It's my blog, deal with it

After all the whinging I do around here, you must think I don't mean it. Clearly she doesn't want to change, since she hasn't yet. She keeps carrying on about it, but nothing ever happens.

I want to, mates. I need to. Every time I do something stupid and it comes around to kick me in the ass, the feeling of failure hits lower and lower, the bottom of my stomach falls further and further. Even now my heart is in my throat. I feel like I've been clamoring out of the hole I'm in, but haven't realised that I'm not making progress, only digging away further at the bottom. Maybe I think I'll find more success that way - I don't know. Clearly I don't. I want to succeed, I genuinely do. Not only will I feel better about myself, I'll actually enjoy life. It won't be this horrible, arduous task that I have no choice but to muddle through.

Now that I've left this entry for twenty minutes to calm down a bit, I've developed the beginnings of a plan for success next year. I'll be living in a house, so there will be a couple more options of places to go without actually leaving. Also, over summer (as I hopefully take classes at a local college) I'll work on committing to success and keeping that goal in the forefront of my mind. I think I'll see about looking up motivators (since I've yet to find any that actually work).

Whatever needs to click hasn't clicked yet. It'll be really great when it does. My feet are getting heavy with lead from all the times I've metaphorically shot myself. Time for yet another new mantra...

I will do it next semester. I will achieve academic success. I will. I will. I will. Hell.

I must.

平和

Remus

Finally

The day has come where I can tell you that I've actually had both the wines in the blog title.

Honestly, I'm not a big fan of either or them. But in their defence, I only had cheap versions.

The champagne was a couple New Years ago, and I was unimpressed. Actually it was sparkling white wine, probably out of California. I have no idea. Meh.

I'm enjoying some reallllly cheap chardonnay as I type. And I mean cheap - it's a step down from boxed wine. The container it's in is reminiscent of the soy milk boxes you can get at Starbucks. I won't call it bad in terms of taste, but it is definitely bad. We opened the bottle-box and could smell it.

Once I can actually go into a store and buy this stuff for myself (shhhhh) I'll try some of the good stuff. Or at least better.

平和

Remus

Serious Question

Reasons I don't fancy feminists too much...

Why is it ok to laugh at and joke about murder, but God forbid we laugh at rape? Call me insensitive, call me ignorant, I don't care. Both are horrid things that we have to live with as humans. Yeah, it'd be great if it would stop, but (in my opinion) it's ingrained into our psyches as homo sapiens. We are animals, guys, animals who will go to any lengths to reproduce and come out on top. We will kill, and we will rape. It could also be that neither has hit close to home, and I am thankful for that. But it does not change the fact that animals do stupid things, and we are animals. Psychologically speaking, laughter is the best medicine for the chemicals it releases - so why can't we laugh, why shouldn't we laugh at the worst parts of humanity?

This all started in reading an interview with Seth McFarlane, the creator of 'Family Guy', and I ended up there from a fem blog entry analyzing the answers he gives and on a basic level, the show itself. My opinion is that the show is considered 'bad' because of its brutal honesty. It makes a commentary on society by being politically incorrect. ZOMG OH NOES~!

This is one of few things that piss me off royally. Hence, this entry.

There are my two cents. Spend 'em, chuck 'em, keep 'em, reject 'em. Whatever.

平和

Remus

See you in my dreams...but not you, Mr Dark Lord, sir.

In my dream last night, Voldemort had it out for me. Even though I kept giving him shit (pretending technology was failing, even though I was the one messing with the phone in the elevator) and it didn't really seem like anything serious he was after me for, I was scared as hell. I kept trying to make jokes with his followers (they weren't really Death Eaters) and they just kept glaring at me. I didn't know it was possible to have a legit panic attack while dreaming, but I did. Even after the dream had changed to some other plotline, I kept looking over my shoulder, thinking he was gonna show up when I least expected him.

That's all, I just felt the need to throw that out there.

平和

Remus

Maundy, Maundy

Some quick things that'd flitted through my mind in the last couple of hours.

My bad-student half kicked my ass two-fold tonight. I'd wanted to go to a Maundy Thursday service, but because I've skipped classes quite enough I couldn't. My own fault, I admit that completely. Insult to injury was going over the papers we handed in last week. Mine sucked - again, all me. Doesn't change how it pisses me off/depresses me/make me just want to jump around and scream.

I probably should be packing stuff to cart home this weekend. Three guesses what I'm doing tomorrow morning before I go to breakfast.

If I say 'Michigan,' what do you think of? Allow me. Detroit and the recently-raided terrorists. Bloody hell. No wonder the state is in such a shambles. We have piss-poor public image. No one ever hears about the budding wind farms, or the gorgeous areas not on the lakeshores, or the many many many historical sites. 'Course not. The media only ever blathers on about Detroit and Christian terrorists. (Those could easily get another full entry from me, if I should decide to devote the time and energy. Don't count on it.) And so we come full circle to how I feel about the media and society generally and I don't intend to go into that right now.

Last night was good - in bed by a reasonable time, not up until ten (we'll ignore that I hit snooze several times prior to actually getting up). And yet, here I sit, exhausted and falling asleep, and it's quarter to twelve. Mon Dieu. What kind of college student am I??

...don't answer that.

Right - I'll be going home tomorrow, as I believe I've said, which means no interwebz again until Monday afternoon. So, lucky for you, this sucker'll be dormant for a bit. Probably just as well.

Since I won't 'see' you until then - To those of you of the Christian persuasion, have a blessed Easter, and to those of you of the Jewish persuasion, have a blessed Passover, and to the rest of you, just have a blessed weekend. Whether you believe in blessings or not doesn't mean you can't be blessed.

Ten bucks says I'll see that in the morning and wonder how I ever thought that made sense.

平和

Remus

Why?

Maybe if I spend less time philosophising, and more time just taking on the issues in my life, I'd get shit done.

Wow! What a concept!

*waves awkwardly*

So I was browsing the blogroll of a blogger I read fairly regularly, and what to my wondering eyes should appear but the name of this li'l ol' blog. I'd be willing to bet that hits have not increased due to this phenomenon, but on the off-chance...

If you wound up here from OCICBW... I hope you don't expect very eloquent, reasonable, or relevant entries. This sucker's up here for my poor 20-year-old brain to let the teen emotions run rampant. It's my free space where I can bitch and moan about things that really don't need it, and generally be petty (and as far as the basket case is concerned, pathetic). Occasionally I have thoughts that could be expanded upon, but that rarely happens, so good luck finding those entries.

Right. Disclaimer over. If you're new - welcome to the idiocy, and good luck getting out again.

平和

Remus

God help us.

God only made me so Fate would have something to laugh at.

I mean that in good humour, incidentally, not in a God-hates-me kind of way...

But some days I wonder what His intentions were. I was just sitting here, pondering why I seem to be attracted to every guy I know...and lo and behold, the cause of the basket case appears on AIM.

Look, God, mate...I'm glad You've got a sense of humour. In fact, it gives me hope that I won't end up in hell. But what the hell?? I guess it makes sense, considering You created all things, including shadenfreude...but come on!

Who is this dame, anyway?

Little old church ladies. We all know 'em. We all love 'em (or love to hate 'em). They're the feisty ones that own the kitchen and keep the young whippersnappers in line. When I was younger, they scared me. I kid you not. They were tall (as I say, I was younger...), they had the final say, they had biting wit (or just scathing insults)...oy. As I've gotten older, I've seen the feistyness as the brilliant sarcasm it truly is, and in some weird way it gives me a glimpse of what these women were like when they were younger - I'm actually seeing who they are, rather than the stuffy church personality. But even with that - even finding out that these women are the most hilarious people I know...

They are some of the scariest broads.

And they are the people I aspire to be. Look at their qualities - unafraid to speak their minds, willing to come across as harsh and crotchety (even though they're just being brutally honest), fighting for what they believe in, and being completely and totally themselves. That cinches it for me. I don't know how to be myself, and I envy older women that. One of these days, I'll get there...but in the meantime, I reckon I've got a ways to go. But eventually - oh yes - I will be a little old church lady, who looks like she should be wearing a skirt (but has slacks on), who looks like she's got bon-bons in her purse (but really it's chock full of pain meds and memory aids), who plays basketball and can't work out why that's a bad thing (because it's totally possible to forget that you're 90)...Little old church ladies rock.

平和

Remus