FYI

I'm brewing up a couple updates...just so you know. I didn't realise it had been so long since I'd posted...woops. There are entries to be made, but they're not ready for the light of day yet. Patience is a virtue, mates.

Because there are SO MANY of you breaking down my door for an update. Heh.

Is this an epiphany or a mini-bitchfest?

After all this bloody time I've finally worked out that I can't, in fact, write a paper the night before. So now I know for next semester. Fat lot of good that does me, as I now have a paper due at an immobile deadline this evening, and in the five hours since I've sat here at my computer, I might have written a paragraph. Most I can do at this point, I guess, is pray next semester is the turning point of my college career.

So now, before I go into a melancholy self-examination about my talents, doubts, and everything else, I'm gonna go attempt to finish this sucker.

平和
Remus

(I tried to sign with my name in Japanese. HAHAHAHAHAHA Nice try, internet stalkers that probably don't actually exist.)

Holding On for Dear Life

It was almost eleven, and she was almost late for church. The day was hinting at being beautiful, regardless of the cold wind - the sun was brighter than it had been all week. Campus was peaceful at this time on weekends, especially the last Sunday of the semester. The only sounds were the faint hum of cars on one of two busy streets in town and the rush of the wind. When she came to a tree, however, a new sound greeted her ears - a rustling. Her first thought was of two squirrels scampering up and down a trunk somewhere, but as her eyes followed the sound, she saw that the tree was too young and small for more than one squirrel at any one time. Instead, she found four or five leaves still rather tenaciously attached to the slight branches. They looked as though their time was coming soon, considering how brown they looked and how much noise they made. A few trees later, she heard the sound again - but this time, it really was two small black squirrels running along a great, old tree. She searched this tree for any remaining leaves, but found none. The only leaves to be found were on the ground.

Thinking back on it later, it occurred to her that those few unfallen leaves were representative of the students on campus. The semester was drawing to a close, final exams were imminent, and at this time of year, those students really had a deathgrip on life. In barely a week, they would let go and fly free and life would be grand.

(Never mind that that grand time would only be a few weeks.)

I'm blogging about something other than me? What?

New Hampshire, Connecticut, Vermont, Iowa, and Massachusetts all have legalised gay marriage. So...if the general geographic area originally settled by the Puritans can do that...why can't the rest of us?

Random Insanity

Isn't that pretty much this whole blog...?

For the first time in quite a while, I miss GJ. Stupid server failure.

I've got a giant history project due Monday. (You may remember it - I was ranting about it a while back...) I've pretty much got it outlined...actually doing it is so far proving to be another story. The PowerPoint's been open for a few hours now, and I've done a slide and a half. Progress! Only not really! Yeah!

It's the last leg of my teenage years this week...I haven't decided yet if that's good or bad.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALMOST THANKSGIVING. Where the fuck did this last year go? I distinctly remember posting last Thanksgiving, how can it have been a year?? According to all the adults I've ever talked to, the years don't slow down either...le sigh. Maybe rather than holding time in an unsuccessful death grip, I should just embrace it and go with the flow...

That's enough for now. I'm starting to feel guilty abandoning my project.

平和

Remus

Variation on a Theme

Why does the basket case in me stick around like no other?

Aw jeez.

Apparently I'm not where I thought I was...

Come Together

Why are the Beatles so timeless and so absolutely amazing?

I Wish It Was Sunny With a High of 75...Bloody Midwest.

We were talking together

I said, what's up with this weather

Don't know whether or not

How sad I just got

Was of my own volition

Or if I'm just missin' the sun

And tomorrow I know

Will be rainy at best

And the forecast I know

Is that I'll be depressed

But I'll wait outside

Hopin' that I catch sight of the sun

Because on and off

The clouds have fought

For control over the sky

And lately the weather

Has been so bipolar and

Consequently so have I

But now I'm sunny with a high of 75

Since you took my heavy heart and made it light

And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life

When you're happy to be alive

And the temperature is freezing

And then after dark

There's a cold front sweeping

In over my heart

And we might break up

If I don't catch sight of the sun

Because on and off

The clouds have fought

For control over the sky

And lately the weather

Has been so bipolar and

Consequently so have I

But now I'm sunny with a high of 75

Since you took my heavy heart and made it light

And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life

When you're happy to be alive

Relient K

'High of 75'

Mmhmm

To state the obvious, I'm feeling better about life again. I guess, when I go down, I go down hard.

平和

Remus

I'm Having an Angry At God Moment

Ever feel like God's cheated you? You don't think about it, maybe once or twice a year, but never enough to make you stop and really reflect. But then comes that moment...You get an assignment that asks for your family tree and anecdotes from your family. People around you discuss the fathers in Disney movies and compare them to theirs.

For x-number of weeks, the conversations never stop. The assignments don't go away. The assault continues.

Eventually, defences will break. They *will*. It's part of human nature and psychology.

Well, kids. My defences have fallen.

It's not the first time, but that doesn't make it any easier. For one of my history classes this semester, we have to reconstruct our family trees and place the women in our families in their historical context. I imagine this would be a lot easier and considerably more enjoyable if I had any relatives beyond my mom's generation alive. I can't simply call them up and ask what they thought of the times they'd lived through. I know dates; they would be fascinating conversations. I have to use what my mom and her sisters remember, and what census documents can tell me. I'm a history major. I can't help but feel cheated of a source. The furthest into history I can reach with my own two hands is the late fifties.

Disney fathers have been discussed more times than I really think necessary for the last two and a half months. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but can we please stop discussing them for a while? It's the same conversation every time, it doesn't need to be rehashed. I've had very negative thoughts about this before. I've been sad, I've been upset, I've been non-committal, I've been so furious I wanted to punch something. The only positive thing I feel has come from this aspect of my life is how close I am with my mom. I would trade that for nothing. But I still wonder why I couldn't have had both.

As frustrating as these things are, it takes a certain combination of mood, hormones, time of day and recent events to make me turn my anger to God. Considering how quick to general frustration and anger I am, this is something of a miracle. I may shake my fist at God, but it's in good humour - God creates all good things, I consider my sense of humour good, therefore, if A then B. I don't mean it. When I'm in this kind of mood, though...I blame God. I get mad at God. That's not true. I get royally pissed at God. It's all His fault. He made my life this way for whatever the hell His purpose could be. He could have changed it.

Now I find this rant turning into territory somewhat covered by the sermon in church today. The pastor preached on Lazarus Rising and the attitudes and feelings of the involved parties (it tied into All Saints Day, but that's not prudent to this rant). I find myself having similar thoughts - 'If you'd been here, my brother would not have died'...I can't help but ask, why me. I realise I'm throwing this out of proportion, but in my circumstances, I've got more than enough on my plate.

I just...guh.

Now I'm tired, and I still have homework to do. I'll probably feel better in the morning. I'm sure God'll forgive me one bad night.

平和
Remus