this is strange...

I feel...: pensive
Jammin' to: none, for once in my life
I feel like updating, but I don't know why. Something keeps telling me, "Write in your journal...write in your journal..." so I'm like, "Why? There's nothing I would put there that I haven't already said," but I got tired of the voices, so I poked them with a Q-tip and surrendered. So I'm just gonna write till my heart's content.
Um...just downloading spyware, trying to get my compy to work faster...but technology hates me, so it just said that a required file could not be found, and it stopped...my MCR obsession has slowed a bit, but I really think my life's changed for the better having re-discovered them...speaking of life changing for the better, my friend from camp said that if he had the chance he'd like to go out with me -- i've been on cloud nine ever since...except when i returned to my normal cloud negative three...i really like this guy, i can't even explain it, and i'm gonna feel horrible if i find out later that he read this entry...i hate embarassment, but doesn't everyone? it's terrible...but i can't help feeling like i'm due for a miracle i'm waiting for a sign and i'll stare straight into the sun and i won't close my eyes till i understand or go blind...it's amazing how music can be such an outlet, how it can take all your emotion and just kind of siphon it out of you, then release it into the void so you never have to deal with it again, that's what i like about loud rock music, strange coming from an introvert but there you are...i don't wanna be in love, i wanna be in love in a movie...why do fools fall in love?...why are all the best guys taken?...why do teenagers hate their parents?...why do people feel better when we talk about stuff?...why do we have to share every little thing that happens in our existence with each other?...why does technology hate me?...i still don't know why the voices are telling me to update, but they haven't shut up yet either...why do we have little voices in our heads that tell us what to do? i mean, what is that? and how can we hear our thoughts?...why do human beings need each other so much? why do we crave friendships and relationships? how can we be so different? how can we hate each other so much? how can we inflict the pain that we do?...why am i flushed right now? i can feel the heat filling my face...why do our feelings embarass us? like why do we want a relationship with someone so bad that we feel like we'll just explode if we don't get it, and then when the someone finds out about our desires we'd love nothing more than to disappear because of our embarassment?...how can one little person, sitting at home with a compy in her lap that hates her, put so many questions into the void at one time?...why do i like the guy in iowa? why?? if you figure it out lemme know, i've been trying to figure it out for a long time...why are we afraid of bugs? we really are, there was a bee in our math class and we were all cowering from it every time it came close. i mean, it's just a bee! a little one-inch long lifeform, what is there to be afraid of?...has anyone figured out why i'm blushing yet? no? keep working on it please...why do i want to go to france so bad? that's another thing i want so bad it hurts, can't i just hide in jacqueline's suitcase?...why does the human race give a handful of people total control over every little aspect of their lives? only a small percentage tell us what to do, how to do it, why we should, what happens if we don't do it their way, i mean why is that? it's like the bon jovi song says: it's my life it's now or never i ain't gonna live forever...how can niagara falls make itself stop? yeah, i know about erosion and stuff, but if it keeps receding it shouldn't stop, it should just keep falling, right?...why are cats so cute? and loyal? and why don't they like dogs? and vice versa?...why can't we give cats human food? why is that such a big deal?...who had so much time on their hands to figure out that two plus two equaled four? why did they care so much? and why does it equal four?...why is education important? again, it all comes back to that handful of people. and why does that same handful get to decide what's cool? if something's cool to you, who cares what everyone else thinks?...who sat there and named everything? "i think this is a shoe, and that's a sock..." i mean honestly...who decided that such a natural thing as sex was bad?...why are men from mars and women from venus? why aren't we from mars instead?...why to men think women are weak and not their equal? if anything, we're better than they are...do advertising companies think the public is stupid?...how did we elect someone to the presidency that can't speak english?...why is the dark side of human nature shunned, frowned upon? like if someone has some strange fascination with violence against weaker human beings, she can't talk about it for fear of what others will think of her? she can't even tell her counselor at school for fear of judgement...why do we women think that british and australian and scottish and irish accents are sexy?...why do we have to be politically correct? why don't people just get a sense of humor and get over it?...why do have incredible respect for actors who can convey amazing emotion? like in phantom of the opera, i gained an incredible respect for gerard butler just because he can convincingly convey a tortured soul with a torturedpast...why do the good die young?...why are chicken noodles so good?...how have we become our own worst enemy?...why is the sky blue? why not call the same color green or purple or orange?...why have i, increasingly recently, wanted to get into a fight with someone? i guess i just need to let off some steam or something...why do opposites attract?...why does abuse of any kind fascinate me?...how can the human mind think so many things at one time?...who decides what beautiful is?...why do we get deja vu? and what does it suggest? are we all psychics and don't know it? do we dream of how our lives will go when we're still in the womb, and so every once in a while we remember a part of the dream because it's happening?...how can edgar degas -- who lived a hundred years ago -- look like my crush in iowa? their faces are almost exactly the same, except mr iowa's nose isn't as long...why do i like guys with long hair? so much so that when i find out they've got it cut, i get all pissed at them? what the hell? it'll grow back eventually...who decides what's crazy? if you get right down to it, aren't we all a little crazy? and add?...why do we need entertainment? be it music, books, movies, tv shows, plays, musicals...why do we have to eat other living things to survive?...why do we feel the need to destroy everything in our path? and everyone?...who decides what's important in life? shouldn't we be able to decide that by ourselves, based on our feelings and personalities?...why do we let pain get to us? why does it affect our judgement like it does?...who had enough time on their hands to pull some leaves off a plant, break them up, let them stew in water, and drink it and yell "i've created tea!"? and who pulled a leaf off a marajuana plant and said "i wonder what will happen if i set fire to this, stick it in my mouth, and inhale?" or "let's see if we add sugar to this stuff coming out of the tree tastes good on pancakes?" who honestly has that much time?...i think i asked this already, but i don't care: how can humans be so attached to each other? how can they have such strong feelings for a fellow human being that they know no other way to express it but to cry? and why is it so embarassing to show how we truly feel? is it that whole judgement thing again? why do we feel scared? considering we have nothing to fear except fear itself, it's a pretty lame emotion...and why haven't i figured out why i wanted to update? at least, i don't think i've figured it out...
This is ridiculous.
I need some rest now.
Peace homies.
That is all.
Remus