It's my blog, deal with it

After all the whinging I do around here, you must think I don't mean it. Clearly she doesn't want to change, since she hasn't yet. She keeps carrying on about it, but nothing ever happens.

I want to, mates. I need to. Every time I do something stupid and it comes around to kick me in the ass, the feeling of failure hits lower and lower, the bottom of my stomach falls further and further. Even now my heart is in my throat. I feel like I've been clamoring out of the hole I'm in, but haven't realised that I'm not making progress, only digging away further at the bottom. Maybe I think I'll find more success that way - I don't know. Clearly I don't. I want to succeed, I genuinely do. Not only will I feel better about myself, I'll actually enjoy life. It won't be this horrible, arduous task that I have no choice but to muddle through.

Now that I've left this entry for twenty minutes to calm down a bit, I've developed the beginnings of a plan for success next year. I'll be living in a house, so there will be a couple more options of places to go without actually leaving. Also, over summer (as I hopefully take classes at a local college) I'll work on committing to success and keeping that goal in the forefront of my mind. I think I'll see about looking up motivators (since I've yet to find any that actually work).

Whatever needs to click hasn't clicked yet. It'll be really great when it does. My feet are getting heavy with lead from all the times I've metaphorically shot myself. Time for yet another new mantra...

I will do it next semester. I will achieve academic success. I will. I will. I will. Hell.

I must.

平和

Remus