C'est moi

Why yes, yes I am an artist.

Best Shuffled-iTunes Moment Ever

Went from (the new) Sweeney Todd's Poor Thing to My Chemical Romance's Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough for the Two of Us.

Fucking brilliant if I do say so myself.


Edit: I feel the need to expound on this. Not sure why, but we all know I do what feels right at any given time, so...The two in the MCR title, to me, refers to Lucy and Mrs Lovett, and both were vying for Mr Todd's attention - both wanting to be the only one reflected in Mr T's eyes...OK this argument made ten times more sense when I first came up with it. I surrender to my brain drain...for now.

Tony Award Presentations, or What I'm Thinking Right Now

Why does the stage have an allure - an allure that even the best of Hollywood can never hope to achieve?

Keeping Everything Inside

Songs have a tendency to stir up sometimes-strong emotions and memories within us; surely you've noticed. Linkin Park's 'With You' is one of many songs that take me back to my senior year of high school. Every once in a while I would actually do schoolwork that year, and when I did, it was usually later in the evening and the world was drowned out by the noise of Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory. I'd put the CD into my personal CD player (even though, at that point, iPods were more in vogue, I was too cheap to have one), stick the earbuds in my ears, turn it up way too loud and jam while getting through homework. Homework was always accomplished this way. Even now, when I have iTunes on shuffle and a song from Hybrid Theory begins unexpectedly, I am transported - I am sitting on the couch in the living room at the house; it's reasonably dark as I have a thing about waiting as long as possible to turn the lights on; my backpack and a couple hundred other insundry things sit next to me; Minerva, my cat, is 'helping' me hold my books on the other side; said books are backlit by the streetlight just outside...No matter where I am when I hear the album, no matter what I'm doing, no matter what time of day, I'm taken back there. (Which of course takes me back to the house, and all the thoughts and feelings, new and old, resurface as well...but that, of course, is another story for another time.)

When 'With You' came up on shuffle earlier, I remembered another aspect of what was happening my senior year. I was angry. I was depressed. My only outlet - like so many angry, depressed teens before me - was overly loud and extremely expressive music. I was angry at myself, at my family, at school, at the world - nothing was right, nothing did right by me, especially myself. It is likely all this helped the depression along - I kept disappointing myself and my family where school was concerned, and that was all the world could see: the bad student. If the only face They could see was that, then what good was it to have any good facets backing it up? My self-confidence hit rock bottom, and on some level I just gave up. I've never much outwardly cared how I look, but inside I thought I looked terrible and was constantly on my own case about it. I tried to send out the signals that I didn't care about being a rotten student; unfortunately that mask was ripped off quite brutally quite often, simply because I cared so much. While it's true that, today, I'm more of a mind of laissez-faire, of take-life-as-it-comes, and I heartily believe in Gerard Way's advice to 'be yourself, don't take anyone's shit, and never let them take you alive', I'm still angry. I'm still depressed. The only thing that has changed is the degree. Even though it still tears me apart inside when grades come out or I think about changing, I've taken on a certain nonchalance, an attitude that 'that's the way it is.' Guess what, mate?

It doesn't have to be that way. But I'm the only one who can change it.


平和
Remus

It's My Blog and I'll Do What I Want To

Drumroll for my favourite Johnny Depp outfit in a movie:








The only thing that could improve it would be jeans.

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The Muses...

Falling away with you?

More like

Falling away from you.

And frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

A Thought

One of us is Hamlet, the other Laertes.

Which is which?

A Point of Interest

Brits who visit America complain of England's stiffness, its need for politeness and always saying Please and Thank you, and wish England was more like America.

Yanks who visit England complain of America's road rage, its quick-to-anger citizens, its political correctness, and wish Americans were more like Brits.

What the hell is up with that, folks?

Freee!

Yes!

With three Es!

I dropped all that moaping business. Can't have a fun and productive summer with me wearing it like a corset.

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Je ne sais plus...

I hate always feeling like I'm coming in second place. I'll be the first to say that there are plenty of ways I could change this, but please, let me rant. I've always felt second-best, if not further back. My cousins all know/knew what they want/ed to do in life - pastor, theatre management, film producer. All did/are doing well in school, if only well enough to get by. All have their own unique strong points. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, it changes with my mood and the time of day - history teacher, language teacher, even pastor on occasion, writer, actor (yes, I scoff too). I don't think I'm getting by anymore. My strong points end up overshadowed by everyone else's - even by my best mate's. She know where she's going - music teacher. She frets over not getting straight-four-points. Her voice is more trained than mine (even if I don't personally like the sound of it, I can appreciate the technique), she's acted in bigger and better parts than I, she can play guitar (and piano and stand-up bass and...), she speaks Japanese better than I, she takes expressions and gestures from me and gets the credit for them...! I am fully incapable of life, it would seem. Clearly I can survive - I eat, drink, and breathe - but am I living? Is it living if all you do is try to scrape by society's demands but don't enjoy the process? It's something of a theme I've harped on before, the competition/lack of acknowledgement. I'm big on easy solutions to problems, and the issue is that there is no easy fix. It's all a neverending cycle. Maybe if I'd speak up for myself...no, it would then seem I'm taking someone else's glory. Others have tried to push me into the spotlight, Lord knows, plenty of times - I fight it, though. I cannot be the centre of attention, I cannot abide getting due credit. And yet, when I don't, it stings. Something in me craves it; another part of me denies it. My optimism extends to the far reaches of the planet, but my pessimism is concentrated in a small cloud constantly over my head. I'm not sure how to get out from under it, but I feel confident that once I have achieved that, I can achieve anything. I'm staring in disbelief at a great solid wall...will it be easier to climb it, go around it, or shove my way through it?