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i can haz spreeng?

We were talking together

I said, what's up with this weather?

Don't know whether or not

How sad I just got

Was of my own volition

Or if I'm just missin' the sun

I know I'm missing the sun. This midwestern winter's been a right pain in the ass. Luckily spring is only a few more weeks around the corner. I'm ready for warm weather and sunshine and colour and...I know this is insane...no snow. I'm pretty much over the snow, and not just because it tends to make me fall down. Although that helps. I'm tired of trudging through it, and of it falling, and of it covering the landscape. Life is so dull and grey right now. Bleah.

平和

Remus

*"High of 75", Relient K, Mmhmm

Update to the last entry

While the slap still stings, the motivation still abandons me. Sigh. I have an appointment Tuesday with Dinah, so I think I'm going to ask her about adult ADD. I read a wee bit about it and it seemed to fit my problems to a tee, so I figured I'd get her opinion. Seems appropriate, considering she's a psychologist. Heh.

I have work I should be doing. Quelle surprise.

平和

Remus

Well kids. It's honest-to-God slapped me in the face. It's time to do something. Something *must* change. I haven't even figured out why the change that spawned this happened, and I thought figuring that out was the key to fixing this. Apparently not. Apparently you just have to say 'fuck it' and change or nothing ever will. I don't know how to change other than to just do it, and that's been workin' out real swell for me, hasn't it? I don't know what to do, I don't know how to ask, and even if I did, I don't know *who* to ask. Wanna know how you can tell this change is legit? I've cried over academics before. But I've never sobbed for ten minutes about it. I have to change. It has to be something I do. I can't just say 'I'm going to succeed this semester!' and expect to sit by and not change and have everything work out all peachy keen. No wonder the future terrifies me. I can't even get through the present because I'm stuck in the past.

I could go on and on and on if I had but time. These things always seem to happen immediately before something else that I cannot get out of - today, it's an astronomy exam. It's not gonna go so hot, between my headache (which crying has only made worse) and not being able to concentrate...but I'm gonna muddle through it and two pm today marks the beginning of the change. I have to or I won't make it, that's all there is to it.

平和

Remus

PS I really need that peace. If you're of the praying variety I'll take all the help I can get. Thanks.

Maybe the reason I haven't met success is because nothing's really changed. And maybe the answer to the question of 'why haven't you changed' is 'I don't know how'. And that just drives me up the fucking wall.

Bugs of the non-bacterial variety bite at the most inopportune moments...why is that?

People Come and Go So Quickly Here...

Well, I'm just ridiculous, 'cause now my motivation's back, I'm just kind of ignoring it to a degree. hahahaha But yeah, just thought I'd throw out there that I'm more on track again...That's it.

平和
Remus

Bored and Listless

Why is motivation so easily lost? I have things I need to be doing; I want desperately to succeed; but here I sit, feeling bored and unable to make myself do anything. So it all comes back to...why.

I'm going to go attempt again to do what I need to do...hopefully the tune will have changed again by the end of the week.

平和

Remus

Fancy that.

It would seem that the biggest issue I have with getting work done is a lack of focus. Maybe if I didn't have this incredible ability to distract myself so easily...

*skips off to go read Franklin's autobiography*

Earth to Self-Discovery...

Another year...another semester...another entry.

So - New Year - Resolutions yeah! I've pretty much decided that 2010 is my year. I'm going to realise my academic goals finally, I'm going to realise my weight goals finally, I'm going to realise my...um...personality/identity goals...Basically I'm going to figure out who I am and why and proudly declare that this is ME. This is so incredibly daunting I can't even tell you. But you know what? I can get through it. It'll probably be a pain in the ass, but I'm willing to bet that if I succeed...I'd be so geeked. I'm pretty sure there aren't words to describe how I'd feel. So yeah. That's going to be my year.

New semester - OMG I picked a hellacious semester to actually accomplish everything. It's my first lab class, and there is a considerable amount more going into that than I expected. My history class consists of reading a book a week for discussion. My French class is reading/writing based. My Japanese class is one giant research project. My Psych class meets four days a week and requires six hours of experiment time for the semester. Is it honestly possible to fit all this into one fifteen-week semester?? We'll find out. But here again, as much as I'm freaking out (and this only the second week...) I'm going to do it. Because I want to. Even with all the stress of getting it done, I will feel so much better at the end knowing I did it all. I'm excited for that prospect.

New entry - Yeah that's it. hahaha Um...Basically this year and this semester represent the proverbial new leaf for me. I've been saying for years that I'll turn it over only to sit there staring at the leaf for twelve months and at the end, wonder why nothing's changed. Now I'm going to affect that change. I've been restless lately...I know I generally am, but recently the wanderlust has dug deeper and been more insistant than ever. I feel led to get out of here, to do something, anything. I really can't explain it, since it's more of a feeling than anything, but...I'm going to let this feeling lead me. Let's see where I end up, shall we?

That being said, I'll try to keep this up with mental state and how it's coming. Maybe if I hold myself accountable to my non-existant audience, I'll keep up. But now I need to go investigate my first astronomy lab ever. It's math-based...so if I survive tonight, the semester should be a breeze. Ha.

平和

Remus

Post-Lab Update: I'm beginning to remember why I so intensely disliked math in high school...But I'll muddle through it. *cue: I Will Survive* Also, I forgot to add - part of this year is saying sayounara to the basket case. I've lately discovered that that part of me is pretty similar to Kate Winslet's character's dilemma in "The Holiday" and Grog no like. So that is also happening in 2010. Ok, I think that's it for now. Good night Neverland.