Here's the rest of it; this is a bit more...emotional. I think I actually accomplished what I set out to do - explore my mind to see what's what. Before you judge me, my ego showed its ugly face. Just so you're prepared.
2007年7月30日
4.20時ぐらい
So much for the 'let's create a story!' idea, I don't see a plot developing here, wanna muse on acting? Maybe if I got back into that lax, sensitive state of mind I can come up with some insights? Let's give it a try, even though my writing and spelling is still deteriorating, case in point, just in cases...anywho, Doc says anywho, too, it's not just a stupid family thing I picked up, there are others out there will wonders never cease? At any rate, I was gonna start on acting, y'know, on the other page, I was really in a kind of trance, just writing whatever without letting it become too dark in tone and just listening to the noises at the park interesting, raelly, but now that I'm trying, can I do it again? what do you think? Not at all, so let's start at acting again, maybe that'll let me sink into it. So about that just kidding, I think I should teach myself to write with my left hadn, if only so I can keep going when my right hand cramps up, it does that a lot, especially in class or if I'm writing a lot, kinda like I am now, so ADD much? I was gonna muse on acting. So right, acting - I know I can act, I'm sure you tire of hearing it, but really, I ca...although, I'll admit, I'm not very good. I can through the monologue I've known for years in the sanctuary a while back, just because I could, because it was empty and no one could hear me even though there were people downstairs (they were all the way in the youth room, so no worries there. I don't know why I have such a block about acting if people can see or hear me, but I get seriously impaired if people are around. So I took advantage of it, and it was GREAT fucking great. My hand hurts. I didn't project, but I think I was still pretty damn good. If I keep at it, at the whole thing, perhaps I could pull Hamlet off in a couple years? Or is that too presumptuous, too grand an idea with absolutely nothing nothing, no bullshit on my resume, the most impressive being I don't even know - I took classes under the [theatre prof. I like best]? Please, I need to prove myself, I need to find out what the plays are for this upcoming year I think I just got a papercut so I can read the plays and actually know what I'm doing, rather than going into an audition cold, you'd think I'd learn, and I could always ask [my cousin/godfather] if he'd be willing to go over a scene with me, just for practise, I don't know. I haven't found my niche yet, haven't found the one thing that comes so easily to me that I can simply do it and enjoy it - not violin, cello, piano, guitar, acting, writing, languages, history - NOTHING - although, maybe writing, even though I'm not so good with deadlines, I guess acting is there, but in order to improve I have to be willing to be open to the lessons, I should see what [the professor]'s teaching/directing next semester and see about working with him again, or trying yet again to sit in on his Shakespeare class because, dammit I know I can do it! I know it's there! I just have to loose the chains binding it and let myself go! Maybe that's part of it too, it's not just a matter of learning the lessons of how to do it, and of course applying them, it's also a matter of letting myself go. I can't go crazy on stage like I want to, I'm too afraid of being judged, of people disapproving of what I'm doing, of it not being 'right,' although in theatre, there is no right or wrong, there is only strong and weak, I'm afraid of making a weak choice, I hate being judged even if it's only in my mind, I hate the feeling, what was that bout keeping the tone light, I'm too judgemental, I have all these limits I've placed on myself for no clear reason, although I just got a flash of [an elementary schoolmate], maybe something clicked in that whole thing that's been there ever since, I don't know, I don't even remember half the shit that went down in that whole thing, I just remember hating her and wanter her to leave me alone - something about Play-doh, I don't even know - but maybe it was something with that, or maybe that's just the influence of the swimmeet across the street, she was on the swim team then, I just don't know - ADD - but I do know that I have alot of weight - a lot should be two words, I know - attached to letting myself out of the shell, I just wish I could either throw them off and let them become so much space junk, or failing that use them, 'throw the weight around', as it were SOMETHING to get rid of them, ignoring them doesn't work even, they're definitely always there, anyway. So I was talking about acting and stuff at some point - my writing gets even worse when there are crazy emotions affoot (I spelled that wrong too, get over it) but apparently I do have a lot of silly shit buried in my memory. I wonder if therapeutic hypnosis is anything like this? So yeah, if I can overcome these mysterious obstacles and be me around everybody, I'd be willing to bet that acting would come ten times easier. So yeah. I think my brain's petering out, I have to pee and my hand is really pushing for secession at the wrist so that being said, I'm done for the day. Thanks for reading.
4時51ぐらい
~~~~~
And there you have take two - four pages written and ginormous on here. So yeah. I'm sure Freud would have a field day with this sucker.
平和
Remus
