How long can we wait here
To say goodbye?
The words once they're spoken
Are words that we can't take
Back to where we were, before
Things got in the way
Life gets so confusing
When you know what you're loosing
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you
We'll both regret the hurting
That we will do
You'll learn to forget me
And I'll try I'll try to forget...
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best
If you ever need a place that you can run to
I'll be here, I'll be here
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you
Look. I know I'm a bitch. I'm my own worst enemy. I can only imagine what I do to you. I'm miserable to live with. But...Even though it's mostly my fault, I feel like we should know each other better than this, hell, we should love each other more than this. Or differently...not that way. (Sorry, had to alleviate the tension - you know how I am.) We shouldn't be this way. I'm the guilty party. But...I don't know. I guess all I want to say is, I don't want to live this song. Because it wouldn't work. Not on my part, anyway. We'd finally decide to part ways for a while, because we need time or what have you, but just as we start to walk away from each other, I wouldn't be able to help but stop, spin around, run up behind you and hold you. Cliche, yes. Lover-ish, yes. But...I do. I love you. I mean...shit. You were my first sister. I can't not love you. No matter how much I bitch, no matter what I do or say or whatever, I always feel guilty. Sure, I'm outwardly pissed, but that's not what's deep down. Deep down I'm kicking myself - for being bitchy, for not believing my mom (and others) when they said we shouldn't do this, for...well. For being my styngy self. I hate it. Don't go maternal and tell me not to. This is one instance where, if you don't let me hate myself, it'll run unchecked, and who knows where I'll end up. I need to. Let me. Oh. And while it may not seem like it now, I'm almost fairly maybe confident that it'll all work out. And who knows? Maybe I'll kick my cliche habit.
21.4.08
16.4.08
Oh Joy
I gotted my schedule. Yay.
Intro to Anthropology, Intermediate Japanese, French, and Egyptian Art.
Oh yeah.
I think Imma die next semester. *nods*
Intro to Anthropology, Intermediate Japanese, French, and Egyptian Art.
Oh yeah.
I think Imma die next semester. *nods*
31.3.08
More Musing on Moving
I liked having a house. No one was on any side, I could play music as loudly as I wanted, I had a porch with a wide-enough rail that I could sit on, we had a swing. Now...
I'm in an apartment. There's someone on all but one side, I have to take them into consideration with my music, I have a balcony with a small rail, no more room for a swing.
These may seem like little things. They probably are. But to me - who blares music at every opportunity, who sits on front porches, who swings - and writes. Music is one of the most important things in my writing method. Certain songs make me think of certain stories, or certain times at a certain place. Times and places I thought would always be there.
Maybe I've just got hardcore seperation anxiety. This is, most likely, true. I hate being seperated from things I love - people, things, places. It tears me up inside. And now I'm leaving what's been my home for eleven years. There are memories in that place that only songs can bring back, maybe a few smells. And when these songs come up in iTunes, I almost want to cry. I'm leaving home, and I'll miss it greatly.
Sure, the apartment will eventually become home, but when you've lived somewhere for the majority of your life, it's hard to replace it. There have been many great (and many not-so-great) memories in that place. I lived in two places prior to The House - but none of those memories from either of those places are as strong as the ones I've gathered these past eleven years.
I'm leaving home...for home.
[What a lame, hokey ending.]
I'm in an apartment. There's someone on all but one side, I have to take them into consideration with my music, I have a balcony with a small rail, no more room for a swing.
These may seem like little things. They probably are. But to me - who blares music at every opportunity, who sits on front porches, who swings - and writes. Music is one of the most important things in my writing method. Certain songs make me think of certain stories, or certain times at a certain place. Times and places I thought would always be there.
Maybe I've just got hardcore seperation anxiety. This is, most likely, true. I hate being seperated from things I love - people, things, places. It tears me up inside. And now I'm leaving what's been my home for eleven years. There are memories in that place that only songs can bring back, maybe a few smells. And when these songs come up in iTunes, I almost want to cry. I'm leaving home, and I'll miss it greatly.
Sure, the apartment will eventually become home, but when you've lived somewhere for the majority of your life, it's hard to replace it. There have been many great (and many not-so-great) memories in that place. I lived in two places prior to The House - but none of those memories from either of those places are as strong as the ones I've gathered these past eleven years.
I'm leaving home...for home.
[What a lame, hokey ending.]
24.3.08
I Want A Weekend.
I'm tired of carrying boxes.
I'm tired of not having anything in my room.
I'm tired of driving back and forth.
I'm tired of moving.
I'm tired.
Leave me alone.
I'm tired of not having anything in my room.
I'm tired of driving back and forth.
I'm tired of moving.
I'm tired.
Leave me alone.
19.3.08
An Extremely Short Treatise on PotO
As in Phantom of the Opera.
I hate Christine. There, it's out. At first, sure, she's all well and good...but then, after seeing the Phantom's face, she's all superficial and "Ew, he's ugly! Bleah!" Well, ok, so he was a tad harsh and pissed off, but who wouldn't be if someone you loved saw your true appearance and hated you for it? She just bugs the shit out of me.
In case you couldn't tell, the Phantom is my favourite character. Even with his mildly bad temper (heh) he's got good reason for it. Most people don't. (Well done Monsieur Leroux.) I won't go too deeply into why, but I love him.
And then...there's the poorest bastard of the lot. Raoul. All he does is go after the woman he loves, and still gets the shit end of the stick. In my humble opinion, he's the best character. Not my favourite, but a good man.
I told you it was short.
I hate Christine. There, it's out. At first, sure, she's all well and good...but then, after seeing the Phantom's face, she's all superficial and "Ew, he's ugly! Bleah!" Well, ok, so he was a tad harsh and pissed off, but who wouldn't be if someone you loved saw your true appearance and hated you for it? She just bugs the shit out of me.
In case you couldn't tell, the Phantom is my favourite character. Even with his mildly bad temper (heh) he's got good reason for it. Most people don't. (Well done Monsieur Leroux.) I won't go too deeply into why, but I love him.
And then...there's the poorest bastard of the lot. Raoul. All he does is go after the woman he loves, and still gets the shit end of the stick. In my humble opinion, he's the best character. Not my favourite, but a good man.
I told you it was short.
12.3.08
26.2.08
I Should Be Studying Kanji.
Dear Mom:
I feel like there are some things that need to be said.
You mentioned the other night (or whenever it was, it was fairly recently) that my style has changed dramatically over the past few years. I've been churning this over mentally, and come to the conclusion that that's not entirely correct. Yes, I have gone more for black, for red eyeliner, for Hot Topic, for louder music, for heavier music, just since sophomore year. Seems like a dramatic change just from my freshman year of high school, eh? Not really. Sure, I've changed my outward style. But I've always been this way on the inside. It's only been recently that I've grown the balls to let that style be known. The attitude, the immaturity, the darkness...it's all been there this whole time. I was just too afraid of what the world (and you) would say, would think. While I come off (hopefully) as nonchalant or uncaring when someone openly disapproves, it hits deep. Anytime I do something that I know someone disapproves of, all I can think is, I hope I don't see them while I'm like this. It stays with me. For years, and even now, I've been afraid of that. Why don't I share half the thoughts that go through my brain? Why don't I share details of conversations I've had? Why don't I share the stuff I've written? Why didn't I let on when I started listening to WRIF? I was afraid you'd disapprove. The first time we ventured into Hot Topic, I probably seemed a little tense, or uncomfortable. That was more because I was afraid of what your reaction to the store was than what was in it. I felt perfectly at home. (Well, perhaps perfectly isn't the right word, but you get my point.) Now, however, I see that that fear was misplaced. (Is that the right word?) And that's allowed my metaphorical balls to grow and become what they are today - bigger than most men. At least I'd like to think so.
Another random tidbit. (We're going into debt so I can have some quality introspective time, you'll notice.) You've been right for years. Really. About (almost) everything. I'm just a prideful dorkwad who won't admit when she's wrong. But we knew that. I've known you were right. So it's not some big revelation that every person has when they get to college, or after for some people. I just figured I should share this and explain.
And now for an exercise in trust. It's nothing to do with you, I promise. I'm about to send you the link to this on AIM. I realise that that shouldn't be a big deal, that I should have no qualms in sharing this, that that's a chickenshit way to deal with what's ultimately my complex (or whatever the term'd be). You want to read some of the crap I've written? Click the link under "Who Am I?" and from there, click on "Camelot." There you are. There's the insanity and stuff that I'm not necessarily proud came out of my mind. It's not everything, far from it. But it's a start. But I ask one thing: if you disapprove, don't let on. You know I love to write (and it's not all that dark, I promise - that's just what's been typed up) and I'd hate to have that poisoned too. But I will talk about it, 'cause I like talking it out. Works better than mental brainstorming, anyway.
Good God this is a downer.
Snow needs to bugger off.
Love ya, and thanks for putting up with me for eighteen years. You deserve a fecking metal.
Remus
PS I'd have signed with my name, but for the anonymity issue...My apologies for that.
I feel like there are some things that need to be said.
You mentioned the other night (or whenever it was, it was fairly recently) that my style has changed dramatically over the past few years. I've been churning this over mentally, and come to the conclusion that that's not entirely correct. Yes, I have gone more for black, for red eyeliner, for Hot Topic, for louder music, for heavier music, just since sophomore year. Seems like a dramatic change just from my freshman year of high school, eh? Not really. Sure, I've changed my outward style. But I've always been this way on the inside. It's only been recently that I've grown the balls to let that style be known. The attitude, the immaturity, the darkness...it's all been there this whole time. I was just too afraid of what the world (and you) would say, would think. While I come off (hopefully) as nonchalant or uncaring when someone openly disapproves, it hits deep. Anytime I do something that I know someone disapproves of, all I can think is, I hope I don't see them while I'm like this. It stays with me. For years, and even now, I've been afraid of that. Why don't I share half the thoughts that go through my brain? Why don't I share details of conversations I've had? Why don't I share the stuff I've written? Why didn't I let on when I started listening to WRIF? I was afraid you'd disapprove. The first time we ventured into Hot Topic, I probably seemed a little tense, or uncomfortable. That was more because I was afraid of what your reaction to the store was than what was in it. I felt perfectly at home. (Well, perhaps perfectly isn't the right word, but you get my point.) Now, however, I see that that fear was misplaced. (Is that the right word?) And that's allowed my metaphorical balls to grow and become what they are today - bigger than most men. At least I'd like to think so.
Another random tidbit. (We're going into debt so I can have some quality introspective time, you'll notice.) You've been right for years. Really. About (almost) everything. I'm just a prideful dorkwad who won't admit when she's wrong. But we knew that. I've known you were right. So it's not some big revelation that every person has when they get to college, or after for some people. I just figured I should share this and explain.
And now for an exercise in trust. It's nothing to do with you, I promise. I'm about to send you the link to this on AIM. I realise that that shouldn't be a big deal, that I should have no qualms in sharing this, that that's a chickenshit way to deal with what's ultimately my complex (or whatever the term'd be). You want to read some of the crap I've written? Click the link under "Who Am I?" and from there, click on "Camelot." There you are. There's the insanity and stuff that I'm not necessarily proud came out of my mind. It's not everything, far from it. But it's a start. But I ask one thing: if you disapprove, don't let on. You know I love to write (and it's not all that dark, I promise - that's just what's been typed up) and I'd hate to have that poisoned too. But I will talk about it, 'cause I like talking it out. Works better than mental brainstorming, anyway.
Good God this is a downer.
Snow needs to bugger off.
Love ya, and thanks for putting up with me for eighteen years. You deserve a fecking metal.
Remus
PS I'd have signed with my name, but for the anonymity issue...My apologies for that.
19.2.08
13.2.08
Heat Wave, a Tropical Heat Wave...
A little bit of sun'll do a Michigander good.
Kendo was last night. Didn't go - no way in hell was I doing a hundred and twenty repititions with a headache. Oh no.
So instead I ventured to the library. I'd put a hold on the Sweeney Todd music book and wanted to go grab it before I forgot and it was put back on the shelf. While I was there, I browsed the movie section - we've got a pretty kick-ass movie collection. Good thing, because the nearest Blockbuster's Jackson. I picked up 2004's The Aviator. And I loved it. I'm sorry I missed this when it came out, 'cause now no one'll want to talk about it as much. Whatever. At least I saw it at all. I also realised something. I don't care what people say (rock and roll is here to stay) but I love Leonardo diCaprio. His acting ability kills me. Sorry LeoHaters, it does. I love it. End of story.
The ice is turning more to slush than ice! Lord be praised! 'Course, that means it'll probably freeze over night, but hey, it's melting right now. The melting also means it's warmer, all of sixteen degrees! Improvement from three.
It's summer in my rooooooom. I got this sweet candle at Bath and Body Works over break, and finally brought it back this weekend. Called "Sun and Sand." Smells like Coppertone Sunscreen! And when the scent gets stronger, it's like citronella! So it goes from Day At The Beach to Night 'Round The Fire! Amazing!!
Heat wave, a tropical heat wave...I need a life.
Kendo was last night. Didn't go - no way in hell was I doing a hundred and twenty repititions with a headache. Oh no.
So instead I ventured to the library. I'd put a hold on the Sweeney Todd music book and wanted to go grab it before I forgot and it was put back on the shelf. While I was there, I browsed the movie section - we've got a pretty kick-ass movie collection. Good thing, because the nearest Blockbuster's Jackson. I picked up 2004's The Aviator. And I loved it. I'm sorry I missed this when it came out, 'cause now no one'll want to talk about it as much. Whatever. At least I saw it at all. I also realised something. I don't care what people say (rock and roll is here to stay) but I love Leonardo diCaprio. His acting ability kills me. Sorry LeoHaters, it does. I love it. End of story.
The ice is turning more to slush than ice! Lord be praised! 'Course, that means it'll probably freeze over night, but hey, it's melting right now. The melting also means it's warmer, all of sixteen degrees! Improvement from three.
It's summer in my rooooooom. I got this sweet candle at Bath and Body Works over break, and finally brought it back this weekend. Called "Sun and Sand." Smells like Coppertone Sunscreen! And when the scent gets stronger, it's like citronella! So it goes from Day At The Beach to Night 'Round The Fire! Amazing!!
Heat wave, a tropical heat wave...I need a life.
6.2.08
Why Can't I Write Like This for Class?
Playlist Title: Iago (as in the ancient)
1.) Another One Bites the Dust - Queen
2.) Stupid Girl - Cold (I promise, it makes sense. You just don't know it.)
3.) We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
4.) This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race - Fall Out Boy
5.) Burn - Three Days Grace
6.) Master of Puppets - Metallica
7.) The Pretender - Foo Fighters
8.) House of Wolves - My Chemical Romance
9.) Shameful - Atreyu
10.) I So Hate Consequences - Relient K
11.) You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us in Prison - My Chemical Romance
Now, I expect you'd fancy an explanation on most of these. Sorry, #2 is staying in my mind, don't even bother asking.
Another One Bites The Dust - I'm not sure if this is the reason I chose to include this song; however, it could be argued that this is how Iago feels about not getting his promotion, albeit a bit over the top. "You took me for everything that I had, and kicked me out on my own! Are you happy? Are you satisfied?...There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man and bring him to the ground - you can beat him, you can cheat him, you can treat him bad and leave him when he's down. But I'm ready. Yes, I'm ready for you." You took me down. Oh no. Bring it on, Othello. Bring it on.
We're Not Gonna Take It - Iago was passed over for a promotion, and he wasn't gonna take that lying down. There are few lines in this song that, to me, embody Iago. "You're so condescending, your gall is neverending." In my mind, he hates that Othello presumes nothing to be wrong. Of course, we all know that if Iago and Othello were as close as the former makes it out to be, he would realise, but...Anyway, it fit in my mind.
This Ain't a Scene... - The first line is "I am an arms dealer, fitting you with weapons in the form of words...And the lies I weave are oh so intricate." Iago manipulates words so well and so easily that this just seemed perfect. He also has this ability to - well - act. On the one hand, toward Roderigo, he hates the Moor, but as soon as anyone else happens upon them, he's loyal and "honest." As we, the readers and audience know, however, he has everyone duped. And the lies woven are so intricate that they cannot be unwoven until most parties involved are killed (or, in the case of Cassio, maimed).
Burn - "I'll tell you now - you can't win this...I won't let it show that I'm not always flying." While it doesn't end up happening, in Iago's mind, his plan is failsafe. He can't lose. Because of his duplicity, he cannot let his guard down and show his true colours ("wear his heart upon his sleeve," as he says in the first scene), nor does he care to. What good could be gained that way?
Master of Puppets - While I'm sure this speaks to your common sense, I'll explain it anyway. "I'm your source of self-destruction...Leading on your death's construction." Iago in a nutshell. He's the direct cause of Othello's downward spiral, and whether or not he planned it, he does indeed construct Othello's death.
The Pretender - I'm noticing a trend here...but the lyrics work as well as the title. Mostly this part: "I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear; I'm the face that you have to face mirrored in your stare; I'm what's left, I'm what's right - I'm the enemy; I'm the hand that will take you down, bring you to your knees." Again it could be directed toward both Othello and Cassio...poor bastards. They get the rotten end of the stick.
House of Wolves - One could argue that the lyrics of this song are written from Iago's point of view and directed at either Cassio or Othello. "You haven't got a prayer...Well I think I'm gonna burn in hell...Tell me I'm a bad man...It's a compliment, I swear..." In my mind, anyway, it lends itself to Iago's mental state.
Shameful - The title works well here, but this is my favourite part: " If you knew what I know, would you move like you do? With malicious discontent, you went about hell-bent to destroy - but did you have a reason why?" I love it. If Othello knew what Iago knew, which is that Desdemona is innocent, would he still try to catch her? No. While it's true he was acting under Iago's influence, he was still not being a very nice guy. And he was hellbent to destroy her without cause. I also love this bit: "Now, it's time to see what you don't mean to me."
I So Hate Consequences - "I got to get away...I so hate consequences, and running from you is what my best defense is...Don’t make me face up to this." In my mind, Iago was hoping to get off scott-free from all of this. He didn't get a promotion, so he was determined to take down as many people as possible. And when he gets caught, well... "It just now hit me this is more than just a set back." He's fucked.
You Know... - There's no skirting the issue - this song is about prison rape. While there are no specific lyrics in this one to apply directly to Iago or his motives, we know that Iago likely ends up in prison. Considering his decent standing in the military, chances are that he's responsible for more than one or two of the inmates' incarcerations. Chances are they aren't too thrilled about that. Chances are, they want some semblance of revenge.
Well...there it is.
1.) Another One Bites the Dust - Queen
2.) Stupid Girl - Cold (I promise, it makes sense. You just don't know it.)
3.) We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
4.) This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race - Fall Out Boy
5.) Burn - Three Days Grace
6.) Master of Puppets - Metallica
7.) The Pretender - Foo Fighters
8.) House of Wolves - My Chemical Romance
9.) Shameful - Atreyu
10.) I So Hate Consequences - Relient K
11.) You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us in Prison - My Chemical Romance
Now, I expect you'd fancy an explanation on most of these. Sorry, #2 is staying in my mind, don't even bother asking.
Another One Bites The Dust - I'm not sure if this is the reason I chose to include this song; however, it could be argued that this is how Iago feels about not getting his promotion, albeit a bit over the top. "You took me for everything that I had, and kicked me out on my own! Are you happy? Are you satisfied?...There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man and bring him to the ground - you can beat him, you can cheat him, you can treat him bad and leave him when he's down. But I'm ready. Yes, I'm ready for you." You took me down. Oh no. Bring it on, Othello. Bring it on.
We're Not Gonna Take It - Iago was passed over for a promotion, and he wasn't gonna take that lying down. There are few lines in this song that, to me, embody Iago. "You're so condescending, your gall is neverending." In my mind, he hates that Othello presumes nothing to be wrong. Of course, we all know that if Iago and Othello were as close as the former makes it out to be, he would realise, but...Anyway, it fit in my mind.
This Ain't a Scene... - The first line is "I am an arms dealer, fitting you with weapons in the form of words...And the lies I weave are oh so intricate." Iago manipulates words so well and so easily that this just seemed perfect. He also has this ability to - well - act. On the one hand, toward Roderigo, he hates the Moor, but as soon as anyone else happens upon them, he's loyal and "honest." As we, the readers and audience know, however, he has everyone duped. And the lies woven are so intricate that they cannot be unwoven until most parties involved are killed (or, in the case of Cassio, maimed).
Burn - "I'll tell you now - you can't win this...I won't let it show that I'm not always flying." While it doesn't end up happening, in Iago's mind, his plan is failsafe. He can't lose. Because of his duplicity, he cannot let his guard down and show his true colours ("wear his heart upon his sleeve," as he says in the first scene), nor does he care to. What good could be gained that way?
Master of Puppets - While I'm sure this speaks to your common sense, I'll explain it anyway. "I'm your source of self-destruction...Leading on your death's construction." Iago in a nutshell. He's the direct cause of Othello's downward spiral, and whether or not he planned it, he does indeed construct Othello's death.
The Pretender - I'm noticing a trend here...but the lyrics work as well as the title. Mostly this part: "I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear; I'm the face that you have to face mirrored in your stare; I'm what's left, I'm what's right - I'm the enemy; I'm the hand that will take you down, bring you to your knees." Again it could be directed toward both Othello and Cassio...poor bastards. They get the rotten end of the stick.
House of Wolves - One could argue that the lyrics of this song are written from Iago's point of view and directed at either Cassio or Othello. "You haven't got a prayer...Well I think I'm gonna burn in hell...Tell me I'm a bad man...It's a compliment, I swear..." In my mind, anyway, it lends itself to Iago's mental state.
Shameful - The title works well here, but this is my favourite part: " If you knew what I know, would you move like you do? With malicious discontent, you went about hell-bent to destroy - but did you have a reason why?" I love it. If Othello knew what Iago knew, which is that Desdemona is innocent, would he still try to catch her? No. While it's true he was acting under Iago's influence, he was still not being a very nice guy. And he was hellbent to destroy her without cause. I also love this bit: "Now, it's time to see what you don't mean to me."
I So Hate Consequences - "I got to get away...I so hate consequences, and running from you is what my best defense is...Don’t make me face up to this." In my mind, Iago was hoping to get off scott-free from all of this. He didn't get a promotion, so he was determined to take down as many people as possible. And when he gets caught, well... "It just now hit me this is more than just a set back." He's fucked.
You Know... - There's no skirting the issue - this song is about prison rape. While there are no specific lyrics in this one to apply directly to Iago or his motives, we know that Iago likely ends up in prison. Considering his decent standing in the military, chances are that he's responsible for more than one or two of the inmates' incarcerations. Chances are they aren't too thrilled about that. Chances are, they want some semblance of revenge.
Well...there it is.
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