I think I've had a breakthrough...

I feel...: dorky
Jammin' to: Linkin Park *Numb*
Yeah, just a little one though...not really a breakthrough, come to that...just a realisation really...
Anywho, here we go...
So I realised today, in the Concert Choir final, that despite my low self-esteem and opinion of myself (and everyone else's), I realised that maybe I'm not half so hated or disliked as I thought I was. I mean, I just assumed that everyone hated me. But then, for my CC final, I started with, "Well, I'm [Remus] and I'll be doing My Chemical Romance's 'Drowning Lessons.' And I know that I'm not supposed to do this but I apologise -- I've got a cold for like the millionth time this year and I have no idea what I'm gonna sound like, so bear with me." All silent. So Doyle starts the song, and I start singing (pleasantly surprised but not that it's in my head voice, I mean it didn't sound too bad to me, but I'd practised in mixed and I'd liked how it sounded). So I forget some of the words in the bridge kinda thing and get all embarassed but I remembered what came next so it was all good. So after the last "Without a sound, and I wish you away," I'm like, "K, that's basically it, it just fades at this point," so as he's turning it off, the class started clapping and doing those strange wooooo things girls do (it's an all-girls choir, did I mention that?) and I just kinda was like to myself, "Okay then, that's kinda weird," and to Doyle I was like, "That was the longest four minutes of my life," and he just laughed and said, "You did good," and I was like again to myself, "K, this is really weird...they're clapping and woooooing like I never woulda guessed or expected, and Doyle's giving me a compliment...alrighty then," and it was kinda cool. I just didn't expect it, and if you were there and are reading this *cough*Meddy*cough*, here's my little disclaimer thing:
Um, yeah, this probably sounds all stuck up, like, "Yay me! I got applause! All love me!" but it's not meant that way, not at all. It's meant to be an honest...I dunno, there's a word for it...kinda like just a little thing to say, "Hey, this little thing you lot did meant a lot to me, thank you, and my self-esteem thanks you too." That kind of thing, like a thank-you note thing. Also something that needs to be included in this little disclaimer is that my imagination may have changed something(s). I honestly don't know -- how could I, come to that, know whatever (if any) embellishment my imagination's added is all that I remember? My memory sucks anyway, so who knows? Well, if you were there, feel free to comment and set me straight, I'd appreciate that too. Even if it means I've totally deluded myself (always a possibility with me) go for it...either way, I'd rather remember the truth than this fun little uplifting (on my part anyway) anecdote.
K, so that's it. I'm done now. Kinda sad, that it's taken me an hour to type all this. But then, I was watching "Notting Hill," at the same time, so I guess it kinda makes sense. Just kinda though.
Peace
Remus

What a Load of Shite.

I feel...: sick, but not puking like him
Jammin' to: *How Merrily We Live* [it's a madrigal]
K, well, time for une autre update (I'm so glad I figured out the markups for this).
This is just to explain my "interests" thing in my bio...yes I know that it seems that I feel that every little thing I do requires an explanation...
So, to business. MCR...well k that's flipping obvious. AFI...that is too. You've Got Mail...that's my favoriteist romantic comedy ever, it's such a feel-good movie, I like to watch it when I'm sick (like right now. God I've been sick so friggin' much this school year! Gahhhhh!). Tom Hanks...he's an incredible actor and if he wasn't forty years my senior and I knew him, he'd be off the market (if you know what I'm sayin'), I love that guy. Gerard Way...great voice, the lead singer of [if you don't know you are unworthy of reading this, so bugger off -- I solly, I swear a lot when I'm sick], and I really think he could be a great actor too, judging by the Ghost of You video, boy do I love my actors lol. Acting...well that might have something to do with it, it's one of my favoriteist activities in the world to do, I dunno, like I've said before, I get a high off acting, it's exhilherating (I can't spell). Theatre...see above. Stage...yeah, doi. Guitar...I'm learning how to play (chanson par chanson) but I love the instrument and I looooove my baby -- it's an Ovation Celebrity!! AAHHHH!! Music...yeah, music is my life, I've loved music from day one, it doesn't matter what kind just so long as it's got a rhythm and pitch (k, rap does NOT count, k?). Madrigals...by far the most fun type of song to sing, lots of "fa la la"--ing, but they've got fun melody/harmony lines and the words are quite -- erm -- interesting. Henry Ford...he's just a cool guy, I find him fascinating, "History is bunk!"
K so that's that.
That is all.
Peace out
Remus

Pass the Kleenex

I feel...: not a drop of energy left...
Jammin' to: My Chemical Romance *Our Lady of Sorrows*
K, well...still nothing really to report, so I'm just gonna do what I do best and ramble a bit.
I'm gonna be totally depressed tonight, by bestest friend in the history of the world (part two) graduates tonight and I'm not gonna see her again 'til her gradumation party on Sunday, but after that, who knows? It really sucks 'cause she and I are really close, I mean, she knows more about me than anyone, and I know a lot about her (I won't presume to know more about her than anyone, I dunno who else she's used as a therapist), and she's like my psych and I use her as a sounding board for story ideas, and to figure out my problems ('cause Lord knows I've got problems...)...I'm really gonna miss you lady.
And for those who don't know who I'm talking about...she's none other than Meddy dahling, man she and I've been tight this year. It all started when my mom and I were having a few issues...I kinda vented to her a lot, even though we were like just friends, like barely friends...then we got to trusting each other more, then at the height of my craving for the stage she became my confidant. She was the only one to know just how bad I wanted to be somebody else for a while (still do, come to that), and we just got tighter and tighter from there. I began to trust her with more and more, and I mean stuff that I'd never told anyone before (and some I still haven't...and don't plan to 'til I get over one of my biggest problems...it's a judgement complex, 'case you didn't know), and she even knows about a very serious (though not at the moment) problem of mine...don't ask, I'm not telling, I only told her because I thought I'd figured out why I wanted to be the kind of character on stage that I do (if that made any sense) and I told her what I thought it was, and she said this little *unidentified* problem as a joke in response to the definition I'd given her, and I said, "Well, actually, yeah..." and she was just like "Holy shit..." but we're getting through it...I hope...won't know for a while, at any rate...all I know is that it isn't worth the stress to do it anymore, too much paranoia that comes...now, before I accidently spill, I'm gonna kinda change the subject. So she's felt obligated to share stuff with me, but I was like it's no big deal, really, no strings attached here...but she told me stuff anyway and I was like wow...but it's cool, I love her and I'm gonna miss her next year.
Meddy -- the best of luck in all you do, dahling. You kick serious ass and are one of the nicest people I know, the most trustworthy friend of mine, and I give you high praise for putting up with my family...lol. Stay true to you lady! You rock! As only the best (second) hottest guy said, "Be yourself, don't take anyone's [and I mean ANYONE] shit and never let them take you alive..." Don't you dare change, I'm likely to go postal on your ass if you do, and you don't wanna see Remus go postal...Well, this is basically the same thing I wrote in your yearbook, so I'm peacin'.
Love ya kid
That is all.
Peace out
Remus

*disclaimer*

I feel...: gahhhhh
Jammin' to: AFI *Miss Murder*
Hey losers long time no "see"...yeah, been kinda busy lately, shit for school, job hunting (but not really...lol), drama (not the stage kind either -- gahhhhhhhhhh), more shit for school...k, so I haven't been that busy, just haven't updated for a while...my apologies.
So yeah, this is just a simple "disclaimer" entry. See, I changed the title of my journal again, and I just wanna make sure it's clear...REMUS DOES NOT HAVE A CHEMICAL ROMANCE. I just like the band My Chemical Romance (and it's name) and I wanted to use it somehow for that, so...there you have it. That's basically the full story.
K well that's it. I'm peacin' homies.
Peace
Remus
PS. I discovered AFI as well...that lead singer guy is extremely hot...*yum*

A fun survey i found on myspace

I feel...: not living -- just existing
Jammin' to: MCR *Our Lady of Sorrows*
Which I refuse to join, by the way...I wanna be the only one in my generation to not have one...
Anyway, to the survey...
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Birthday: 30.11.1989 (yes that makes sense...)
Birthplace: a hospital
Current Location: a house
Eye Color: green i think...haven't looked lately
Hair Color: lightish darkish brown...depends on the lighting wherever i am
Height: um...like 5'6", maybe taller
Right Handed or Left Handed: what does it matter? my writing's illegible either way
Your Heritage: French, Irish, Native American, German, and Dutch...that's all i know of
The Shoes You Wore Today: none
Your Weakness: um...if you really wanna know..."ask and ye shall recieve"
Your Fears: see "Your Weakness"
Your Perfect Pizza: deep dish pepperoni from either pizzapapolis or buddy's
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: first kiss *blushes* on a moonlit beach to Taking Back Sunday's "New American Classic"...God i'm such a romantic
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: lol
Thoughts First Waking Up: what the hell...?
Your Best Physical Feature: do i have one?
Your Bedtime: whenever i go to bed
Your Most Missed Memory: um...what?
Pepsi or Coke: to drink? pepsi...to snort, coke...'cept when i get ice cubes stuck in my nose, that is...jk...i love that joke...
MacDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald's, duh...and spell it right next time
Single or Group Dates: dunno, never had one...probably single though
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton all the way
Chocolate or Vanilla: depends
Cappuccino or Coffee: cappuccino
Do you Smoke: some days it sounds good, but never have and never will
Do you Swear: fuck no
Do you Sing: yup
Do you Shower Daily: every other day, yeah
Have you Been in Love: ...perhaps...
Do you want to go to College: of course
Do you want to get Married: eventually
Do you belive in yourself: not really
Do you get Motion Sickness: sometimes
Do you think you are Attractive: um...see "Do you Swear"
Are you a Health Freak: see "Do you think you are Attractive"
Do you get along with your Parents: for the most part...
Do you like Thunderstorms: see "Are you a Health Freak"
Do you play an Instrument: used to play violin...gave up
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: no
In the past month have you Smoked: no
In the past month have you been on Drugs: no
In the past month have you gone on a Date: unfortunately no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: think so, don't remember
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: ew...NO...fish is bad enough, but raw...?
In the past month have you been on Stage: i wish
In the past month have you been Dumped: in order to be dumped, one first needs a boyfriend
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: hell no, it'd scare too many people
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: no
Ever been Drunk: i wish
Ever been called a Tease: um...don't believe so
Ever been Beaten up: no...just a matter of time though i'm sure
Ever Shoplifted: when i was like seven and didn't realise that taking a couple marbles that had fallen out of the bag qualified as stealing, i just thought they were free
How do you want to Die: quick and painless...preferably in my sleep...though i don't think i'd say no to more than a little pain...pain is tres bien...*looks around nervously* did i say that out loud?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: grow up? the hell with that...when i get older, however, i'd love to be an actress...lots of money for something i love? lemme at it
What country would you most like to Visit: hmm...either france, england, or scotland...maybe japan...
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: don't care
Favourite Hair Color: doesn't matter to me
Short or Long Hair: long...length depends on the guy though
Height: same height or taller than me
Weight: what difference does it make?
Best Clothing Style: no pink
Number of Drugs I have taken: lots of acetamenophin (sp?), ibuprofen, aspirin, benadryl, and pseudoephedrine for various ills
Number of CDs I own: um...too many, but not enough...does that make sense?
Number of Piercings: two -- in my ears...wouldn't mind a nose piercing though
Number of Tattoos: none...but again, subject to change
Number of things in my Past I Regret: not sure...maybe if i thought about it i could think of something...let's just say...info on request
(There should be "official" buttons and stuff here, but if I left it, it screwed up my journal format...so the survey can be found here: http://www.kwiz.biz/simplesurveys/do-survey.php)
Yeah. So there you have it.
Peace homies
That is all.
Remus

this is strange...

I feel...: pensive
Jammin' to: none, for once in my life
I feel like updating, but I don't know why. Something keeps telling me, "Write in your journal...write in your journal..." so I'm like, "Why? There's nothing I would put there that I haven't already said," but I got tired of the voices, so I poked them with a Q-tip and surrendered. So I'm just gonna write till my heart's content.
Um...just downloading spyware, trying to get my compy to work faster...but technology hates me, so it just said that a required file could not be found, and it stopped...my MCR obsession has slowed a bit, but I really think my life's changed for the better having re-discovered them...speaking of life changing for the better, my friend from camp said that if he had the chance he'd like to go out with me -- i've been on cloud nine ever since...except when i returned to my normal cloud negative three...i really like this guy, i can't even explain it, and i'm gonna feel horrible if i find out later that he read this entry...i hate embarassment, but doesn't everyone? it's terrible...but i can't help feeling like i'm due for a miracle i'm waiting for a sign and i'll stare straight into the sun and i won't close my eyes till i understand or go blind...it's amazing how music can be such an outlet, how it can take all your emotion and just kind of siphon it out of you, then release it into the void so you never have to deal with it again, that's what i like about loud rock music, strange coming from an introvert but there you are...i don't wanna be in love, i wanna be in love in a movie...why do fools fall in love?...why are all the best guys taken?...why do teenagers hate their parents?...why do people feel better when we talk about stuff?...why do we have to share every little thing that happens in our existence with each other?...why does technology hate me?...i still don't know why the voices are telling me to update, but they haven't shut up yet either...why do we have little voices in our heads that tell us what to do? i mean, what is that? and how can we hear our thoughts?...why do human beings need each other so much? why do we crave friendships and relationships? how can we be so different? how can we hate each other so much? how can we inflict the pain that we do?...why am i flushed right now? i can feel the heat filling my face...why do our feelings embarass us? like why do we want a relationship with someone so bad that we feel like we'll just explode if we don't get it, and then when the someone finds out about our desires we'd love nothing more than to disappear because of our embarassment?...how can one little person, sitting at home with a compy in her lap that hates her, put so many questions into the void at one time?...why do i like the guy in iowa? why?? if you figure it out lemme know, i've been trying to figure it out for a long time...why are we afraid of bugs? we really are, there was a bee in our math class and we were all cowering from it every time it came close. i mean, it's just a bee! a little one-inch long lifeform, what is there to be afraid of?...has anyone figured out why i'm blushing yet? no? keep working on it please...why do i want to go to france so bad? that's another thing i want so bad it hurts, can't i just hide in jacqueline's suitcase?...why does the human race give a handful of people total control over every little aspect of their lives? only a small percentage tell us what to do, how to do it, why we should, what happens if we don't do it their way, i mean why is that? it's like the bon jovi song says: it's my life it's now or never i ain't gonna live forever...how can niagara falls make itself stop? yeah, i know about erosion and stuff, but if it keeps receding it shouldn't stop, it should just keep falling, right?...why are cats so cute? and loyal? and why don't they like dogs? and vice versa?...why can't we give cats human food? why is that such a big deal?...who had so much time on their hands to figure out that two plus two equaled four? why did they care so much? and why does it equal four?...why is education important? again, it all comes back to that handful of people. and why does that same handful get to decide what's cool? if something's cool to you, who cares what everyone else thinks?...who sat there and named everything? "i think this is a shoe, and that's a sock..." i mean honestly...who decided that such a natural thing as sex was bad?...why are men from mars and women from venus? why aren't we from mars instead?...why to men think women are weak and not their equal? if anything, we're better than they are...do advertising companies think the public is stupid?...how did we elect someone to the presidency that can't speak english?...why is the dark side of human nature shunned, frowned upon? like if someone has some strange fascination with violence against weaker human beings, she can't talk about it for fear of what others will think of her? she can't even tell her counselor at school for fear of judgement...why do we women think that british and australian and scottish and irish accents are sexy?...why do we have to be politically correct? why don't people just get a sense of humor and get over it?...why do have incredible respect for actors who can convey amazing emotion? like in phantom of the opera, i gained an incredible respect for gerard butler just because he can convincingly convey a tortured soul with a torturedpast...why do the good die young?...why are chicken noodles so good?...how have we become our own worst enemy?...why is the sky blue? why not call the same color green or purple or orange?...why have i, increasingly recently, wanted to get into a fight with someone? i guess i just need to let off some steam or something...why do opposites attract?...why does abuse of any kind fascinate me?...how can the human mind think so many things at one time?...who decides what beautiful is?...why do we get deja vu? and what does it suggest? are we all psychics and don't know it? do we dream of how our lives will go when we're still in the womb, and so every once in a while we remember a part of the dream because it's happening?...how can edgar degas -- who lived a hundred years ago -- look like my crush in iowa? their faces are almost exactly the same, except mr iowa's nose isn't as long...why do i like guys with long hair? so much so that when i find out they've got it cut, i get all pissed at them? what the hell? it'll grow back eventually...who decides what's crazy? if you get right down to it, aren't we all a little crazy? and add?...why do we need entertainment? be it music, books, movies, tv shows, plays, musicals...why do we have to eat other living things to survive?...why do we feel the need to destroy everything in our path? and everyone?...who decides what's important in life? shouldn't we be able to decide that by ourselves, based on our feelings and personalities?...why do we let pain get to us? why does it affect our judgement like it does?...who had enough time on their hands to pull some leaves off a plant, break them up, let them stew in water, and drink it and yell "i've created tea!"? and who pulled a leaf off a marajuana plant and said "i wonder what will happen if i set fire to this, stick it in my mouth, and inhale?" or "let's see if we add sugar to this stuff coming out of the tree tastes good on pancakes?" who honestly has that much time?...i think i asked this already, but i don't care: how can humans be so attached to each other? how can they have such strong feelings for a fellow human being that they know no other way to express it but to cry? and why is it so embarassing to show how we truly feel? is it that whole judgement thing again? why do we feel scared? considering we have nothing to fear except fear itself, it's a pretty lame emotion...and why haven't i figured out why i wanted to update? at least, i don't think i've figured it out...
This is ridiculous.
I need some rest now.
Peace homies.
That is all.
Remus

Who Wants to be a Writer? Now playing for $1 million, we have Remus...and now the question...

I feel...: artistic
Jammin' to: MCR *Our Lady of Sorrows*
K, I totally had a reason for updating, but I'll be damned if I can remember why...OH, I remember!
Yeah, I'm gonna write a book about this last school year. I won't have the money to go get it published and stuff, but I'm gonna make it look nice and just give it to friends. Gonna be lame, sure -- if you've never met me. Even if I'm the only one to ever have a copy, it'll be fun to find in the attic in thirty years...
I can see it now...*thinks* Hey, what's this box here? *opens it* What the -- *pulls out small stack of papers* Hey, I remember this! *reads* Wow... what th- did I really do that? Did those people really come from my mind? Damn...
So yeah. That's what I'm doing.
And now I'm done here for now.
Peace kids.
That is all.
Remus

alrighty then

I feel...: perfect
Jammin' to: MCR *Skylines and Turnstiles*
So yeah...
I totally gave this link to my friend from camp...after totally forgetting what I said...Damn my memory!
But that's ok, 'cause I've got stuff I can throw in a "friend's" face should she and I fight! Yay!!
But back to the guy...every time I talk to him, I'm reminded why I like him. He's so sweet, he likes drama and music, he's cute, he's funny...he's like everything I want in a guy. And he's not four years my senior (like yet another crush)! Cool! But I have to say congrats, he and his girlfiend are celebrating eleven months today -- may it continue. 'Kay, yeah, sounds funny coming from a girl crushing on him, but like I told him earlier, if he's happy with her, more power to them. And he's gonna read this later, and talk to me and be all "hey you keep talking about me, what's up with that" or whatever. You know what? I don't care. Yeah. I give up. It takes so much more energy to try to make everyone happy than to just be yourself and damn the consequences. I tried doing this before, and it lasted like two days. But I mean it this time (I think). If people aren't going to accept me for me, then fuck them. They're not worth my time.
It's late, and I'm tired as hell. I'm going to bed now.
Night all.
That is all.
Remus
PS Hey Pie jesu domine... dona eis requiem... -- In answer to your question -- I'd say the depression has currently passed. Till I see my choir director on Friday, that is. I am so not looking forward to that. *shudder*
PPS If you don't know what the hell pie jesu domine dona eis requiem means -- IT PROBABLY DOESN'T APPLY TO YOU, SO FUCK OFF :-D

Possible reasons for liking my chemical romance

I feel...: just kinda there
Jammin' to: Mcr *You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us in Prison*
'Kay, more venting...
I've recently been totally obsessed with all things My Chemical Romance. Why? Good question. So I was looking them up everywhere online, and I found this quote by Gerard:
· "If for one minute you think you're better than a sixteen year old girl in a Green Day t-shirt, you are sorely mistaken. Remember the first time you went to a show and saw your favorite band. You wore their shirt, and sang every word. You didn't know anything about scene politics, haircuts, or what was cool. All you knew was that this music made you feel different from anyone you shared a locker with. Someone finally understood you. This is what music is about." And that explained a lot. Also, they're just a really cool group of people from what I gather. Gerard does stuff to raise money for searching for a cure for breast cancer (a cause near and dear to my heart -- no pun intended); Mikey worked at a bookstore, where he got the band's name from the title of a book; Frank likes the Harry Potter series (!); Ray, according to bandmates on "Life on the Murder Scene" just cares about the music, he doesn't care about the fame or success, it's all about the music; and as for the drummers, I like Matt's talent, but I like what the other band members are saying about Bob.
And I found a quote (again by Gerard) which kind of somehow explains to me what I said last entry:
· "That's what happens when you're all borderline psychotic and therein lies the beauty of this band - our duality. There's a duality to each band member too. There's a desire to have this constant conflict. If we write a write a song and it turns out really poppy, we have to make the lyrics really fucked up. There's psychosis to everything we do for sure. One day we're probably gonna write this number one pop tune that will be about a massacre!"
May or may not make sense to you. It will if you're "the girl with the broken smile," anyway (you know who you are). So yeah.
That is all.
Remus

A very small sample of what the picture guy and Meddy know...

I feel...: moodless
Wow, my cousin just called me butt and I agreed. How flippin lame.
Hmm... been kinda depressed lately. I figure I can put this here 'cause most of the people that'll read this have never met me! But yeah, I guess my passion for drama and theatre and a longing to be on stage are coming out. I haven't been on stage for something other than a concert since early November, and that really depresses me. I feel -- I dunno -- incomplete I guess when I'm not on stage, I don't feel I've done all I can with my day if I haven't adopted a character for at least a few minutes. I dunno why either. It's just how it is. I need -- k, I'm gonna sound crazy now -- I need to be in situations that I've never been in, nor hope to ever be. The kind that get adrenaline pumping, the tense ones, the ones where no adjectives can describe it exactly, only in controlled amounts I guess, where no matter what's going on, nothing could ever really hurt me, where if I'm stuck somehow, I'm really not so nothing could go wrong. It sounds kinda contadictory but it's possible: if one keeps the scene fresh, the energy of it remains and the actor can accept and embrace the emotions of the character and truly portray them. Y'know how I said before that I need a situation where no words could get the meaning across? That's kinda like how I feel trying to express this here. Damn, I can't believe I wrote all that and expect anyone to read it.
I must be flippin nuts.
That is all.
Remus