for it, but still…it all pisses me off. Why can’t I get any of this shit for once? I always feel like I’m being gyped out of everything I want to do. I hate that feeling, it’ll really make a person bitter. As childish as it likely sounds, it makes me want to just give up and cry. I don’t know what else to do about it except blog and write. It basically sucks. I need to stop before I really do start crying. I thought about it again last night. We were talking about South Dakota, and Mary really wanted to go out there if she ever got the chance. And immediately I didn’t want her to go. I mean, I thought it’d be great if we all went, but can’t I, for once, go somewhere or do something that only I have done in my circle of friends? Why does everything have to be a shared experience? I want something to just be mine, I want my South Dakota vacation to just be mine and mine alone. I know it’s selfish, but if we all do the same thing we won’t have anything to talk about, and I won’t have any reason to feel special. I’ve never really felt “special,” like different. I want that for once. I don’t want to simply be different. I want to actually feel that. Urgh. Life is so frustrating. Well this sucks. I’m importing CDs into my comp, and one of them is a volume of Beach Boys hits. Well, me being me, I started playing “God Only Knows” because it makes me think of loveactually. Apparently it makes me think of something else too, because for the first time through the song, I felt like I was having a panic attack. How lame is that? I don’t know why, just that Brandon, came to mind, and then the panic attackness came on. What could that possibly mean…? Hopefully nothing bad. Perhaps that I ‘m just excited (more than is necessary) to see him in a bit, when he comes to get me for Frisbee? I don’t know. But why would “God Only Knows” bring him to mind? Man I piss me off. On an unrelated topic, this, when posted, will probably be the most ADD blog I’ll have posted ever in life. And I’ve posted some ADD shit in my time. Ah well. ‘Tis the beauty of me. Ok, perhaps it’s not beauty, but you get my drift.
=====================
I’ve got this insane urge to write. It’d be friggin’ amazing if, for once, when I felt like this, if I knew what to write. I hate feeling like this. All I want to do is put pen to paper and let the ink flow. But can it ever be that easy? Of course not! God forbid anything be simple! I suppose it makes sense, though, because life in general isn’t exactly simple. But still. Why can’t it be? Maybe I can write a story line for my little green army men. I bought a fifty-pack at Target the last time I was home. They were only a dollar, so why not? I think they’ll be arranged on my shelf, the one above my dresser. It’s reasonably empty now. Well, it’s only empty because I thought about putting them there. But actually arranging them is proving to be a pain in the ass! There’s about ten guys shooting bazookas, and that’s eight too many. There’s an overabundance of guys talking to each other on walkie talkies, and only one guy hailing another with binoculars. One guy is lunging, some are shooting, two or three are chucking grenades. Now let’s be honest. If our military operated like that, it would fail. Oh wait. It does. Never mind. Ever wanted to live in a movie? I have. In just about every movie I’ve ever seen. But as of right now, mostly Back to the Future, any part. I think it’d be fun to be like “kid sidekick” to any of the characters in any movie. I mean, how different would Back to the Future (the original) have turned out if Marty had had a sidekick his age from his time? What would have occurred? Perhaps I should think on this some more and write it. Or in part three, how would it change? Add to the mix that the sidekick would have been a tomboy. In all the parts this would have been interesting. She’d be expected to wear a dress or skirt in the fifties, and a long dress in 1885. That would kill me! I’d rather run around in jeans and a leather jacket, or a suit and hat. Women have always been gyped out of cool outfits in history. Even now I wonder about them. I also wonder why guys who dress as girls are called transvestites, but girls who dress like guys are just normal? Why can’t guys dress like girls if they want? Is it that whole macho thing? If so, that’s pretty lame. Guys need to get the hell over themselves and be who they are, never mind what other guys think. Guys are always going on about how they don’t understand why girls can be such bitches, but in reality they’re the same way! They’re such hypocrites. Speaking of guys and girls, what is love? No, really. What is it? Why do we feel the way we do? How can we feel such an attraction to people we’ve never seen before? Even people we don’t think we have anything in common with, how do we grow to love them? I genuinely want to know. I know that physically it’s to do with hormones, but what about mentally, emotionally? Is it true that if we become attached to someone sexually, we somehow build up in our minds that they’re the only one for us and no one else will do? How can we be that restrictive? I truly don’t understand. Going back to the movie thing, how fun would it be to live in a video game? Maybe not “fun” for such games as Halo or the arcade games of James Bond, but how thoroughly amusing would that be? Run around shooting people and grappling…or what about Zelda? That would be incredible, especially Twilight Princess, run around, then change into a wolf, use your cohort’s hair to dispatch an enemy, or ride a horse through the fields of Hyrule and take enemies out even as you run away. How cool would that be? Speaking of video games though, it is such a pain in the ass to watch someone who’s playing for the first time. They look around randomly, and someone who’s seasoned in the game watches, completely bewildered. Or they just stand there, don’t zoom in or anything, and you want to yell “Move already! Standing there does no good! What the hell are you waiting for!?” It’s rather annoying. I drew a superhero a few weeks ago. I think I drew a variant of him back when I first started drawing these guys. All I know for sure is that I called a lot of them “Spike.” I need some new names I reckon. And I wish I could remember how we drew the hands, because those hands are very sorry looking. I think maybe we just drew simple boxes as fists. I don’t remember. As for the boots, I know I drew boots like that before. I also wish I could remember how we did the mouths. Maybe they were just straight lines? I might have to ask Jeff, because I simply can’t remember. Maybe I should get my memory checked, because it’s pretty bad. Considering how bad my memory is, it’s amazing that I have déjà vu so much. I love Japan. It’s that simple. I love learning the language and learning about the culture. I want to go to Japan for at least a semester, if not more. I’m studying it with Mary, she’s in my class. But I get the distinct feeling that she’ll end up doing better on tests, she’ll get the hang of it sooner, she’ll remember all the hiragana and katakana no matter what, she’ll correct me on grammar and vocabulary, she’ll somehow get the money to go before me. I’ve got this giant passion about it but I feel like I’ll never get to do anything with it while she goes off and manages to make a career of it or something. It seems to me that if it hadn’t been for me, she wouldn’t have gotten into manga or Japanese culture or anything, and yet here she is probably getting ahead of me. It’s like that with My Chemical Romance too. She’d heard them before I got her obsessed, sure. But then I came along and she basically can’t get them out of her mind. I told her that Gerard was married and she almost burst out crying. Good Lord woman, you really expected to meet him and he’d fall madly in love with you? Are you insane? Because I think you are! Besides, I saw him first! I’m very possessive. And if anyone – anyone, even my best friend – gets in the way of that…it’s not especially pretty. I hate myself for it, but still…it all pisses me off. Why can’t I get any of this shit for once? I always feel like I’m being gyped out of everything I want to do. I hate that feeling, it’ll really make a person bitter. As childish as it likely sounds, it makes me want to just give up and cry. I don’t know what else to do about it except blog and write. It basically sucks. I need to stop before I really do start crying. I thought about it again last night. We were talking about South Dakota, and Mary really wanted to go out there if she ever got the chance. And immediately I didn’t want her to go. I mean, I thought it’d be great if we all went, but can’t I, for once, go somewhere or do something that only I have done in my circle of friends? Why does everything have to be a shared experience? I want something to just be mine, I want my South Dakota vacation to just be mine and mine alone. I know it’s selfish, but if we all do the same thing we won’t have anything to talk about, and I won’t have any reason to feel special. I’ve never really felt “special,” like different. I want that for once. I don’t want to simply be different. I want to actually feel that. Urgh. Life is so frustrating. Well this sucks. I’m importing CDs into my comp, and one of them is a volume of Beach Boys hits. Well, me being me, I started playing “God Only Knows” because it makes me think of loveactually. Apparently it makes me think of something else too, because for the first time through the song, I felt like I was having a panic attack. How lame is that? I don’t know why, just that Brandon, came to mind, and then the panic attackness came on. What could that possibly mean…? Hopefully nothing bad. Perhaps that I ‘m just excited (more than is necessary) to see him in a bit, when he comes to get me for Frisbee? I don’t know. But why would “God Only Knows” bring him to mind? Man I piss me off. On an unrelated topic, this, when posted, will probably be the most ADD blog I’ll have posted ever in life. And I’ve posted some ADD shit in my time. Ah well. ‘Tis the beauty of me. Ok, perhaps it’s not beauty, but you get my drift.
17.9.07
Still No Cursive. Ah Well.
Back to Brandon.
Apparently I'm not truly over him. I've noticed it before, but tried to ignore it. I still love the guy. A lot. Man I suck. I kept thinking about him Saturday night (I got left to my thoughts - that's bad), and it was pretty pathetic. Then I dreamt about him last night. We were at church, and I knew he was coming, so I kept watching for him. Well, I finally found him. Sitting next to Martha. I know I say a lot that if that's the way he chooses to go, c'est la vie. I think I could deal...not happily, but I could live. Which I guess says something about me...though I'm not sure what.
This is a pretty lame entry. It could have been better except for the part where I have class in ten minutes. Urgh.
Hopefully I'll be fully engaged in class! If not...yikes.
Apparently I'm not truly over him. I've noticed it before, but tried to ignore it. I still love the guy. A lot. Man I suck. I kept thinking about him Saturday night (I got left to my thoughts - that's bad), and it was pretty pathetic. Then I dreamt about him last night. We were at church, and I knew he was coming, so I kept watching for him. Well, I finally found him. Sitting next to Martha. I know I say a lot that if that's the way he chooses to go, c'est la vie. I think I could deal...not happily, but I could live. Which I guess says something about me...though I'm not sure what.
This is a pretty lame entry. It could have been better except for the part where I have class in ten minutes. Urgh.
Hopefully I'll be fully engaged in class! If not...yikes.
4.7.07
*Cursive Not Included.
So. Brandon.
After some consideration, thought, and conversation, I declare myself perfectly happy with remaining friends -- and nothing more. Knowing both his reasons and mine, they're really very similar in places, so I figure it'd be for the best.
Whoo! I can move on! Man, I'm lame. I was really holding out, too. But now I don't have to. Now I can see whomever I want and not worry about what I may have missed, because now I'm not missing anything.
Peace out from the basket case.
After some consideration, thought, and conversation, I declare myself perfectly happy with remaining friends -- and nothing more. Knowing both his reasons and mine, they're really very similar in places, so I figure it'd be for the best.
Whoo! I can move on! Man, I'm lame. I was really holding out, too. But now I don't have to. Now I can see whomever I want and not worry about what I may have missed, because now I'm not missing anything.
Peace out from the basket case.
3.7.07
More Cursive!
Mmkay. So. Gaby.
Earlier today, watching Mary and Nick play NightFire, they were in the Snow Blind (naturally), and there're these two caverns in there, with armor, ammo, and slight shelter. They're slightly maze-like, and only have one exit. As I watched Nick beat Mary's ass, she kept respawning in one of the caverns, and she could barely ever get out before Nick found her and shot her again. Through the entire game, I'd commented how creepy it'd be fore the three of us to really be running around there shooting each other -- creepy because I can hear Nick's psychotic laughter every time he fires a shot. The more I thought about that aspect, the more I thought of the caverns, and the creepier it became. I kept joking about Mary getting lost in there, but I really would get lost in there, no problem. That scared me. Not even creeped me out, it really scared me. Put it all together -- Nick with a Golden Gun and no injuries, me with the standard-issue PP7; Nick knowing exactly where I am, me lost in a cavern; me hobbling around with several bulletholes and little stamina left. He'd come right after me, I'd run frantically trying to get armor and another weapon, then get lost because I didn't know which of the caverns I was in, and just as I'd find the exit, he'd be coming in with his fully-loaded Golden Gun pointed in my face. I'd run backwards, fumbling for my Delta Repeater (which I'd have picked up in my frantic running), he'd watch me, I'd pull it out at last, just get it aimed, and he'd blast me in the head with a Golden Bullet. Then it'd start all over again, because I'd respawn, and the hunt would begin. He'd find me, and then I'd be gone again. As this occurred to me, I actually wanted to stop watching them play when they ended up in the caverns, just because I couldn't gt the thought out of my mind...and the fear of the circumstance out of my gut. It was almost like a coming panic attack, so I asked for paper, because lately, if I write it down I can pre-empt it. But to no avail. So I quit watching for a while, until I felt better.
Then, a couple hours ago, Mary and I left Nick's and ended up at Meijer so I could get a new pair of flip-flops. As we were coming out, in the place between the two doors, I got a huge whiff of alcohol, mostly beer. I almost stopped, but my head snapped up (I watch the floor when I walk) and looked both ways for Dave. I only found the Bottle Return. But my first thought was Dave -- I smell alcohol (kind of) a lot, and I like it and I love the taste, but I don't think I've ever smelt it and immediately thought Dave before. so that got me thinking. I don't realise it, apparently, but I'm far too vested in Gaby's story for my own good. I didn't realise hwo easily it pops up until tonight, and it both scared me and got me thinking. Scared because it means I'm uber paranoid and don't realise how much I live in the story. Pensive because it's got to mean that there's something in my past that I don't know about, be it abuse to me by an alcoholic someone, or to someone I loved deeply so I've blocked it out, or it could have been me in a past life that's trying to resurface (perhaps because my soul recognises the abusive soul, and that soul is in one of my friends, and it's trying to warn me but can't be explicit...??). I don't know. All I know is I almost wish I hadn't met Gaby four years ago. If I hadn't done, I wouldn't have so many problems, nor would I be writing this novel. I'm almost afraid to write any more of the story, simply because I haven't looked at it in over a month, and yet the smallest thing brings it to mind -- not as a story, mind you, but in recall; like you know how someone can block something mentally completely, but with the right trigger can go into total recall? That's what I feel's happening everytime something triggers Gaby. Hm. I really want to know, so I can do something about it if I am...and yet, I'm afraid of what I might learn. I'm afraid there really will be something, and if there is, I'm not sure I want to know.
Earlier today, watching Mary and Nick play NightFire, they were in the Snow Blind (naturally), and there're these two caverns in there, with armor, ammo, and slight shelter. They're slightly maze-like, and only have one exit. As I watched Nick beat Mary's ass, she kept respawning in one of the caverns, and she could barely ever get out before Nick found her and shot her again. Through the entire game, I'd commented how creepy it'd be fore the three of us to really be running around there shooting each other -- creepy because I can hear Nick's psychotic laughter every time he fires a shot. The more I thought about that aspect, the more I thought of the caverns, and the creepier it became. I kept joking about Mary getting lost in there, but I really would get lost in there, no problem. That scared me. Not even creeped me out, it really scared me. Put it all together -- Nick with a Golden Gun and no injuries, me with the standard-issue PP7; Nick knowing exactly where I am, me lost in a cavern; me hobbling around with several bulletholes and little stamina left. He'd come right after me, I'd run frantically trying to get armor and another weapon, then get lost because I didn't know which of the caverns I was in, and just as I'd find the exit, he'd be coming in with his fully-loaded Golden Gun pointed in my face. I'd run backwards, fumbling for my Delta Repeater (which I'd have picked up in my frantic running), he'd watch me, I'd pull it out at last, just get it aimed, and he'd blast me in the head with a Golden Bullet. Then it'd start all over again, because I'd respawn, and the hunt would begin. He'd find me, and then I'd be gone again. As this occurred to me, I actually wanted to stop watching them play when they ended up in the caverns, just because I couldn't gt the thought out of my mind...and the fear of the circumstance out of my gut. It was almost like a coming panic attack, so I asked for paper, because lately, if I write it down I can pre-empt it. But to no avail. So I quit watching for a while, until I felt better.
Then, a couple hours ago, Mary and I left Nick's and ended up at Meijer so I could get a new pair of flip-flops. As we were coming out, in the place between the two doors, I got a huge whiff of alcohol, mostly beer. I almost stopped, but my head snapped up (I watch the floor when I walk) and looked both ways for Dave. I only found the Bottle Return. But my first thought was Dave -- I smell alcohol (kind of) a lot, and I like it and I love the taste, but I don't think I've ever smelt it and immediately thought Dave before. so that got me thinking. I don't realise it, apparently, but I'm far too vested in Gaby's story for my own good. I didn't realise hwo easily it pops up until tonight, and it both scared me and got me thinking. Scared because it means I'm uber paranoid and don't realise how much I live in the story. Pensive because it's got to mean that there's something in my past that I don't know about, be it abuse to me by an alcoholic someone, or to someone I loved deeply so I've blocked it out, or it could have been me in a past life that's trying to resurface (perhaps because my soul recognises the abusive soul, and that soul is in one of my friends, and it's trying to warn me but can't be explicit...??). I don't know. All I know is I almost wish I hadn't met Gaby four years ago. If I hadn't done, I wouldn't have so many problems, nor would I be writing this novel. I'm almost afraid to write any more of the story, simply because I haven't looked at it in over a month, and yet the smallest thing brings it to mind -- not as a story, mind you, but in recall; like you know how someone can block something mentally completely, but with the right trigger can go into total recall? That's what I feel's happening everytime something triggers Gaby. Hm. I really want to know, so I can do something about it if I am...and yet, I'm afraid of what I might learn. I'm afraid there really will be something, and if there is, I'm not sure I want to know.
I Fail at Cursive.
Ok. So.
Reasons I like Brandon:
- nice
- sweet
- said yes to prom
- would be willing to go out with me
- family likes him
Reasons I don't like Brandon:
- flirt
- neither Alexis, Mary, nor Nick are too keen on him as a boyfriend
- cheated on Jordan three times over the course of two years...
- I say I do, but I'm not sure I really trust him
God. I hate me. I love him so much I'd rather see him with someone else then with me if it'd make him happy (even Martha, believe it or not). And I should probably trust him, I think I can. But I'm not sure, I keep second-guessing myself, and I hate that. He tellse me I can trust him, but I keep thinking about how he cheated on Jordan so many times in the course of so little time. I don't want to let him go at all, either -- if nothing else, I want to stay friends with him. I mean, he's not my best friend, I've already got two of those, but he's still a good friend, considering I know a lot of his shit. The more I talk to him, and the more I think about it, the more I think he's right: he's not a good first boyfriend for me. I don't know why -- I should message him about that. I'd like to know his reasons for thinking taht. Granted, I don't know mine, but I'd like to know his. I hate being like this, it makes me feel obsessed, adn after a while I hate consulting even my best friends becaseu I neither want to bore them, nor have them get tired of me talking about it. I don't know. Help!
Oh. And I was just thinking that your dad's a creeper.
*runs away*
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